#1
I will eventually go, but I felt like posting. I can't promise C4C but if my heart feels in it then I might. Comment for comment anyways.


It's Time

Widening eyes and yawning, blinks,
steps cold foot to floor, slow,
hands drop to rumpled sheet and fold,
all effort for effortless look, smooth,
move on and lazily flap in frosty waters,
like a knife at the neck hair stands,
dries, falls fat on a wrinkled forehead;

worrying, pit of sick-bag pulsing,
clock watching morning flying
out the window to a heavy air
and the drying rasp of a twisted tongue.
#2
i don't know where you're going Jamie, but you've aspired to be one of my favorite writers on this site.
you take it easy man, and keep writing.
i'd love to read you in the future.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
Where are you going? You can't leave me! What will I do without you? Anyways onto the crit. The biggest complaint I have with this piece is the flow. It just seemed kind of blocky to me. (If that makes any sense). Anyhow, I think to can be fixed by get ridding of a few words and deleting some punctuations. For examples I think the commas after "yawning" and "look" are unneccessary. Also, I would get rid of the words "worry" in the first line of the second stanza. And I wish this piece was longer. I mean I enjoyed it, but I felt that you could flesh it out more. Anyways, wherever you go, you'll be in my heart.

Crit mine please
Teethmarks