#1
Okay I don't know where this idea came from but an accidental rhyme lead to me writing this, it just flowed I'm sure it's not perfect but it just came over me and here it is...

A mystic devotion, adrift on this ocean
thoughts that never sleep and what i've sown I'll reap
bury me in a grave I'll march to be death's slave
angst and desire fueling a fire

Chorus
emotion, a brush stroke creating fine art
a splash of blue
a touch of gray
mix with black
Missing you
I fade away
Can't turn back

Off a cliff it's fallen, completely sullen
thoughts of an end, wounds that won't mend
eulogy done, buried a son
pathetic death it's kiss the last breath

chorus

father knows what path he chose
mother feels her heart seals
late at night through fire's light
they see him all goes dim

chorus


not my best but I edited a few things though it still needs work and retouching...
My Music:
Solo project: myspace.com/dermy3blkaht
Full band (iRockit): myspace.com/nj136
Last edited by eadgtotheend at Jul 4, 2008,
#2
Quote by eadgtotheend
Okay I don't know where this idea came from but an accidental rhyme lead to me writing this, it just flowed I'm sure it's not perfect but it just came over me and here it is...

A mystic devotion, adrift on this ocean
thoughts that never sleep, what i've sown I'll reap
buried this grave march to be death's slave
angst and desire fueling a fire
I was at first impressed by how tight your regiment of internal rhymes were, until I recognized that the first and second halves are rarely related to each other, particularly in line two.

emotion a brush stroke creating fine art
a splash of blue
a touch of gray
mix with black
Missing you
life astray
heart attack
The last two lines are weak, they are individual phrases that toss out generic words without attatching themselves to the normal thought trains that make up a piece. I thought that the artistic/painting idea could have been done better, in a different song, a different mood. But this song isn't subtle enough to handle it. I did like the mention of "missing you" in there. It was like "I'm painting a picture of you. Gee, I miss you a lot.". I didn't like the first line. Too long, weak flow.

Off a cliff it's fallen, completely sullen
thoughts of an end, wounds that won't mend
eulogy done, buried a son
pathetic death death's kiss the last breath
Really weak. The lines feel disconnected from each other, and the double death bit was horrible on your flow. I thought "sullen" was a weak rhyme, as well.

chorus

father knows what path he chose
mother feels her heart seals
late one night through fire's light
they see him before all goes dim
"Him" appears too early in the sentence to be a proper internal rhyme.

chorus


to clear things up it's about a teenager who loses his girl (first verse) feels his life is awry (mentioned in chorus "life astray") and in the second verse line 1 he's describing his life and he kills himself and verse three the parents both are distraught and one night the father kills himself and the mother by lighting the house on fire... I've never left an explanation of the song before, should i or should I not have?


Internal rhymes are a clever way to bolster your song structure, but you can't just toss them around. They have to fit with the meaning and natural progression of the song.
#3
thank you like i said I was kinda throwing it together, so i'll edit it and mess around with the phrasing....
My Music:
Solo project: myspace.com/dermy3blkaht
Full band (iRockit): myspace.com/nj136
#4
Quote by eadgtotheend
Okay I don't know where this idea came from but an accidental rhyme lead to me writing this, it just flowed I'm sure it's not perfect but it just came over me and here it is...

A mystic devotion, adrift on this ocean
thoughts that never sleep, what i've sown I'll reap
buried this grave march to be death's slave
angst and desire fueling a fire

Nice internal rhyme, but they feel a little random and doesn't give the verse much meaning

emotion a brush stroke creating fine art
a splash of blue
a touch of gray
mix with black
Missing you
life astray
heart attack

This verse is alright. Nice rhyming effect to the flow

Off a cliff it's fallen, completely sullen
thoughts of an end, wounds that won't mend
eulogy done, buried a son
pathetic death death's kiss the last breath

Again, kept with the internal rhyming, but it feels randomly tossed in there. This verse is actually more understandable than the first

chorus

father knows what path he chose
mother feels her heart seals
late one night through fire's light
they see him before all goes dim

chorus

The internal rhyming got annoying in Chorus, and the flow doesn't quite feel right with the rest of the song....It feels like something is missing from the first line....You don't need the 'S' on "Seal" on the second line, again it too feel like something is missing.

to clear things up it's about a teenager who loses his girl (first verse) feels his life is awry (mentioned in chorus "life astray") and in the second verse line 1 he's describing his life and he kills himself and verse three the parents both are distraught and one night the father kills himself and the mother by lighting the house on fire... I've never left an explanation of the song before, should i or should I not have?



In all honesty, this wasn't all that great....I'll give you originality, but a couple of the verses felt random....Plus you don't have to do an internal rhyme to every line in the song. Another thing is that you shouldn't have to clarify what the song is about, people should be able to understand it as it read or heard.....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!