#1
this is just a bit of a poem i just wrote, for my ex girlfriend (actually more for myself, I suppose), and a little feedback would be nice. I will try to give c4c,but I am probably not that good at it.
p.s. I am posting this on my phone, so there may be a few glaring typos annd missing apostrophes.
Why

Grasping at pieces
Of my broken heart
A lonely questionmark,
Why does it have to be this way

All i got was
A fleeting glimpse
Of what life could have been
Why does it have to be this way

I hope youre happy,
Hope you have no regrets.
Because if thats the case,
I guess it has to be this way
My Build! The Razorbeast Could really use some help.

I am always right. and if I am always right, my first statement about always being right, by simple logic, must be true, thus proving that I am always right. dependency loops rule.
#2
Really like this piece. I can't flaunt this in anyway apart from the fact that it's a bit short. I was wanting more. Would make for a good song I think. ( i canhear some major power chords )
#3
Well, I was instantly impressed by your structure. Your rhyme scheme was ABBC, with the C being an off-time refrain. The refrain was long enough to make it visually obvious that it was to be treated like a refrain - seperate. And your flow was excellent, with ONE exception: the second line in the last stanza, I felt that "Hope you have" started the line off shakily. No matter, it was an excellent piece.
#4
I agree with ninja, I liked the unintended ABBC rhyme scheme in the first stanza, it caught my attention quite well.
#5
holy ****... Not the response i was expecting.

I was <i>this</i> close to falling asleep when i wrote and posted that, and i disagree with you. However, if you say it's not that bad, who am i to tell you it is? :P

I don't like the last stanza either, but i thought it was too short without it, and i just wanted to finish it so i could get to sleep. So here i am, trying to make up some kind of singable tune for this, and of course trying to get at least a few more stanzas, so i can just erase that last one.

And if anyone of you has anything i can at least comment on, that would be cool.
My Build! The Razorbeast Could really use some help.

I am always right. and if I am always right, my first statement about always being right, by simple logic, must be true, thus proving that I am always right. dependency loops rule.