#1
Okay, this is my first attempt at writing anything, so please bear with me.
I suppose its about betrayal, by a trusted someone, if you likeit, or can suggest improvements then please respond.
HERE GOES!
the bits in brackets are screamed.


You told me every single time,
(You told me every single time.)
You told me every time but not this time.
(Not this time)

If you think back, remember when
Our hopes and dreams they all began
Then You'll remember the time i said good-bye!

The you'll remember

That im drowning in a river of your lies
(In a river of your lies)
Its you that i've come to despise,
(Its you that i've come to dispise)
Your Hatrid, Its killing me,
This part of me, crying to be free.
Dont touch me,
You disgust me.
(Get the **** away!)

Think back, to the nature of the crime,
(Nature of the crime)
The whole ****ing think was your design,
(Your ****ing design)

Think back, with regret If you can find,
The courage and remember why.
Why did you, why did I?
Say goodbye?

Remember,

That im drowning in a river of your lies
(In a river of your lies)
Its you that i've come to despise,
(Its you that i've come to dispise)
Your Hatrid, Its killing me,
This part of me, crying to be free.
Dont touch me,
You disgust me.
(Get the **** away!)

(Solo)

That im drowning in a river of your lies
(In a river of your lies)
Its you that i've come to despise,
(Its you that i've come to dispise)
Your Hatrid, Its killing me,
This part of me, crying to be free.
Dont touch me,
You disgust me.
(Get the **** away!)

Goodbye, for hopefuly the last time,
Goodbye, this is the last time,
Goodbye, Honestly im begging you,
Goodbye, hope I that im forgeting you!
#2
I really like it man, I think it could use a little more verse though. It seems like it has the right amount of chorus in it. Im also a big fan of the screaming. Maybe throw some more of that in, like have a whole verse or something scream. Im just suggesting stuff i think would sound good too, i think its cool the way it is. Not bad for your first peice at all.

If you wouldnt mind, check out my beginning to a song. http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=899545
Last edited by b0randon at Jul 4, 2008,
#4
This piece really seemed to work from my perspective, I think with music all the **** might be justified. It might depend on how the solo goes. Good job.