#1
First of all, the whole title is "Finding Out Why Girls With Long Black Hair In Front Of Their Faces Scare The Crap Out Of People...", but it was too big for the title thread (I hate it when this happens !).

Now, this is a song with a inconsistent rhythm, so the flow may be hard to catch, but believe me, it's just fine. The lyrics are pretty dumb, but I had a great time writing this one. C4C as always, just leave a link.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The words you said, I’ll never forget,
(although “never” doesn’t include
times of hallucination and booze).

I know I’m rarely really sober,
sometimes I’m not even there
to listen what you want to share,
and it passes over my shoulder;
because you know my Matrix reflexes
are hyperbolical as you can see,
and unexpected like epilepsy.

Like Bauhaus I bring suicide to your ears,
and like eye drops my speech comes as a call for tears.
You knew me all these years; you know there's no antidote,
I’m destined to be a walking 60’s anecdote.

So jump into my car, the old one from my dad
without any windshield able to protect
the death of all the mosquitoes that crash into my face.
Do I have a Colgate smile or am I such a disgrace?
You reddened my cheek with a closed fist slap
(not to call it a punch), because I can’t admit
I took a beating from a chick without any retribution.
I guess I was too weak; (it took me months for this conclusion).

And so I went to the club
to dance to trance, to sniff cocaine
on the VIP room, with a girl called Maine
who had an upper arm bigger that I do;
bigger than my head. A punch would be my death
(and I will be dead soon...)

When I jumped into my car, the old one from my dad,
as I was holding her hand while she was breaking my fingers,
the radio passed Aqua, we became karaoke singers.
I was Barbie; She was Ken,
and a simple passage of hands
between her legs took to a scream!
A shout! She's a he!
She's a man!
A straight punch in my eye was enough to mute the sound.

A still reddened cheek and a recent black eye
was enough to encourage me to call you back,
but you disdained me, coldly, like Hitchcock’s silhouette,
as I dived into the vertigo called depression of life.

And now like Bauhaus you brought suicide to my ears,
and like eye drops your speech came as a call for tears.
I knew you all these years and never knew you at all,
but please, don’t leave me hanging up on this call.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jul 5, 2008,
#2
That's really cool. I love it! Well done man!
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#5
wow, this is a really elaborite and interesting piece,
a joy to read really.
I really like the subtly in it with lines like , it took me months for this conclusion or w.e.
but my only problem is that there are some lines that could use the boot,
Like the "ill be dead soon" i unno that really stuck out to me and made me question that line.
also the the collgate line sounded wierd to me, maybe im reading it wrong but it seemed out of place and unnessicary.
i absolutly loved the turn around in the end, it summed the piece up nicely and made it worth while. This peiece is very intresting and unique, it has a pretty good humour element to it to.
P.S i also liked your Armani suit piece, but didn't have enough to sy to bother to comment.
i know i didn't help much, but if you could give me some pointers or a comment on my pice i'd be forever greatfull.
thanks

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=901244
#6
Haha, it was brilliant. Some flow weirdness, but I just suck at catching rhythms, so I'll leave that to you - it was an awesome bunch of lyrics, all the expressions and stuff were nice and original!
#8
Omg thats insane> I wish I could wright half as good as you do
This works for almost any situation....

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Punch it. Punch it until it goes away.
#10
awsome, i loved it.
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Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

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Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

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Viscara (my band)
#12
I don't feel a huge criticism is neccesary and I don't feel like I have it in me right now. But I will say, I do not share the strict enthusiasm as others do as well confusius does, but I did certainly enjoy it!
One thing I didn't like was how it just kind of rambles and fumbles into the next theme, or image. It never flows.
The best thing I liked about this is how it has a very humourous, light note to it, but really its about a very dark emotion that not everyone suffers from. Its very real because of it.
Well done mate.

Digitally Clean
#14
Cool song. It was written very well, the content just isn't my thing. However the " So jump into my car..." part reminded me of the David Hasselhoff song "Jump Into My Car." My mind is messed up. The word play and references like "Colgate smile" were really interesting and fit well. Overall... nice job.
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Ignorance destroys music.