#1
This is one of my first real tries at making a song, it's partially unfinished, and it's probably pretty crappy, so constructive criticism and such would be appreciated. I'm not tryin' to amaze anyone, just get better and learn from my mistakes. I draw a good bit of inspiration from At the Drive In's "Cosmonaut" as well.

So yeah, just a random song, if you could call it that.


Products of the dark war,
Pawns Flung to a void,
A silent world not meant for us,
An ocean of death.

Can you hear them?
Drifting out to die,
Can you feel them?
The horror in their eyes.


Distorted static, screaming,
As her heat shields burn away,
Dear god, please, they're failing!
Don't let me dissapear!

Can you see them?
Their skins are charred and blacked,
Will you remember them?
Frequencies are hacked,


-chorus-
Phantoms,
Silent, unspeaking dead,
Come in in control, I beg you,
I think it's getting hot,
Hear me out, please,
Dear god, I'm burning!
#2
intresting. seems kinda sci-fi inspired ("frequencies hacked", "heat shields"); do i spot a fellow coheed and cambria fan, mayhap?

it could have been a bit more focused. like, maybe have something in the chorus that would clarify the whole idea and bring all the images together... that's all i can think of.

on a whole, i liked it. wierd imagery always gets a big plus in my book.


EDIT: wudja mind doin mine?:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=899532
To know death, you have to f*ck life in the gallbladder...
Last edited by frogPeace at Jul 4, 2008,