#1
C4C

Atop every summit stands a man to push us down,
labors of love molested by cynical clowns.
Don't fret for pettiness, for even mountains drown.

You reap what you sow,
you tow what you keep.
Forget what you know;
the slope is too steep.

Our spirits always plummet and are shattered on the ground;
the firmament feels as distant as the desert choir's sound;
we are undeterred, alurred, though our tons may turn to pounds.

Children, don't weep,
slip through your bars;
we'll surmount this heap
and rendezvous with the stars.
Don't weep,
don't sleep,
the night sky is ours.

They make claims to veracity but can't seem to expound;
some say they're moving forward but forget the Earth is round;
don't fret for fools and charlatans, our fellowship is found.

Seep out of your bounds;
gravity cannot hold us down.
Escape the webs the wicked wound;
dress your soul with starlight's gown.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
#2
The long words just don't seem to fit.
You need to make the flow... flow... in some places.
Loved the first verse/stanza.
With the simplicity of the second, it'd be fine for a chorus but I feel is overplayed for anything else.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Thanks. Agree on the second verse, its hard getting it to go somewhere.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
#4
I was going to do a full crit on this, but I decided not to because I think the piece suffers from the same things throughout.

The rhyming feels forced and as a result it seems as if some of the lines are completely unnecessary. Like they're almost meaningless and not really related to the piece, but are just their to complete a rhyme. I think the meaning of the piece in general was lost in the seemingly extensive effort that was put into the rhyming. And I agree with the flow issues.

I don't know, that's what I think anyways. I don't have anything to crit right now so don't worry about it.

Cool.
#5
I agree with the previous comments. The rhymes seem predictable and forced, the idea isn't really too clear. The first verse was OK, but I think it just started going down hill from there. There may be some potential, so keep writing!