#1
Okay, first things first, I tried to take a completely different direction with this song
here, it is supposed to sound a bit like a Decemberists song. Please, C4C.

There’s a fog rolling
through this ghost town.
As my one true love
takes her rest underground.
And the breath of the trees
does swell up and sigh,
While the autumn breeze sings
Me – oh - my

There’s a rain falling
brown, orange, and red.
Bouquets of She-Loves-
Me-Nots by her head.
And the sound of the church bell
Leaves my shores dry.
As the sea birds cry out
Me-oh-my
Me - oh - my


I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh

Solo

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh

Also, I'm debating a bridge and/or third verse, what do you think?
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 17, 2008,
#2
I like it man, it's really sad and gray.
I'd like to see what you do with it.
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#3
Quote by Skaliveson

Bouquets of She-Loves-
Me-Nots by her head.



The 'join my love' bit read like random words for me, sing songy, no feeling. Didn't like that.

The flow also seemed to detract from the feeling. I read it like a children's comic book poem because that's how the flow presented itself to me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Quote by DigUpHerBones

The 'join my love' bit read like random words for me, sing songy, no feeling. Didn't like that.


I hope you realize that by 'my love' i meant the person, not the emotion. Just wanted to make sure.

Quote by DigUpHerBones

The flow also seemed to detract from the feeling. I read it like a children's comic book poem because that's how the flow presented itself to me.


Can you describe how this happens exactly? I have a melody for it, and it doesn't seem quite sing-songy, or childish.
#5
Quote by Skaliveson
I hope you realize that by 'my love' i meant the person, not the emotion. Just wanted to make sure.


Did indeed.


Can you describe how this happens exactly? I have a melody for it, and it doesn't seem quite sing-songy, or childish.


Just read like that, especially in the she-love-me-nots verse. I had to go back after reading the flow in the first two lines differently to how I read that line and it tripped me up, and when I picked up on it it sounded like a skipping rope tune I'm afraid :|.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Quote by Skaliveson
Okay, first things first, I tried to take a completely different direction with this song
here, it is supposed to sound a bit like a Decemberists song. Please, C4C.

There’s a fog rolling,
through this ghost town.
As my one true love
takes her rest underground.
And the breath of the trees
does swell up and sigh,
While the autumn breeze sings
Me – oh - my

I find myself tapping a beat to this. I can't find anything wrong.

There’s a rain falling
brown, orange, and red.
Bouquets of She-Loves-
Me-Nots by her head.
And the sound of the church bell
Leaves my shores dry.
As the sea birds cry out
Me-oh-my
Me - oh - my

I love the personification, if you will. First the autumn singing, then the birds crying. Foot is still tapping along.

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh


Solo

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh

The only thing I can say negative about the whole thing is the chorus. I don't like the third and fourth line.

Also, I'm debating a bridge and/or third verse, what do you think?


Overall I like it. Kind like a lofty acoustic song. Humming along and all...

That's probably because I don't know who the Decemberists are.
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#11
Quote by Skaliveson
Okay, first things first, I tried to take a completely different direction with this song
here, it is supposed to sound a bit like a Decemberists song. Please, C4C.

There’s a fog rolling,
through this ghost town.
As my one true love
takes her rest underground.
And the breath of the trees
does swell up and sigh,
While the autumn breeze sings
Me – oh - my

I really like this verse, but the whole "takes her rest underground" seems too abrupt and unimaginative, maybe spice that up.

There’s a rain falling
brown, orange, and red.
Bouquets of She-Loves-
Me-Nots by her head.
And the sound of the church bell
Leaves my shores dry.
As the sea birds cry out
Me-oh-my
Me - oh - my

This is just great, I like how you used such an innocent saying, as sort of a symbol to add to the voice of the piece, "She-Loves-Me-Nots" You could have said flowers, but by saying it like that it shows your attitude towards them.

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh

I like the chorus a lot, it seems so sad, like giving up. I think that the repetition was iffy but, it works. I'd keep it.


Solo

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh

Also, I'm debating a bridge and/or third verse, what do you think?


I really liked this, it was rich with images, a lot of which were just from the tone of the song. I really enjoyed it. Keep it up.
#12
I think it is fine without anymore lyrics added, but the song would need to be drawn out.

The imagery is nice, leaves falling to rain.

The only thing I am confused/not exactly liking is the "me oh my" thing, but it probably means much more to you.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#13
I really like it. Overall, I think it's a solid piece.

The only thing I don't really like are the 3rd and 4th lines in the chorus. Other than that, I really like it.
#14
Ok. So, after reading this the first thing that came to my mind was Razorlight's "To The Sea". Other thing I didn't like was that the best line "Bouquets of She-Loves-Me-Nots by her head." didn't flow well, at least for me. The content was original and somewhat catchy. Overall it's a good piece. Keep going man !
#17
Quote by Skaliveson
Okay, first things first, I tried to take a completely different direction with this song
here, it is supposed to sound a bit like a Decemberists song. Please, C4C.

There’s a fog rolling,
There's something mesmerizing about the two words together of "fog" and "rolling." You have discovered something special there my friend. Why is there a comma after "rolling" by the way?
through this ghost town.
As my one true love
takes her rest underground.
Wow! PURRRDY
And the breath of the trees
does swell up and sigh,
Not sure I like the "does" added here. I know you have to put it in but if you rephrase it, it may lend it a new dimension.

While the autumn breeze sings
Me – oh - my

There’s a rain falling
brown, orange, and red.
Bouquets of She-Loves-
Me-Nots by her head.
And the sound of the church bell
Leaves my shores dry.
As the sea birds cry out
Me-oh-my
Me - oh - my
Cannot fault this at all. Beautiful stuff.


I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh
Once again, faultless.
Solo

I suppose I’ll wait
Until I’m withered and old,
To crawl into the ground
And join my love
By the sea
By the sea
By--- the--- sea---
Ohh

Also, I'm debating a bridge and/or third verse, what do you think?
Another verse or bridge would be nice yes. I would not normally admit that more is necessary but in this case I do believe it could add more.


This was a joy to read. Very pleasing to the eyes and ears and very pretty. Shows a new depth to your abilities.