#1
Just a quik idea for a song i had, i dont thinks its done, but i want to post, inspired by Guitar Slim


Busking in the backyard
i've been working so hard.
We're paying hookers by the week
Money's feeling cheap.


Wouldn't that be sweet?
Would you love to be like me?
So go on and take it.
But you ain't gunna get it from me!
There's only room on this cloud for one.

*piano solo*(short)

Busking in the backyard
i've been working so hard.
We're paying hookers by the week
Money's feeling cheap.

* Guitar Solo*

life's so sweet,
when your buskin in your backyard!
yah baby, life's so sweet.
when you're,
Buskin'
i'n the backyard.


of course, in the last 2 lines the music stops, for the big notes...
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
Last edited by Mr.Cuddles at Aug 11, 2008,
#2
im a big blues fan and that was the first thing i thought of when i started to read through it. you could rock that with some blues man.
#3
thanks man!
im glad you liked it.
it was just some ideas that came to me reading about guitar little that i threw together.
EDIT:and about imagining it as blues i agree ithink som JLH styl;e guitar and foot would be great for this, but with a little garage rocky verse where im playing with the vocal melody on guitar and repeat what i just played,
but a very jlh ish chorus...
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
Last edited by Mr.Cuddles at Jul 7, 2008,
#5
Quote by Mr.Cuddles
Just a quik idea for a song i had, i dont thinks its done, but i want to post, inspired by Guitar Slim


Busking in the backyard
i've been working so hard.
We're paying hookers by the week
Money's feeling cheap.


I like the choice of alliteration you use, "Busking in the backyard". It's original.


Wouldn't that be sweet?
Would you love that?
So go out and get it,
But you ain't gettin it from me,
There's only room on this cloud for one

I'm not sure what you're saying would be sweet though. I like the style. But when it says "Wouldn't that be sweet", I'm left thinking "Wouldn't what be sweet", because the first stanza leaves me with the impression that you already have it.

Busking in the backyard
i've been working so hard.
We're paying hookers by the week
Money's feeling cheap.


Good piece overall, I'm feelin' the style.
#6
Hey man, i tottaly see what you maen and i edited the second line to help it make sense.

thanks for the crit!
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#7
Quote by Mr.Cuddles
Just a quik idea for a song i had, i dont thinks its done, but i want to post, inspired by Guitar Slim


Busking in the backyard
Nice opening... I like it.
i've been working so hard.
This ruins it slightly though I'm afraid. For one, it doesn't flow and two, it just doesn't compliment the easy going, laid back opening. Its cool to have the contrast and the sudden loss of feeling, but not so early on in the piece.
We're paying hookers by the week
Money's feeling cheap.
This is very good, both humours, real and original.


Wouldn't that be sweet?
Would you love to be like me?
So go out and get it,
Great opening to this stanza but the word "get" just reeks of boredom.
But you ain't gettin it from me,
There's only room on this cloud for one.
A little cliched and dull. Its alright to use cliched idea's, especially in these kind of pieces, but it would work so much more effectively if you reached that cliche with interesting termanology. It would create a great contrast.


Busking in the backyard
i've been working so hard.
We're paying hookers by the week
Money's feeling cheap.
Cool!!


This is a nice little number; would be better in my eyes if you continued with the laid back approach and cleared that up with some interesting vocabulary.
Hope I haven't been too harsh mate, this place has made me a cruel person, so to speak. Ha!

Digitally Clean
#8
Quote by Mr.Cuddles
Just a quik idea for a song i had, i dont thinks its done, but i want to post, inspired by Guitar Slim


Busking in the backyard
i've been working so hard.
We're paying hookers by the week
Money's feeling cheap.

Nice verse. I like the rhyming, and flow is good

Wouldn't that be sweet?
Would you love to be like me?
So go out and get it,
But you ain't gettin it from me,
There's only room on this cloud for one.

hmmm, this verse is nice too...I'd like to change it up a bit to help the flow, but when I started making my suggestion it kinda came out like Charlie Daniels in "Long Haired Country Boy"

But seriously, you need to add an extra line to this and on the 4th line try

"you ain't gonna get it from me"


Busking in the backyard
i've been working so hard.
We're paying hookers by the week
Money's feeling cheap.

Same as before


Overall it's a decent piece, it has room for a couple extra verses...


Here's my piece if you're interested:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=910845
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
Last edited by Eaglestalon101 at Jul 17, 2008,
#11
Quote by AngryGoldfish
This is a nice little number; would be better in my eyes if you continued with the laid back approach and cleared that up with some interesting vocabulary.
Hope I haven't been too harsh mate, this place has made me a cruel person, so to speak. Ha!

Digitally Clean

never too harsh man!
thanks for the crit all, I'll try and get back to all of you!
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)