#1
I'm not sure if I want to make this into a song or not, I know the rhythm probably isn't right, but it's my latest work nonetheless. I'll do my best to c4c. Thanks for your opinions


I don't need pills or bottles
To find my fun in life
Because you can't smoke away
The time you've lost
In your hazy dream of nothing

I can see the world
Without your poison
I can smile and know
That there's something to smile for
I will walk away
Shake my head
You might as well stay in bed

You can spend your money
On things that destroy
But I'm makin music
While you get smashed
Like a child's toy

If I make it big
Will you give it up?
Music will save you
Drugs will not
#2
i could see this being christian rock. add a "Jesus" or two and your set lol
"Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise!"

"And there's Jimmy Page, the biggest thief of American Blues music"
#3
Quote by Taxi_06
I'm not sure if I want to make this into a song or not, I know the rhythm probably isn't right, but it's my latest work nonetheless. I'll do my best to c4c. Thanks for your opinions

I don't need pills or bottles
To find my fun in life
Because you can't smoke away
The time you've lost
In your hazy dream of nothing

I can see the world
Without your poison
I can smile and know
That there's something to smile for
I will walk away
Shake my head
You might as well stay in bed

You can spend your money
On things that destroy
But I'm makin music
While you get smashed
Like a child's toy

This stanza really stands out for me. I really like the bit about the childs toy! That's really original. One of those lines your like, damn, why didn't I think of that!


If I make it big
Will you give it up?
Music will save you
Drugs will not

I could easily see this turned into a acoustic/folk song, with the obvious straightedge/christian flair. Don't need the jesus lines like the above poster mentioned, but it does it well. I'd like to see the final product sometime! Pretty original, nothing cliche that I can catch. Not gonna put my beer down though =)



12tomakepostlongenoughbutnowitswaytoomuch
#4
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. I really liked the message of this piece. I think you should consider changing the second line of the first stanza to something like, "to find the meaning". I just think it adds more of an impact. Also in the the second stanza, I thnk you could find a better line than the last one. Maybe something like "Shake my head/at your (whatever you want to put)". Anyways, nice job. We need more positive songs like this.
#5
Quote by Taxi_06
I'm not sure if I want to make this into a song or not, I know the rhythm probably isn't right, but it's my latest work nonetheless. I'll do my best to c4c. Thanks for your opinions


I don't need pills or bottles
To find my fun in life
Because you can't smoke away
The time you've lost
In your hazy dream of nothing
This part is a bit bland, tbh. Nothing really eye-catching.

I can see the world
Without your poison
I can smile and know
That there's something to smile for
I will walk away
Shake my head
You might as well stay in bed
This isn't too bad.

You can spend your money
On things that destroy
But I'm makin music
While you get smashed
Like a child's toy
Not bad. I think you could get a better metaphor in the end, but I can see why you'd keep it (rhyme).

If I make it big
Will you give it up?
Music will save you
Drugs will not


This isn't bad, it's just not very eye-catching or emotional and didn't really "hook" me. Good message, though
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