#1
Hello S&L! I haven't been on in a long time, so I don't really know what you
guys(and girls) have been up to. Recently(actually last night) I wrote a song
which I hope would be sung in Norwegian as part of my practice in learning the
language. Special thanks to Gokkeen for helping me out! Anyways, I will post the
English one first, then the Norwegian. Yes, I did use a translator for most of it.
C4C as usual, and constructive crits(or any) is welcome!

Live Here, Die Here:
(English translation)

Verse:
Discrimination, profanity, insanity, all locked up inside a cage
only way out is medication, that doesn't seem to work for me,
I've already been here for way too long, it's too late to save
myself, only way out is death... or?

Pre Chorus:
Who wants to stay here? Who wants to rot here?

Chorus:
I must Live here, Die here, I must Live here, Die here, I must-

Verse:
Multiple tests show your otherside, I'm sick and that is why I'm here,
the rest is history.
Am I going insane, no I'm not, I already am, so here comes, end it right now!

Pre-chorus
Chorus

Bridge: I must, I must, I must, not give in, no not that easily
I must, I must, I must, go out with a bang, oh yes surely

BREAKDOWN

Chorus(until fade)
----------------------

Bo Her over , Dø Her over:
vers:
Skjønn, profanity, galskap, alle låst av innenfor en
bur bare utvei er medication, det ikke gjøre inntrykk av å være arbeide for meg,
Jeg har allerede blitt her over for vei også lang,
det er en for sent å bevare meg selv, bare utvei er død... eller?
Pre Koret:
Hvem ønsker å bli her over? Hvem ønsker å råte her over?
koret:
JEG må Bo her over, Dø her over, JEG må Bo her over, Dø her over, JEG må-
vers:
Mangfoldig prøver viser din andre,
Jeg er syk og det er grunnen Jeg er her over, hvilepausen er historien.
Er jeg går sinnssyk, nei Jeg er ikke, JEG allerede er, så her over kommer end den rett nå!
Pre-koret
Koret
bridge:
JEG må, JEG må, JEG må ikke, gi efter, nei ikke det lett
JEG må, JEG må, JEG må av sted, ut med en bang oh ja sikker Skade
Koret( visne )

Well, there you are! God dag!(Goo dahg)
Hold the Heathen hammer high!
#2
The two verses for me, where wonderful, and showed a great insight into the mind of a person slipping into (or already in) insanity, the only problem I have with them is the last line of the first verse, seems like a half finished thought to me, i may be wrong, put to music it might turn out to be a wondeful thing, but just on paper it seems a little out of whack, The pre-chorus really didn't do anything for me, but from what I can here in my head, could work, rot, at first didn't strike me as a word that would sound clean, but after reading the whole piece over again and again it shows a dirtiness that is definitely worth keeping, the chorus, personally, seems a little thin, maybe adding a little more into that, delve deeper into the imagery and senses that you have created in the first verse, while still keeping it rather frantic. The bridge is wonderful, nice work on that and overall, a nice piece, not flawless (though what is), but with work could become fantastic

Thanks for looking at my piece

Cheers

Led Zepper
#3
Thank you for the respone, and you're welcome! Well, I took what you said into consideration, and decided to fix some things here and there. I want to put it into a new post just so people can compare the original to the fixed one.
I haven't changed the chorus just because I want you to hear it with the guitar, and because it follows the same rythym. Here:

Live Here, Die Here:
(English translation)

Verse:
Discrimination, profanity, insanity, all locked up inside a cage
only way out is medication, that doesn't seem to work for me,
I've already been here for way too long, it's too late to save
myself, only way out is death, the choice is mine to make

Pre Chorus:
Who wants to stay here? Who wants to rot here?
All the mangled, mutilated bodies that went through it all
Who wants to die here? Who wants to break free?
I am nothing without insanity, my life is laid out for me

Chorus:
I must Live here, Die here, I must Live here, Die here, I must-

Verse:
Multiple tests show your otherside, I'm sick and that is why I'm here,
the rest is history.
Am I going insane, no I'm not, I already am, so here comes, end it right now!

Pre-chorus
Chorus

Bridge: I must, I must, I must, not give in, no not that easily
I must, I must, I must, go out with a bang, oh yes surely

BREAKDOWN

Chorus(until fade)
-------------------------
The best three minutes of my life is in this post. Constructive and simple crits are welcome.
Hold the Heathen hammer high!