#1
Hey guys this is my latest piece. I wrote it a few days ago, I know it's not one of my best pieces but I'd like to see what your opinions on it are. Crit for crit as always, leave me a link to the piece you want to be critted.

Thanks

-Toby

Cold Nights in December (C) Toby Cunningham 2nd July 2008

Verse 1:

She’s as pretty as porcelain,
Like a doll sat on a shelf,
Always wants to help everybody,
But she never wants to help herself.

Verse 2:

She stares out her car window,
Sees a motel up ahead,
Won’t find any help there,
“No Vacancies”, the sign read.

Chorus 1:

On a cold night in December,
She is trying to remember
Why she’s here, and not
Another part of the world.
And as she stares into the water,
She just sees,
Another ordinary girl.

Verse 3:

She’s elegant and gentle,
Looks so graceful in the shade,
But the sun goes into hiding,
And her smile begins to fade.

Verse 4:

Whenever she goes out in town,
That she calls her home from home,
Everyone surrounds her,
But she still feels alone.

Chorus 2:

On a cold night in December,
She is trying to remember
Why she’s here, and not
Another part of the world.
And as she stares into the water,
She just sees,
Another ordinary girl.

Bridge:

Now she takes a walk out by the water,
To try and wash away her fears,
Her thoughts, carried away like crashing waves,
Leaving her mind crystal and clear.
Morning comes,
And leaves behind the cold dark night,
And now she knows that everything
Is going to be alright.

Verse 5:

She smiles as she walks away,
Knowing nothing was as it seemed,
Her smile starts to come back,
As she begins to follow her dreams.

Chorus 3:

On a cold night in December,
She finally remembers
Why she’s here, and not
Another part of the world.
And as she walks by the water,
She can see,
That she’s no ordinary girl.
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at Jul 6, 2008,
#2
Sounded great. I couldnt help but notice (this doesnt really matter at all) but you had a lot of water images in this. Was that part of the message? Anyways, i liked its happy ending. Slightly cliche, but still good, and its not overused. There were just a few parts that need touching up: Like a doll sat on a shelf. Probably a typo, but change it to sitting on a shelf.
She stares out her car window,
Sees a motel up ahead,
Won’t find any help there,
“No Vacancies”, the sign read.
It just seemed slightly random. I dont know what could be done, you can just revise that.
Thats it. Great piece. And c4c.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1168793