#1
I'm sorry if this isn't a song. It's really a poem I intend to give to a girl thats very special to me, but I think that because songwriting is much like poetry the regulars in this forum would helpful and that this is the ideal place for it. I'm afraid if I posted in the pit I would get sarcastic responses and no real critiques.

btw, the title is not set in stone at the moment

It was nearly ten months ago
An ordinary day
I inadvertently talked to you
And then I went away

It was a simple accident
A blunder and a mistake
But hidden from our eyes
It was gods work - it was fate

It was many months later
You started talking to me
Every word from your mouth made me smile
You made me so happy

It took me many weeks
But I found the courage inside
I took you to the movies
I wanted to make you mine

Now its three short months later
But things have changed so much
You’re no longer just a girl
You hold the key to my heart

Every time I see you’re eyes
Every time I hear you’re voice
Every time I hold you’re hand
I know you’re the one for me

But not everything is easy
The waters are getting rough
I’ll love you no matter how hard it gets
I can never tell you that enough

I hope you feel the same way as me
And even if I’m a million miles away
I hope you know that I’ll always be there
I’ll be thinking of you every single day


Any opinions and advice you have are much appreciated
Quote by Sonicxlover
I once told a Metallica fan I liked Megadeth, and he stabbed me 42 times.
Last edited by bigwilly at Jul 6, 2008,
#2
i dig it bro, mad nice--idk how much of a song it could be in the form that its in now, but as a poem its great
Gear

Gibson Les Paul Standard
Fender American Strat
Taylor 214ce
Mesa Boogie Triple Rectifier (about to be Voodoo Modded)
Keeley TS-808
Boss GT-10 Processor
Boss RC-20xl
#3
Quote by rocknskate4
i dig it bro, mad nice--idk how much of a song it could be in the form that its in now, but as a poem its great


I understand. Theres really no chorus, it just progresses as a story. I'm sure a little tweaking could work something out, but thats not exactly my intent at the moment.
Quote by Sonicxlover
I once told a Metallica fan I liked Megadeth, and he stabbed me 42 times.
#4
ya but still it has a LOT of potential, its def gonna make whoever its for real happy
Gear

Gibson Les Paul Standard
Fender American Strat
Taylor 214ce
Mesa Boogie Triple Rectifier (about to be Voodoo Modded)
Keeley TS-808
Boss GT-10 Processor
Boss RC-20xl
#6
Quote by Skaliveson
Not a whole lot to add on to what everyone else already said, I actually can envision a very nice love song coming out of this one. Who says it needs a chorus?


Hmmm, never thought of it that way. It's just so typical for songs to be in a box-like style like this: intro ->verse ->chorus ->verse ->chorus ->instrumental solo ->chorus ->outro

and as a pretty novice person when it comes to songwriting, I sort of assume thats the way all things are. Although I know thats not true.

Any examples of songs without a chorus?
Quote by Sonicxlover
I once told a Metallica fan I liked Megadeth, and he stabbed me 42 times.
#7
Hmm, I don't have tons right off the top of my head. I mean, choruses are usually a good idea, they provide the catchy, memorable part of songs that gets stuck in peoples' heads. However, if you have a good idea, especially if it is told as a story, you can fit in plenty of hooks without a chorus.

Thunder Road, by Bruce Springsteen is (in my opinion) the greatest lyrical song ever written, and it has no chorus, I don't have anything else I can think of though.
#8
The more I think about this, the more I realize it would be neat to try and make a song out of this.

So I got to wondering about adding a chorus and using what's already there as verses. I figure that it would logically fit to take every two stanzas of the current form and combine them as one to make each verse, thus giving me 4 verses.

I also thought that that the 6th stanza is at least a good start on a chorus.

So how do you think it would be if I replaced the 6th stanza with something else, then divided it up into 4 verses, and to mold the current 6th stanza into a chorus and incorporate it within the song?

Any other suggestions to bring this closer to becoming a good song?
Quote by Sonicxlover
I once told a Metallica fan I liked Megadeth, and he stabbed me 42 times.