#1
Go for it.

Independance Day

The rockets' red glare
wash the stars out of the air
in our brilliance.

Our testament to God,
in whom we trust.

Thank you, father.
You who provide
our strength,
courage,
bravery,
freedom.

In gratitude,
we forget your name
and remove your title
from our allegiance.
Separate your church
from our state.
Erase the stars from the sky
and replace them
in our image.

Oh say, does that
star-spangled banner
yet wave, over
the land of the free and
the home of the brave?

It would seem so.

Our freedom was born of
our father's demise.

Our testament to God,
in whom we trust.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Jul 6, 2008,
#2
Quote by my name is Pete
Go for it.

Independance Day

The rockets' red glare
wash the stars out of the air
in our brilliance.

Our testament to God,
in whom we trust.


Thank you, father.
You who provide
our strength,
courage,
bravery,
freedom.

Not a bad beginning, nothing spectacular yet. I'm not sure how I feel about the God part.

In gratitude,
we forget your name
and remove your title
from our allegiance.
Separate your church
from our state.
Erase the stars from the sky
and surplant them
in our image.

Oooh, I really like this part, it's right up my alley. A bit of protest and rebellion in this part. "Erase the stars from the sky and surplant them in our image" kind of confuses me, though. Up until that I thought it was brilliant.

Oh say, does that
star-spangled banner
yet wave, over
the land of the free and
the home of the brave?

It would seem so.

Our freedom was born of
our father's demise.

Our testament to God,
in whom we trust.

Ok, this is where I understand the idea of the song as a whole. I get exactly what you're talking about now. Not so crazy about the "Oh say does that star-spangled banner....." part. Could you think of something a bit more original?

Overall: It's not the best idea for a song, but it's an idea. And out of simple ideas, can come very great things. Is this a song or just a nice little writty? If it was a song, I think it would make a nice folk-ish or country song. This started to interest me at the "In Gratitude......" part. I think you have a nice idea, but it could have a little bit better rythym and flow. Keep writing, and I hope I helped some!


//
#4
i liked this less than anything else i've seen from you.

the tip of the hat to americana expressions read uncomfortably.
"it would seem so" felt like a cop-out.

S4 was definitely the high point
but surplant is not a word.

on the bright side, this is still better than most of mine.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
Taxi: Thanks for your comments.

zC: You're welcome? Haha I've thought about writing something like this for a long time, but inspiration never hit until the other night. Irony.

SYK: For some reason, I see "supplant" as "surplant" in my head. And when it's 2am, you don't edit much. xD I decided to change it to "replace" because it gave a nice little rhyme. Sorry it didn't float your boat.


I want to make a song of it, only to put it in 7/4 time. xD
#6
I wasnt sure if I was going to comment on this or not, but then I decided to because it's very late.

This reeked of angst, and because of that it seemed easy. The stars idea was really cool and anything revolving around that was great both in theory and execution. However, everything else was like you trying to twist words to prove a point that wasnt there (?). It's tired, give me a break . Basically, you didnt give me any reason to believe what you were saying, and when taking on the actions, foundation, and evolution of an entire country you need to have a damn solid argument. And if you dont have the argument then you need to wow me with beauty. Again, the only thing that did that was the stars image (for me at least). Shrug, I'm probably reading it wrong, as the meaning all depends on what you mean by father, but you never really answer that and so I got confused. Essentially I saw a bunch of unsupported, generalized claims in a pretty decent flow and some cool ideas floating around with nothing there to really ground me in what you were saying. I am out in space with no air tank, bring me into the Hubble with your literary butterfly-net.

Hehe, this probably doesnt make any sense. Oh well. Basically, I liked it, but I thought the execution could be both more subtle and better. I would like to see this one reworked with more specifics. Groovy flow though.
#7
I think dylan nailed it.

A more subtle approach could have been more effective. I mean, of course a mimic of the narrators mindset gives a fast impression of the pieces intent, but it seems almost offensively didactic. I felt extremely patronised, after reading.

Certainly the idea is worth pursuing, and this was still far from mundane.
#8
Synth: I think you read this as if I told it with malicious intent, attacking the country as a whole. It's more of a mourning of a certain facet of the government's "personality." I'm not sure if you got the complete sense of it.

As far as specifics go, the fourth stanza said it all. First sentence was referring to the literal Pledge of Allegiance. I think you understand the second.

I didn't include too many details, becasuse I didn't want to make this a history lesson. It was more of an emotion, so I sacrificed a bit of clarity and subtleness so it would come out more raw, if that makes any sense.

Skagitup: I tried being subtle. I couldn't pull it off. xP

Both of yous: Thanks for all your comments, I really think they'll help me in the future.
#9
First and foremost, I find it funny that it says "Mr. Feirenheight" under you name, a referance to Freddie Mercury, and with the obvious christian lryics you present (me making the educated assumtion that you are indeed, a christian) then you beleive "Mr. Fareignheight" or Mr. Mercury to be burning in pain for all eternity.

Secondly, The blatant arrogance that Your suposed god somehow correlates to The United States Of America, let alone freedom itslef, is ridiculous. If you want to thank someone for freedom, thank the founding fathers, who founded this country on secularist democratic philoshopies. (I doubt you can name eight of them without looking it up.) Not a cry baby god who would rather drown billions of people to death instead of simply making himself known (some powerful god, cant even talk.). Anyway, **** you, and the song sucks.
#10
I really like this. It's a good thought. Really deep.
All I wanna do is *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* and a *click* *Ka-ching* and take ya money
#11
To Ringo: I think a private message would've sufficed. This thread is super old.

Since this has probably opened up a question of what I believe, I'll have to post a public rebuttal.

As for your first statement, regarding Freddie, I don't believe in hell or hellfire. For someone who says I have a lot of research to do, you're making some bigoted remarks.

Then there's the second statement. America relates to God in that it's motto is "In God We Trust." I thought it funny that America exercised its freedom to shun God.

That's all.

Other guy: Thanks. ^^

We should close this thread.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Jul 31, 2008,
#12
woot! if i could applaude you with a million pairs of hands i would! the only thing that would make this better is if you rhymed!