#1
it means something, okay?


Knee-high water, can’t make up it’s direction,
I’m as aimless as the wind, I can’t make my decision.
Do I wade here, waiting for the current,
Or do I drift off on some waves?

Sea-snail shells ain’t helpin’ me,
They’re staying near, without no feet.
I thought I’d ask how deep, how deep?
but they ain’t goin’ nowhere.

The sun can burn,
And the sun can shine.
You can, too,
But so can I.
I don’t want to get burned this time.
To burn or to get burned?

Let’s move on
Into the east.
Let’s move on
Into the easy.
#2
Quote by radiocure
it means something, okay?


Knee-high water, can’t make up it’s direction,
I’m as aimless as the wind, I can’t make my decision.
Do I wade here, waiting for the current,
Or do I drift off on some waves?

Hmmm, the first line could use some work, seems a little weak coming out with "Knee-high water..." The third line seems to interrupt the flow of the stanza, you should say "...and wait for the current," Then the fourth line really throws of the flow. I think the word "off" can be replaced with "away" and put like three or four syllable adjective for waves like 'relentless'

Sea-snail shells ain’t helpin’ me,
They’re staying near, without no feet.
I thought I’d ask how deep, how deep?
but they ain’t goin’ nowhere.

The onomatopoeia used on the first line feels like a cliche, instead of "ain't" use 'aren't' it keeps the tone of the line. The second line, I don't like the grammar of "without no feet" try "without any feet".....Third line, you can do you without the repetition, it feels annoying and doesn't add depth to the picture you're trying to elaborate. And in the fourth line with "ain't", should be "aren't"


The sun can burn,
And the sun can shine.
You can, too,
But so can I.
I don’t want to get burned this time.
To burn or to get burned?

???

Let’s move on
Into the east.
Let’s move on
Into the easy.

This is probably your best stanza




A few grammatical errors that interrupt flow, One stanza doesn't really make sense with the rest of the poem....

I got the picture of the flood in Iowa....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#3
Quote by radiocure
it means something, okay?


Knee-high water, can’t make up it’s direction,
I’m as aimless as the wind, I can’t make my decision.
Do I wade here, waiting for the current,
Or do I drift off on some waves?

A little distant, but something pulls me to read more. Not sure what it means yet. Let's read on, shall we?


Sea-snail shells ain’t helpin’ me,
They’re staying near, without no feet.
I thought I’d ask how deep, how deep?
but they ain’t goin’ nowhere.

Did you write this song at the beach? The snails, for me at least, are kind of whimsical, and I like that. It made me smile

The sun can burn,
And the sun can shine.
You can, too,
But so can I.
I don’t want to get burned this time.
To burn or to get burned?

I really enjoyed this verse, I thought it was interesting and pretty cool.

Let’s move on
Into the east.
Let’s move on
Into the easy.

Not so crazy about the ending, but it's still nice.


Overall:

I really liked this song because it was simple and kind of reminded me of Yellow Submarine. It's simplicity would make it a good folk-ish song. There really wasn't anything I didn't like about it, so you really got a good song here! Very nice job




//
#4
I like it - I disagree with the green user's grammatical concerns - sometimes, ain't just flows better than aren't.
One thing though, those last two lines of stanza three flowed badly me thinks.
But overall, a nice song, a bit mysterious too. Mine's in my sig
#5
Quote by Eaglestalon101
A few grammatical errors that interrupt flow, One stanza doesn't really make sense with the rest of the poem....

I got the picture of the flood in Iowa....

actually, it's a song. and it flows a lot better when i sing it.
the grammatical errors were intention, i'm not an idiot. i used them to give it more of a folky sound, but at the same time, i tried not to use them too often, to stray from having a hick-ish sound.

this song is actually about my boyfriend cheating on me.
i don't know what to do.
wrote it when i found out yesterday.
#6
Quote by radiocure


Knee-high water, can’t make up it’s direction,
I’m as aimless as the wind, I can’t make my decision.
Do I wade here, waiting for the current,
Or do I drift off on some waves?
Vague/mysterious enough to get me interested right away. However, the first line seems a little weaker than the rest of the section.

Sea-snail shells ain’t helpin’ me,
They’re staying near, without no feet.
I thought I’d ask how deep, how deep?
but they ain’t goin’ nowhere.
Okay. Get rid of the double negatives, they don't really work here for me. I like the repetition of "how deep?"

The sun can burn,
And the sun can shine.
You can, too,
But so can I.
I groaned at the predictability of the fourth line here. However, I like what you are saying, so I will let it pass.
I don’t want to get burned this time.
To burn or to get burned?

Let’s move on
Into the east.
Let’s move on
Into the easy.
You are intending to equate 'east' with 'easy' here, right? I'd elaborate a little bit. About why the north/south/west is difficult, or what makes the east better, or something.


Okay, the vagueness was cool in the beginning, but I wish it would get a bit more informative as the piece progressed. However, i liked a lot of the word choices and stuff. The alliteration was cool in the second stanza. I don't know if the sea snail shells have any significance, but I like the imagery a lot as well.

If you'd crit my new one (in the sig) called By The Sea (Me-Oh-My), that'd be great.
#7
you're hiding behind a metaphorical wall.
come out and shed some light.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Quote by radiocure
it means something, okay?


Knee-high water, can’t make up it’s direction,
I’m as aimless as the wind, I can’t make my decision.
Do I wade here, waiting for the current,
Or do I drift off on some waves?
I'm so glad you added in the first line, if you didn't I would just say this sucks cliche balls. But, because you did have that first line, I am amazed and enlightened.

Sea-snail shells ain’t helpin’ me,
Don't like the "ain't helpin' me" part. Never felt those punctuation marks are necessary. I'm in a bad mood I think. The first phrase cheered me up though.
They’re staying near, without no feet.
I thought I’d ask how deep, how deep?
but they ain’t goin’ nowhere.
Does nothing special for me and I don't see its direct point. If you are going to wright an aimless piece, try and stick to one method of penmenship. You have both a conversational manner working here, and a very poetic cryptic one. Utterly confusing.

The sun can burn,
And the sun can shine.
You can, too,
But so can I.
I don’t want to get burned this time.
"This time" - Not sure I like.
To burn or to get burned?
I'm sure I don't like this.

Let’s move on
Into the east.
Let’s move on
Into the easy.
Simple play on words here and thats all it needs.


I am not the most conducive of readers and writers so this piece was slightly bewildering! But nonetheless, I did enjoy reading it and it has brought you to my attention and I hope that means something to you.

Digitally Clean