#1
with words. (up sideways standing)
with no sense. (of sideways standing)
proudly dashed. (out on the landing)
scribbled swiftly. in the gut.

and, the napkin flavours. (stinging)
stained with, pepper. (up so ringing)
(and the drunken landlord singing)
ashes and. be.y.once butts

with... words (so slanted standing)
(there was no sense) out on that landing
so proudly dashed. (out swiftly standing)
scribbled sideways neath the moon,

and the rain. you soaked my hand in
out (so stinging on the landing)
(moon) so stink.ing. neath the landing
of pistach.i.o nuts.

and (the cards in fountains sinking)
in the whiskey. we were drinking.
(and the whiskey, was outstanding)
there were bars with cigarettes.

and a (mutual understanding)
(of the) napkin. (flavoured landing)
and the rain. (you soaked. my sand in)
on the beach. before the moon.

and the sand. (was sinking standing)
in the moon. (i had my hand in)
(all the whiskey). on the landing.
that we drunk and drunk and. drunk

and you turned to me. (expanding)
with the rain. (i had my hand in)
and with words up (sideways standing)
you said i was pretty. (drunk).

and. so proudly (on the landing)
i'd no sense. (of sideways standing)
with not who (but why) but within.
i was empty. like my glass.

h.s.gallows, aged 8
Last edited by skagitup at Jul 5, 2008,
#2
I saw the age, so I understand the rhymes, but yeah - you repeat standing and landing, a LOT. It might be intentional, I suppose, but when you rhyme standing with standing, it goes a bit badly.
Otherwise, I like the randomness - it's .... random
#4
Quote by skagitup
it is about standing on the landing



There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Quote by skagitup
offer opinions or kindly leave


I'm very sorry for believing that smiley faces quite often mean that somebody likes something.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I'm very sorry for believing that smiley faces quite often mean that somebody likes something.


i thought you were mocking the trivial nature of a poem concerning the vertical stance of a narrator on a landing
#9
the kind of comments i aspire to receive will concern the poem not my attitude, thanks
#10
Quote by skagitup
i thought you were mocking the trivial nature of a poem concerning the vertical stance of a narrator on a landing


I'm afraid my reasoning for posting a cartoon of a yellow person smiling came from having quite the opposite opinion. In fact, I tend to rather enjoy narratives about characters who hold vertical stances when they stand upon landings .

I like things like this.
That is why I wrote a poem about looking at a building and the only responses I got included the word 'nice'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
nice. good.

this was ex.cep.tion.al. i a.dored the per.i.ods as syll.a.ble mar.kers, they made it such a fun read.
i'll be back though in just a lit.tle bit to ed.it my crit in.
i will be crit.ting this.

There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
I was going to be a complete ass and just type in "" but then I didnt, because it's not worth the trouble.

Instead I'll say that this is definitely the best I've read from you and it was a pleasure to read.

And I'll leave it at that.