#1
crit4crit

As they send mating calls
Through text messages,
Their primal fetishes
All become reduced
To complex images.


Stop this idle hunting;
I've been pinned by claws
Of the one that I'm loving.


One day I'll bare my teeth
And you'll come running.
I'll be franticly free,
Laughing at the wild,
When chain my smile
To your speed dial.

So many questions
Barking at the soul.
Will these howling moans
Sing her favorite song
And become her ringtone?


If you call my number,
The only answer you'll get
Is a restraining order
.

You have my mistaken
For a different lover.
The only restraint
You're putting on me
Is never knowing
The length of my leash.
#2
Im kind of new at writing lyrics so you can take this or leave it....

I think the overall structure is good and everyting. but I think it sounds kind of funky that your mixing deep, semi-dark things, with lighter things youd find in a poppier song like cell phones and the like. it could be a pretty good song if you get rid of some of that, I think.
#3
this is both good and bad in my eyes.
it kind of feels good to see your subject matter released from it's cage and taking new directions.
yet, at the same time; this piece makes it feel condensed. like cynicism in a mason jar, just waiting to explode into rampant convulsions of powerhouse impacts on the reader.
don't get me wrong, though.
i did like this for what it was; just not what it could've been.

btw, thank you for the words on my piece. they mean alot.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
^ This. Hate that I can't say more.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
you've got some good ideas just the way you write about them makes them suck. the first verse is so hilarious that it should just be immediately erased. the wording, awkward phrasing, everything about that verse is terrible. the rest comes off as a bad pop-punk band trying to seem deep. don't try and seem to be deep, actually be deep. i've seen you do it before.
#6
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

As they send mating calls
Through text messages,
Their primal fetishes
All become reduced
To complex images.


I liked this first stanza. It's kind of funky and fun yet dark. Text messaging=not serious

Stop this idle hunting;
I've been pinned by claws
Of the one that I'm loving.


One day I'll bare my teeth
And you'll come running.
I'll be franticly free,
Laughing at the wild,
When chain my smile
To your speed dial. This stanza seemed too forced. Take it out

So many questions
Barking at the soul.
Will these howling moans
Sing her favorite song
And become her ringtone?
This one's kind of funny. especially the howling moans part is hilarious. Except for the ringtone part, i hated that, its corny

If you call my number,
The only answer you'll get
Is a restraining order
.

You have my mistaken
For a different lover.
The only restraint
You're putting on me
Is never knowing
The length of my leash.Ending makes you think


I actually liked it at first. Until I read the comments, I kind second guessed myself. But i'm not changing my first impression.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15153943#post15153943
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#8
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

As they send mating calls
Through text messages,
Their primal fetishes
All become reduced
To complex images.


Stop this idle hunting;
I've been pinned by claws
Of the one that I'm loving.


Interesting. Sounds like it could be kind of heavy rock-ish, but I'm not sure. I liked the rhythm and flow, but the idea is still unclear.


One day I'll bare my teeth
And you'll come running.
I'll be franticly free,
Laughing at the wild,
When chain my smile
To your speed dial.

Sounds kind of weird. Not bad, just weird. Maybe because I write folk music, but that's beside the point. I'm starting to get the idea now, and it's rather exciting!

So many questions
Barking at the soul.
Will these howling moans
Sing her favorite song
And become her ringtone?


I liked this because it was witty and fun. The ringtone part is cool.


If you call my number,
The only answer you'll get
Is a restraining order
.

This was my favorite part of the song. I don't know why, but it made me laugh. I mean that in a good way.



You have my mistaken
For a different lover.
The only restraint
You're putting on me
Is never knowing
The length of my leash.

Nice ending, but how is not knowing the length of your leash restraining to you? Sounds like you're contradicting yourself. Nothing that can't be fixed.


Overall: The song wasn't really my cup of tea, but I still liked it. The rhythm and flow were good and it wasn't really cliche at all, the rhymes were predictable at times, but that's fine. Definitely sounds like a hard rock/metal song. Pretty cool. Keep writing




Could you read mine? In the sig. Thanks