#1
The Bullet In The Gun
_______________________________________

I wanna be the bullet in the cartridge
Waiting with potency
Brimming from the edge with everything
You find hard to believe.

I wanna be that tramp sitting on the sidewalk
Plotting with anticipation
Staring at all the passer-bys in sharp glances
Like there's a bullet in his gun.

All the time we lack gratitude
Silenced in our servitude
Made to feel guilty for the thought of this
A negative image of the rich man's bliss.

No wonder there's a hype in craziness
And a ****ed up routine
Helping tidy up everyone's endless mess
Is not so easy to clean.

All the time we lack gratitude
Silenced in our servitude
Made to feel guilty for the thought of this
A negative image of the rich man's bliss.

I wanna be the bullet in the cartridge
Waiting with potency
Brimming from the edge with everything
You find hard to believe.

Better Elsewhere

_______________________________________________

Walking out from underneath the cold street lamps
Thoughts born from a curious moonlit sky
This town I call home is forever irrelevant
When the voice in my head only directs me to you
I've never felt so careless but aware
I was always protected from the world but now I'm alone.

There is no comfort to provide
For the damaged pride
I've had the answers
I've heard all the lies
So drop me another alibi.

I followed the brickwork, I followed my head
The shadow that spoke was my only friend
And I've never felt so ****ing tired and unprepared
For this fetid dilemma between ignorance or regret.

There's no one left to courtesy
Not a heart or a mind to acknowledge
Someone's already done it better
Unless it's possible to **** up more than this.
Last edited by Adam_Harrison9 at Jul 3, 2008,
#2
Hmm, Regarding 'Bullet in the Gun': I kind of wish you had kept up the pattern of "I wanna be the ____", you drew a lot of cool parallelisms in the first two sections. Not that I disliked what followed, but the path you were on before was cool, and similar to a lot of what I write.

Regarding 'Better Elsewhere': I liked the first section, it came across as pretty promising, but the second section was a little bit uninteresting to me. Kind of the same pattern the rest of the way through, the third section was good again, then I didn't like the fourth as much. I think the language you used in the first and third sections was just more intense and creative than the other two parts.

Crit for crit if you want, pick one from my sig. Thanks a lot.