#1
It's hard to ignore -
I'm a sensitive boy!
Capes made from towels and safety pins.
Whizzing through the backyard.
Standing in the driveway, looking at nothing, going
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
Mimicking the air conditioning unit outside my house,
My dad walks up to me and says,
"You don't know it, but this is the most fun you're ever going to have."
At 21, all I really want is to fuck you one last time.
One for the road to introspective Hell.

Grow trees.
Chop them down.
Salt the Earth so nothing will ever grow in that spot ever again.
Peach pear peach pear peach pear peach pear.
Poor advice.
#2
This was really good.

You did a nice job forcing a beat down feeling while it went on.

I liked it, at least
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
thats awesome hahah
Quote by hightension01


Tell her
"I could be playing this *inserts Job For a Cowboys Doom Cd*
but i'd rather play this *inserts *David Crowder followed by Brewster*"

haha yeah that should work


Quote by Aqua Dementia
richrawr FTW!
#5
It's hard to ignore -
I'm a sensitive boy!
Capes made from towels and safety pins.
Whizzing through the backyard.
Standing in the driveway, looking at nothing, going
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
Mimicking the air conditioning unit outside my house,
My dad walks up to me and says,
"You don't know it, but this is the most fun you're ever going to have."
At 21, all I really want is to fuck you one last time.
One for the road to introspective Hell.

Grow trees.
Chop them down.
Salt the Earth
so nothing will ever grow in that spot ever again.
Peach pear peach pear peach pear peach pear.
Too abrupt of a change for my taste. Didn't like it. And didn't really like the last line of that stanza.

I liked the beat that that part has to it. But then the 3rd line goes on too long, and what I liked about it is lost.

Everything else was pretty good, but the piece didn't speak to me that much. It seemed a bit bland in terms of what you were trying to say. Not because of the subject matter, but there wasn't enough information or depth to make it unique. Most of your pieces create a tapestry in which there is a ton to take into account. A mural with lots of different aspects and angles. This created a nice little childhood picture, but there wasn't much to read into, or so I felt.

The second stanza did save it, by wrapping it all up concisely and creatively, but it also didn't say much more than the beginning. I believe I am beginning to ramble.

Ciao.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Jul 5, 2008,
#6
I loved the first part.
Then the dad spoke to the kid and then the kid spoke about ****ing him one more time and I got very confused. Just might do with a tad more clarity in the change there!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
I thought the whole first verse was cool, kinda random, but in a good way, except for that weird last section about the dad.
And the second verse was interesting, but it seemed out of place, and the peach pear thing was... unnecessary?
#8
I thought about what it would be like if the last two lines of the 1st stanza belonged to the 2nd, but I think you got it right. Great work.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!