#1
Perfect Catch

VERSE 1

This is a song bout a girl I know
G C9 E D
Her eyelashes heavy with melting snow
G C9 E D
Over cute green eyes
G C9
Looking into mine
E D
Damn it, she’s so beautiful
G C9 E
Damn it, she’s so beautiful
G C9 E

CHORUS

I love you girl
G D
You rock my world
A7SUS4 C9
And I wanna spend the rest of my life
G D A7SUS4
With you
C9

X2

Repeat verse chords twice

VERSE 2

When she comes my way
I feel okay
But when she goes away
It just ain’t my day
Every minute I’m not with her
Is a torture oh so cruel
She’s the reason
I come to school

CHORUS

VERSE 3

You’re prozac for my pain
You’re my hearts cocaine
Time spent with you
Is pure paradise
Time spent with you
Is pure paradise


CHORUS

Repeat chorus chords twice

And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you....


NOTE: Chord progressions same through out song

A7SUS4 = x02033


I'm pretty happy with this song, it's a bit too poppy for me, but oh well - I've performed it live twice and it was pretty successful. If anyone wants to know the rhythm of the chords and stuff, I could try and record it.
Cheers
#3
Really don't know if this counts as bumping, I know it hasn't been three posts, but I just wanted to answer what he said.

I did my best to criticise Echo, but I liked it

It is written on an electric, cos that's all I got, but it doesn't really stretch the limits, does it? I tried to crowbar some lead fills in, but it didn't work.
And yeah, nothing profound or complicated here.
Last edited by gabcd86 at Jul 6, 2008,
#4
This is a simplistic, honest song for a girl, and that's what it boils down to. No need for metaphors and complicated schemes, just simple and thats why i like it.
I really like how you put the chords in there for us to play along :P, give it a closer to home feel.
Not much to say criticism wise, i don;t understand why there is an "over" infront of cute eyes? do you mean to say Overly cute? i unno.
flow works well, message is great, great song to sing along to, and i hope the girl loved it.

mind takin a peak at mine? its called fame, fotune and neon lights. its a little farther down the first page. THANKS SO MUCH. haven't gotten any feedback yet. making me crazy
#5
Reminds me a little bit of something the white stripes might write. (IDK if you like them, but this is 100% a compliment) Kinda sounds folksy to me, which I don't mind at all. The chorus was the only part that I disliked, I kind of had to drag myself through it; pretty much solid cliches strung together, not really doing anything unique. Though it is still catchy and would work wonders singing it to a girl
#6
Quote by Skaliveson
Reminds me a little bit of something the white stripes might write. (IDK if you like them, but this is 100% a compliment) Kinda sounds folksy to me, which I don't mind at all. The chorus was the only part that I disliked, I kind of had to drag myself through it; pretty much solid cliches strung together, not really doing anything unique. Though it is still catchy and would work wonders singing it to a girl



Hmm, not sure bout the Stripes - I've got two of their albums, and I prefer their softer stuff, not sure why, because I'm a Guns fan, but I don't like his electric guitar sound :S
Anyway yeah, the chorus is pretty lame I suppose, I realised that I was writing it, I just couldn't be bothered at the time - I'll think about de-clicheing it:P
Last edited by gabcd86 at Jul 6, 2008,
#7
Quote by gabcd86
Perfect Catch

VERSE 1

This is a song bout a girl I know
G C9 E D
Her eyelashes heavy with melting snow
G C9 E D
Over cute green eyes
G C9
Looking into mine
E D
Damn it, she’s so beautiful
G C9 E
Damn it, she’s so beautiful
G C9 E

It flows, and i like the chord progression, however it seems to Cliche.


CHORUS

I love you girl
G D
You rock my world
A7SUS4 C9
And I wanna spend the rest of my life
G D A7SUS4
With you
C9

This Chorus sounds also very cliche, "You rock my world?" come on why can't you say. you spin my life upside down? and instead of "And i wanna spend the rest of my life, with you" you could put in, "I want you to be by my side, throughout time." Which i personaly think sounds way better! no offence or anything, but yours sounds abit Cliche.


X2

Repeat verse chords twice

VERSE 2

When she comes my way
I feel okay
But when she goes away
It just ain’t my day
Every minute I’m not with her
Is a torture oh so cruel
She’s the reason
I come to school

This is great! i love this part, mainly the best part of the song, don't change it it flows and sounds great! but wheres the chord progression for this part?

CHORUS

VERSE 3

You’re prozac for my pain
You’re my hearts cocaine
Time spent with you
Is pure paradise
Time spent with you
Is pure paradise
i gaze at your smile
and it feels like pure paridise
in my heart


Sorry i just felt like that, i think this last little verse thingo would sounds better extended, i don't care if you don't like it, it's just so insperation and infomation! also it flows good job!


CHORUS

Repeat chorus chords twice

And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you....

I am not a fan of this line so as i said when i gave a suggestion you should change it to...

I want you to be by my side through out time

NOTE: Chord progressions same through out song

A7SUS4 = x02033


I'm pretty happy with this song, it's a bit too poppy for me, but oh well - I've performed it live twice and it was pretty successful. If anyone wants to know the rhythm of the chords and stuff, I could try and record it.
Cheers



Overall i thought i was great, however it was really Cliche! PLEASE cut down on the cliche lines, it does flow i can tell you that, but also when you are finished with it sing and play through it and say, "Does this sounds Chezzy?!?!" Not to sound like a crazy man about this song and no offence, but it does lack abit of creativity. Hope this infomation was useful like myself :P anyways keep on wirtting

Kom23
#8
Hmmm, I definitely see what you mean, and I will try and work in some of those criticisms, cos the cliché-ness has been the main problem so far.
As for the chords, they repeat - I didn't really write them, my friend suggested a chord progression for it, but I did perfect the rhythm :P
#10
Quote by gabcd86
Perfect Catch

VERSE 1

This is a song bout a girl I know
G C9 E D
Her eyelashes heavy with melting snow
G C9 E D
Over cute green eyes don't like the word over in this line, but i don't know what else you'd use. maybe, her eyelashes, heavy with melting snow, above green (another adjective) eyes.
G C9
Looking into mine
E D
Damn it, she’s so beautiful
G C9 E
Damn it, she’s so beautiful
G C9 E

CHORUS

I love you girl
G D
You rock my world don't like these two lines. i love that girl sounds better. and i just hate the term "rock my world". purely personal opinion, though.
A7SUS4 C9
And I wanna spend the rest of my life
G D A7SUS4
With you
C9

X2

Repeat verse chords twice

VERSE 2

When she comes my way
I feel okay
But when she goes away get rid of but
It just ain’t my day
Every minute I’m not with her flow got funked up here.
Is a torture oh so cruel
She’s the reason
I come to school cheesy.

CHORUS

VERSE 3

You’re prozac for my pain
You’re my hearts cocaine
Time spent with you
Is pure paradise
Time spent with you
Is pure paradise
don't like the first line, but the second one is pretty catchy.


CHORUS

Repeat chorus chords twice

And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you....


NOTE: Chord progressions same through out song

A7SUS4 = x02033


I'm pretty happy with this song, it's a bit too poppy for me, but oh well - I've performed it live twice and it was pretty successful. If anyone wants to know the rhythm of the chords and stuff, I could try and record it.
Cheers

go ahead!
sounds like a cute love song.
#11
Hey i am changing some words and putting some new chords in just to make it sound more interesting, if you don't mind me doing it... Anyways this is just a sample of what i just did in 10 minutes hehe, can't wait till i finish the whole song then i'll post it on this thread...


Perfect Catch

VERSE 1

C9 G Am C Am
There is a girl I know I'll tell you
C9 G Am A
her eyes glisten like falling snow
C9 G
over cute green eyes
Am C
look just past mine
C9 G
She is so beautiful
C9 A
Yeah she is so beautiful


Hope you like it

Kom23
Last edited by Kom23 at Jul 7, 2008,
#12
It's very simplistic, reminds me very much of when I first started writing, I'm guessing you wrote the music first? Then put lyrics to it afterwards? It would be nice to know how long you've been writing lyrics for, just to get a rough idea of what your style is compared to your experiance, I do have to go with the flow here and say that it is cliched, but that is what comes with a simplistic song, alot of the time, metaphores are hard to be cliche, but when you write lyrics as you would say something, can sometimes come out very cliched. However that is something that will become easier to shake off the more you write, hope I helped =)

Guys, anyone who want's to give a nice crit on my stuff, it's called "An Aftermath Of A Fairytale" I really would like someone who knows their poetry to crit it, thank you kindly =)
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#13
hmm...started like a simple nice love song until the "damn it" part which pretty disturbed me...
well sorry but in my opinion it sounds like those "punk-expression" songs
*not that I hate punk....but it has it's expressions which I don't like sometimes in some bands*
the "damn it" or the "you rock my world" part put it away from the romantic part which just didn't mixed here...
but hey, that's just my opinion...
#14
Meh, not too sure about the re-writing, especially the chords - I don't want to touch them at all, and the lyrics left no trace of the original song.

And yeah, this was one of the first songs I wrote that I actually liked - there are one or two in my books that are older than it, but they're plain poor. This was meant to be pretty simple, and nowadays I am trying to make it a bit more interesting. The eyelashes line was actually a precise memory - it was snowing, and a couple of flakes fell on her lashes, it was just to differentiate it.
Last edited by gabcd86 at Jul 7, 2008,