#1
Okay, first things first, I tried to take a completely different direction with this song
here, it is supposed to sound a bit like a Decemberists song.

There’s a fog rolling,
through this ghost town.
As my one true love
takes her rest underground.
And the breath of the trees
does swell up and sigh,
While the autumn breeze sings
Me – oh - my

There’s a rain falling
brown, orange, and red.
Bouquets of She-Loves-
Me-Nots by her head.
And the sound of the church bell
Leaves my shores dry.
As the sea birds cry out
Me-oh-my
Me - oh - my


I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh

Solo

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 7, 2008,
#3
Quote by Skaliveson



There’s a fog rolling
through this ghost town
As my one true love
takes her rest underground
I think these last two lines should be tweaked a little. By saying "As" in conjunction with the word "takes", it makes it feel as if she just started to take her rest. I don't know if that's what you were aiming for, but I would say she should start dead, unless it was expounded upon more.
And the breath of the trees
does swell up and sigh
While the autumn breeze sings
Me – oh - my
EXCELLENT imagery. Great word choice.

There’s a rain falling
brown, orange, and red
A bouquet of She-
Loves-Me-Nots by her head
And the sound of the church bell
Leaves my shores dry
As the sea birds cry out
Me-oh-my
Me - oh - my
Fairly good. The "She love me nots" part was a tad bit of a stretch on your flow.

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
Crawl into the ground
And join my love
That was flat out great.
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh


Your word choice was superb. Choosing to attribute her death to autumn was very good, and you even mention a sighing, which brings to mind the main characters heavy heart, whilst reinforcing the autum image. The "crawl into the ground" part was also very good.

EDIT: Shawn, you need to say what he did wrong. For all you know, he made a mistake and doesn't even know there was a problem. I can't think of what he did wrong, and I looked for recent pieces of his...
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jul 7, 2008,
#5
When I reported it, I stated what was wrong. I deliberately did not point out what was wrong to the user because maybe they would take time to read the rules and figure it out themself.

Alas, here is the link of the a piece posted within the 6 days length.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=899903