#1
.


Synthetic sunlight
suspended from a string

theory

if one goes out
will the universe cease to exist?


.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 6, 2008,
#2
This is so short and catchy, its wonderful. Alliteration in the first stanza was great, and the play on words when you threw out theory made me giddy.

I'm guessing the synthetic sunlight is a lightbulb, right? If so, you ask quite a good question in the second half of the piece. Leaves ya thinkin'...
#3
I just can't crit this. It's impossible. I mean, it's creative and smart and stuff, but, it's so freaking short...

sorry for tthe lack of help... but I'd say it's worth expanding on if you wanted...
#4
To be perfectly honest, I didn't enjoy this. I normally enjoy short but Deep and witty poems. But this just feels like you had one single idea and just built stuff around it. Everything but the question just screams un-needed filler to me. Like you just wanted to use "will the universe cease to exist?" in a piece and built the other stuff up. It just felt hollow... and in a piece this short it is magnified about 20-fold. Sorry mate.

I know this is a nothing comment, but just a bump on Melodramatic (in sig) would be appreciated.
#5
Meh, I'm not a fan of short poems such as this. It actually felt more like a philosophical question than a poem. Just my 2 cents :/
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
To be perfectly honest, I didn't enjoy this. I normally enjoy short but Deep and witty poems. But this just feels like you had one single idea and just built stuff around it. Everything but the question just screams un-needed filler to me. Like you just wanted to use "will the universe cease to exist?" in a piece and built the other stuff up. It just felt hollow... and in a piece this short it is magnified about 20-fold. Sorry mate.

I know this is a nothing comment, but just a bump on Melodramatic (in sig) would be appreciated.


Bumped.

I'd be interested to explore why it came across that way. That was the last line I thought of, and the last I wrote down. No need for sorries, compliments don't make you a better writer.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
I hovered over this and read the alliteration, it really caught my eye. I loved it. The whole thing is kind of short, but it's still quite good. I just really like the alliteration in the first two lines. It really raises a lot of questions, and tonight I'm trolling for inspiration; this has given it to me. So not only is it great, I must thank you as well.
#8
cute, but i wouldn't say i enjoyed this immensely.
tbh, it too a moment before i realized what you were on about.
usually when that happens, i laugh my ass off.
this time, just a chuckle.

i'm sure you've agonized over
whether to leave blank lines or just line line breaks
before and after theory.

likewise whether to have the universe
cease to exist
or
go dark

i'm not certain you made the best choice in either case
or whether it really matters.

if one goes out
is the pivotal line.
it's necessarily vague.
it would be nice for it to have more meaning regarding string theory
but i don't see a way to do that.
it just is what it is.

thanks for putting up such a simple piece.
the crit was easy and now you owe me, bitch.
*starts writing 5000 word essay*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
I knew no good could come from this...

Go ahead and write your 5000 word essay. I'll give it a full crit, but it will all be... compliments! mwahahahah

And almost needless to say, you just mentioned my two major uncertainties.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
The break with "theory" worked wondeful in my opinion; the enjambment created a double-meaning to the word; your (imo cool) image of the suns on a string (thought synthetic imo was awful), and hints of something larger with "string theory" (don't know if this was on purpose or not) which is, to some extent, the theory of everything and this to me made th elast line hold far more impact.

Though, again I thought that last line was clumsily worded. Ugly, even. Paint the final picture better. "cease to exist" is to common an ugly phrase.

Interesting little read.

Don't worry about anything back. Do a SYK and pick a random.