#1
Long to no see S&L.
I felt like this needed to be posted.

The title is a line from a poem I just read, Erza Pound or someone. I dunno. It just fit in my mind.

Don't like the repetition of life in the second stanza...



"Venus' Mantle lined with Stars"

A resounding and repitious beat
tears through the haze,
through constricting darkness,
awakening and returning oft lost sight.

Mine eyes like new born one again.
This blindness hath been for far too long.
Calously crippling my movement,
a persistant paralysis of the mind.
And with these naive eyes comes life.
A new life to live.
A fresh start.

Reborn again!

But still...

That tell tale sound,
faint yet familiar, pulls me back
and I am once more tethered to the source
of my renewed existence.
These new born eyes
may not fathom true nature, I fear.
And yet, I shall try and I must...

Through this lifting fog,
I now recognise

a single heart beat...

Her heart beat.
#2
Quote by Of_Wolves
Long to no see S&L.
I felt like this needed to be posted.

The title is a line from a poem I just read, Erza Pound or someone. I dunno. It just fit in my mind.

Don't like the repetition of life in the second stanza...



"Venus' Mantle lined with Stars"

A resounding and repitious beat
tears through the haze,
through constricting darkness,
awakening and returning oft lost sight.

These first lines are very discriptive, very dark.
I don't see any flaws here.


Mine eyes like new born one again.
This blindness hath been for far too long.
Calously crippling my movement,
a persistant paralysis of the mind.
And with these naive eyes comes life.
A new life to live.
A fresh start.

Mine eyes? Was that a typo, or actually what you put there? Oh well.
Love the fourth line here, very good choice of wording. Perfect ending:
short, but still makes you feel something. The repetition of life isn't going to
make many people happy, since they always complain about things like that.


Reborn again!

But still...

That tell tale sound,
faint yet familiar, pulls me back
and I am once more tethered to the source
of my renewed existence.
These new born eyes
may not fathom true nature, I fear.
And yet, I shall try and I must...

My favorite stanza so far, truely beautiful and I think this is where you
could find out what this song/poem really means.

Through this lifting fog,
I now recognise

a single heart beat...

Her heart beat.

Scary ending, though I feel it could have a little more feeling to it. That is just me though.
I hope this helped a little bit, I wasn't really pointing out flaws because, well, there aren't any! So, I give you 11/10.
C4C? My latest work is Live Here, Die Here.
Sorry about no link.
Hold the Heathen hammer high!
#3
"repETitious" in the first line. I'd leave out the last two lines in the second stanza, doesn't seem to add anything. The last part, honestly, a bit lame, I'd rewrite that bit entirely.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!