#1
So i haven't posted here in god knows how long. I've kind of been addicted to the pit.
So here's a piece i wrote this morning, hope you like it. Any criticism helps, and if you help me, ill do my best to help you..

This is your name in lights,
a display of your new-found fame.
The neon seems to scream,
Cliche.

There's a headhunt for this feeling,
A loathing, a love, a lust.
To be consumed and remade.
Become an idol.

To tear knives from your back,
And use them to cut down,
everyone in your way,
Thats what determination is.

What goes around comes around,
and this time there will be no mercy.
Your fame wont help you,
come judgment time.

Even now when I tell you,
The best things in life are free,
You laugh and take it light.
But baby, thats where my heart is.

Your on your own now,
I've been cut down enough.
You won't find support in these scars.
Ill wish you well,
And leave you to ponder this,

They say the sky's the limit,
But your shooting for the stars,
You weren't one to be held back,
Not even by the one ones you loved.
#2
cool. seems veeery bitter. i liked

"To tear knives from your back,
And use them to cut down,
everyone in your way,
Thats what determination is."

i thought that was a cool way to put it.

"what goes around comes around" and "the best things in life are free" seem a bit too overused to me, though. they just kinda stuck out like sore thumbs.

other than that, i liked it. kinda like a big "**** you" to the whole celebrity ***** culture thing.

do mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=899532
To know death, you have to f*ck life in the gallbladder...
#4
I liked the whole bitter aspect :P
I often have trouble reading rhythms of song lyrics without hearing them, so that first verse, the "cliche" bit, didn't flow too well, but it must just be that it didn't click in my head. Same for the second verse. After that, it flowed fine.
I thought those cliché lines linked back to "cliché", if you know what I mean, dunno if that was the intention.
#5
I love the title.

This is your name in lights,
a display of your new-found fame.
The neon seems to scream,
Cliche.

Last line is really powerful, great opening, and introduces the general gist of the song.

There's a headhunt for this feeling,
A loathing, a love, a lust.
To be consumed and remade.
Become an idol.

Really love the first two lines. The second two are still good. Gives the Idea of a want.


To tear knives from your back,
And use them to cut down,
everyone in your way,
Thats what determination is.

My favourite stanza, gives the idea of struggle, and overcoming obsticles (Whatever the cost.)

What goes around comes around,
and this time there will be no mercy.
Your fame wont help you,
come judgment time.

Dont really like the first line, an overused cliche, but I cant think of another way to word it.

Even now when I tell you,
The best things in life are free,
You laugh and take it light.
But baby, thats where my heart is.

This is more personal, and I like that, its sad, like trying and failing to convince someone not to leave.

Your on your own now,
I've been cut down enough.
You won't find support in these scars.
Ill wish you well,
And leave you to ponder this,

Continues the idea of the previous stanza, and I like this one more than the previous. Good work

They say the sky's the limit,
But your shooting for the stars,
You weren't one to be held back,
Not even by the one ones you loved.

Great ending to a great song, I like it how you ended by saying "Loved" other than "Love", as it gives the impression, that with fame you lose the ones you love.

10/10!

Let me know when you record this!
Last edited by 7SlapsToTheFace at Jul 5, 2008,
#6
I really like this one, but cut down "what goes around comes around". Since you're accusing someone of being cliche, don't fall on the same error The sixth stanza sounded weird to me, the rest is great, overall, and it has a good flow, so, I have nothing to say but..

Good job man !
#8
Quote by rage__against10

This is your name in lights,
a display of your new-found fame.
The neon seems to scream,
Cliche.
Good opener.

There's a headhunt for this feeling,
A loathing, a love, a lust.
To be consumed and remade.
Become an idol.
This part doesn't really make sense to be. I think it's the way you used your periods.

To tear knives from your back,
And use them to cut down,
everyone in your way,
Thats what determination is.
The wording on this confused me. Maybe if you took out "to" in the beginning it'd be more comprehensible.

What goes around comes around,
and this time there will be no mercy.
Your fame wont help you,
come judgment time.
This part is a bit cliche.

Even now when I tell you,
The best things in life are free,
You laugh and take it light.
But baby, thats where my heart is.
I liked this part but the last line doesn't really make sense to me.

Your on your own now,
I've been cut down enough.
You won't find support in these scars.
Ill wish you well,
And leave you to ponder this,
Take out the last line. Otherwise it's good.

They say the sky's the limit,
But your shooting for the stars,
You weren't one to be held back,
Not even by the one ones you loved.
Good ending.


Not a bad piece. Bitter, in a good way.
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for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.