#1
This is one of the first set of lyrics that I've ever written. I'd like you to critique them please. It's an acoustic piece called "Murder for a Jar of Red Rum". The title of the song is a palendrome, as are some verses included in the song to continue that theme (just to clear up some lines that may seem confusing). It's a song loosely based on an alcoholic.

A violent yell forced a door slam
And I won't be told anymore
May a moody baby doom a yam
Or would the murder set the pace on the floor?
Do you think he sees me for who I am
Or that God saw I was a dog?
Would you even give a damn
For when the markers set do geese see God?

Just sing, sing this away
And let old Sally sway
The finale's just minutes away
He wont leave without his pay

He holds a fear of being hung
But does that stop his cause?
He'd murder for a jar of red rum
So he'll forget all that he's lost
If time favors him could it all
Just start back at the start?
If we all have to repent
Will it be worth the cost?

So just sing, sing this away
And let old Sally sway
The finale's just moments away
He wont leave without his pay

Hes left the room a mess
He didnt even give it his best
You'll be a martyr for even less
But he wont leave without his pay
Hes left glass shattered upon the floor
He wont be told anymore
The problems walked right in the door
Now what does he have to say?

So just sing, sing this away
And let old Sally sway
The finale's upon us today
And he left without his pay
#3
Quote by dsanch3z77
This is one of the first set of lyrics that I've ever written. I'd like you to critique them please. It's an acoustic piece called "Murder for a Jar of Red Rum". The title of the song is a palendrome, as are some verses included in the song to continue that theme (just to clear up some lines that may seem confusing). It's a song loosely based on an alcoholic.

A violent yell forced a door slam
And I won't be told anymore
Be told what anymore? Told off? I have no idea here.
May a moody baby doom a yam
Or would the murder set the pace on the floor?
I really like these two lines
Do you think he sees me for who I am
Or that God saw I was a dog?
Would you even give a damn
For when the markers set do geese see God?

Just sing, sing this away
And let old Sally sway
The finale's just minutes away
He wont leave without his pay
I like this chorus, it seems like a great point for everyone listening to start singing along.

He holds a fear of being hung
But does that stop his cause?
He'd murder for a jar of red rum
Good descriptions of the characters priorities and feelings here.
So he'll forget all that he's lost
If time favors him could it all
Just start back at the start?
If we all have to repent
Will it be worth the cost?
I don't think you should ask two questions right after each other here.

So just sing, sing this away
And let old Sally sway
The finale's just moments away
He wont leave without his pay

Hes left the room a mess
He didnt even give it his best
Not a fan of this line. Seems like a bad attempt at throwing in a rhyme to me.
You'll be a martyr for even less
But he wont leave without his pay
Hes left glass shattered upon the floor
He wont be told anymore
The problems walked right in the door
Now what does he have to say?
The last two lines to this section were the best by far.

So just sing, sing this away
And let old Sally sway
The finale's upon us today
And he left without his pay


I love this, it seems to have a great flow. Let me know if you record it and put it up anywhere. Just could use a little polishing. Please crit one of mine below, the lowest down are the newest.