#1
Used everyone's input and revised. This is the most current version.
Still looking to tweak things, so additional input is appreciated. As always, C4C!

Again, thanks for the assistance everyone. I was expecting to get totally reamed, this being my first piece on UG and all.

--------------------

In the silence I surrender,
Betrayed by the feeble hands of faith.
Yet so rigid they remain,
set upon the precipice of fame.

I begin to breathe, as she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.

Hide your face, and turn away,
The paparazzi of cold embrace.
Do you know,
how much the meaning fades?

I shatter upon the glass wall,
harrowed of hidden shame.
because we know,
I'm the only one to blame.

I begin to breathe, and she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.

And we paint the august skies,
red with regret,
and wicked lies.
But in truth, in the silence I recall,
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Last edited by Ninja Turkey at Jul 15, 2008,
#2
Quote by Ninja Turkey
Hey all,
first timer here. Been trolling for a week or so, figured its time to contribute. I'm getting the S&L lingo down, but I will C4C for sure.
Thanks!

In truth, in the silence I surrender,
Betrayed by the feeble hands of faith.
Yet so rigid they remain
set upon the precipice of fame

This is a good beggining, I like the rhythm and flow of it. The first line confused me, but the rest of the lines were great.

Crossing blindly across the open sea
I begin to breath, and she screams
Is there a better definition of irony
and we fall to our knees
because we know

Ok, this is where it kind of loses me. I'm not great at poetry or songwriting, so I'm not sure that the irony is where you say it is. Try to make the main idea a bit more clear. I like the idea for this stanza, but it just kind of loses me.


Hide your face, and turn away
The paparazzi of cold embrace
Do you know,
how much the meaning fades?

This made a bit more sense to me, and it was pretty good. You don't hear paparazzi much in songs, well at least the ones I heard, so I like the wording here.

And we paint with the august skies
and red regret
and wicked lies
But in truth, in the silence I recall,
I wouldn't have it any other way

I'm not really sure how I feel about this stanza. A teacher once told me that you don't have to respond to every piece of literature that is thrown at you, so I really don't have an opinion about this stanza.

I begin to breath, and she screams
Is there a better definition of irony
and we fall to our knees
because we know

Ok, I feel the same way about this that I did the last one like this.


Overall:

It was kind of distant to me, but there were some good parts to it. Nice rhythm and flow and it wasn't really cliche at all. The rhyming could be better, as well as the clarity of the main ideas. But I would like to see what else you could write, I think it will get better.



//
#3
Pretty nice. Has a real deep feeling to it man, but i was a bit lost in the line when you talked about the sea, and the first line too. but over all pretty good.
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#4
Quote by Ninja Turkey
Hey all,
first timer here. Been trolling for a week or so, figured its time to contribute. I'm getting the S&L lingo down, but I will C4C for sure.
Thanks!

----------------------
In truth, in the silence I surrender,
Betrayed by the feeble hands of faith.
Yet so rigid they remain,
set upon the precipice of fame.

Nice opening lines...good flow, and rhyme

Crossing blindly across the open seas,
I begin to breathe, as she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.

Good flow, but I'm not quite catching your drift here...It goes from crossing blindly across the open seas to breathing in as she screams....I guess it's like stealing the breath from her, but I don't know how it relates to the the open seas...

Hide your face, and turn away,
The paparazzi of cold embrace.
Do you know,
how much the meaning fades?

Nice stanz, good flow, understandable

I shatter upon the glass wall,
harrowed of hidden shame.
because we know,
I'm the only one to blame.

Nice alliteration, good flow...

I begin to breathe, and she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.

Still not catching it

And we paint the august skies,
red with regret,
and wicked lies.
But in truth, in the silence I recall,
I wouldn't have it any other way

I think you should end this stanza with a rhyme on the last line to recall...Just my opinion



Not bad, just a stanza that seems irrelevant to the rest of this piece. You got a lot to build on here, keep it up
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#5
Thanks for the replies, guys! I really appreciate the feedback. I've been critting all day hoping for a bump, and you guys came to my rescue, haha. If you guys have anything to be crit, I'm really appreciative.

I will drop the first line of the second stanza on the revision for sure. After looking at it like that, it does really improve the meaning as a whole....And I don't remember envisioning a rowboat in this song.
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#6
Quote by Ninja Turkey
Hey all,
first timer here. Been trolling for a week or so, figured its time to contribute. I'm getting the S&L lingo down, but I will C4C for sure.
Thanks!

----------------------
In truth, in the silence I surrender,
Betrayed by the feeble hands of faith.
Yet so rigid they remain,
set upon the precipice of fame.

This is full of... Strong words, I would say. Each with such an intense meaning, it almost distracts you. I mean, the words just, almost take away the meaning... Unless you read it over again, because you realized that you didn't take in any of that... That's just the way it came across to me. Although, the only word I would change, is precipice... only because it seems like you don't need it to make your point, and it is distracting.

Crossing blindly across the open seas,
I begin to breathe, as she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.

Well, I don't like the almost repetition of Cross, it just seems to bash through the line... Yet, the rest of the verse is very smooth. I love the rest, it just works...

Hide your face, and turn away,
The paparazzi of cold embrace.
Do you know,
how much the meaning fades?

I don't quite feel this verse, it seems, fragmented... the 3rd line just sticks out like a sore thumb... it doesn't mess with the flow, it just... doesn't sit right...

I shatter upon the glass wall,
harrowed of hidden shame.
because we know,
I'm the only one to blame.

I love the images in this verse... The almost... paradoxical way the first line is, really grabs you and runs, and it slides on through to the end of the verse.

I begin to breathe, and she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.

This seems much better without the first line... With the Cross and Across stuff...

And we paint the august skies,
red with regret,
and wicked lies.
But in truth, in the silence I recall,
I wouldn't have it any other way

Pow! and you nailed it... you left me feeling desolated, like a giant wave just came and washed everything around away, and made me pause and think about this piece, nice ending.



I really like this piece, it definitely expresses some deep emotion with which many can relate... It also seems like you were talking about fame, and so many other things, that it just all came together... Definitely read it again...
#7
Quote by Ninja Turkey
Hey all,
first timer here. Been trolling for a week or so, figured its time to contribute. I'm getting the S&L lingo down, but I will C4C for sure.
Thanks!

C4C? Okay then, let's give this a whirl...
--------------------
In truth, in the silence I surrender,
Betrayed by the feeble hands of faith.
Yet so rigid they remain,
set upon the precipice of fame.

This is very well spaced, creates a definate sense gaps, spaces, feels exactly like you are telling it, as if you're trying to convay a message across to someone who matters. Sounds exactly like you saying it.

Crossing blindly across the open seas,
I begin to breathe, as she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.

This feels a bit more... Forced, almost, like you have backspaced a few times. Just to try and make the rythm and rhyme fit in. However, the line "Is there a better definition of irony?" makes me hard, the rest, for me, however, doesn't make it, just because it feel like you've made it to fit.

Hide your face, and turn away,
The paparazzi of cold embrace.
Do you know,
how much the meaning fades?

Again, it feels like you've changed the subject because of a changed stanza. I do love this stanza, "Could you know," feels to me much more comfortable than "Do you know," but it's very much a personal thing.

I shatter upon the glass wall,
harrowed of hidden shame.
because we know,
I'm the only one to blame.

"I shatter upon glass walls" I think, has a bit more of an impact, and also sits better for me, I think the plural emphasises it more. "Because we know," seems to be repeated throughout the poem. I like it, very much, we almost have to sit here and think "Well he's telling us know, what do we know?" It makes us think, and I like it, works so much than "Do you know?" Excellent stanza.

I begin to breathe, and she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.

Added for effect I'm guessing, I do love this bit very much, if you were to repeat a bit. This would be it.

And we paint the august skies,
red with regret,
and wicked lies.
But in truth, in the silence I recall,
I wouldn't have it any other way

I would like to know why August. But it does seem like a very final ending. Very definative. "I would never" instead of "I wouldn't" but I've never been a fan of shortened words. It's just the little things, very small changes, in the occasional line, otherwise, wonderful poem, thank you for letting me have a read.


Also, if anyone could check the poetry in my sig, I think there's only one at the moment "Knife Edge Living - Part One - The Things I Could Never Trust You With," Thank you kindly. =)
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Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#8
Thanks for the crit. I like this piece too much to give it a full crit - it would all either be praise or grammar policing (which is unnecessary with a song). You've created some very beautiful imagery in each verse, especially the first and the last. My one suggestion is to omit in truth in the first verse, since it doesn't contribute to the song except to confuse it.

Sorry for the weak response, but really it's your own fault for making this so damn good. I'll make sure and get to your next one more thoroughly.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#9
----------------------
In truth, in the silence I surrender,
Betrayed by the feeble hands of faith.
Yet so rigid they remain,
set upon the precipice of fame.
In truth is tottally useless here...nice use of most of the words here though, and good flow.

Crossing blindly across the open seas,
I begin to breathe, as she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.
youv'e already been yelled at becuase of the first line...

Hide your face, and turn away,
The paparazzi of cold embrace.
Do you know,
how much the meaning fades?
this part isn't amazing but its not bad...i would change it a little bit...

I shatter upon the glass wall,
harrowed of hidden shame.
because we know,
I'm the only one to blame.
i liked it

I begin to breathe, and she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.
this makes sense without the sea part.

And we paint the august skies,
red with regret,
and wicked lies.
But in truth, in the silence I recall,
I wouldn't have it any other way
I liked this part.


nice peice altoghether, i loved the last part
if you have time i have 2 of mine in my sig.
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Last edited by Mr.Cuddles at Jul 8, 2008,
#10
Quote by Ninja Turkey
Hey all,
first timer here. Been trolling for a week or so, figured its time to contribute. I'm getting the S&L lingo down, but I will C4C for sure.
Thanks!

----------------------
In truth, in the silence I surrender,
"In truth" isn't worthy of the rest of this piece, unless of course I am missing the point of it?
Betrayed by the feeble hands of faith.
Yet so rigid they remain,
set upon the precipice of fame.
I'm not too keen on the word "precipice" you validated here. It just doesn't feel right. The remaining sentences contain very dramatic words, but they are more relatable. But suddenly, precipice is thrown in and, its not that its bad, but it just never clicked with me.

Crossing blindly across the open seas,
I don't understand this.
I begin to breathe, as she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.
This is excellent when you read it out loud. On first read, its brittle, confusing and stuttering, but then after re-reading it many times, it lets out a new light that certainly lends this piece a very dramatic escense that I really enjoyed.

Hide your face, and turn away,
The paparazzi of cold embrace.
Do you know,
how much the meaning fades?
Can't fault this.

I shatter upon the glass wall,
harrowed of hidden shame.
Shouldn't it be "in" instead of "of" here?
because we know,
I'm the only one to blame.
Simple but powerful.

I begin to breathe, and she screams;
Is there a better definition of irony?
And we fall to our knees,
because we know.
This is not the most appropriate of chorus' for a general song...but this is not a general song!!

And we paint the august skies,
red with regret,
and wicked lies.
Slight flow issue here, but nothing drastic of course.
But in truth, in the silence I recall,
I wouldn't have it any other way
Really nice ending.


I found it very hard to pick fault with this, I really had to stretch myself.
It never fully clicked with me but other people haven't had the same problem so I can't be critical of that.
Well done mate, really well structured and emphasised.

Digitally Clean
#11
Woo, first page again. Thanks AngryGoldfish.

I really appreciate all the replies, folks!
I've really taken all of the advice and input very seriously, and with everyone's help its turning out to be pretty good. I've edited the original post with the newly edited version.

And everyone was right, I'm not sure what the crossing the open seas thing was about...I think I had a nautical thing going at first, but completely forgot about it and left a puzzle behind, haha.

Again, I'm still looking for crits, and will be criting others as well. Just make sure to specifiy which piece you would like crit the most!

Thanks again all.
Gears;
Schecter Tempest Custom - Pearl
EMG 81/85
Digitech RP350
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#12
I really enjoyed reading this piece. (And I can't belive it was the first one you posted. The first one I wrote was terrible. Not say that I've really gotten that much better). Anyways, onto the crit. I think you should change "precipice" to soemthing else. That word isn't used much and it just doesn't seem to fit. I really liked the second/fourth stanza, especially the "irony" line. In the third stanza I think you need to add a "from" before "the paparazzi". Also consider changing "paparazzi" to "snapshots" or something. Just so that line isn't so long. I liked the fifth stanza. However, I really don't see the connection between the two-halves. I thought you the piece ended on a powerful note. Very emotional. Anyways, great job and I can't wait to read more from you.

Crit mine please
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