#1
There are days that just smell slightly different;
you wake up and something's shifted in the air.
Though you know it’s not heat, nor the beat of your heart
or the sounds from the street down below,
you just know.
Clever boy, you can sense the intense tension in the wind,
the gentle changes in the angle of the rain coming down;
undeniably obvious and visible to all, it grows heavy and fast,
yet the last person to grasp it,
is her.
This is not a pipe
#2
this has a very comfortable pace.

i think it could benefit from an extended pause
if you left a blank line before Clever boy,

sense / intense / tension might be a bit too much.
it all depends on how salty you like your soup.
it could easily stand on just
sense the tension
sense tension
or
sense the intensity

additionally, you could break out
the first three words of S1 and the first two of S2
into their own lines.

there's enough here to stir the senses,
but leave the underlying meaning
open to the reader's interpretation.

btw, the title made me run for a dictionary.
thanks.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
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#3
I really like it a lot. I wouldn't change anything. It was refreshing to read.
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#4
Quote by scream_it
I really like it a lot. I wouldn't change anything. It was refreshing to read.


I feel exactly the same. Sorry that this isn't really much of a reply, but I wanted to point out that I enjoyed it quite a bit. Very true and well written.
#5
Quote by carmel_l
There are days that just smell slightly different;
you wake up and something's shifted in the air.
Though you know it’s not heat, nor the beat of your heart
or the sounds from the street down below,
you just know.
Clever boy, you can sense the intense tension in the wind,
This is the only line I would change. Obvious reasons.
the gentle changes in the angle of the rain coming down;
undeniably obvious and visible to all, it grows heavy and fast,
yet the last person to grasp it,
is her.
I really like the ending here. Throws in a twist and a sense of mystery. Feels like an intro to a concept album.


I like it. Like I said, it builds towards the end, and then drops off without the climax. But I really like it that way. Its fresh.
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#6
this was really interesting. short, evocative, and excellently written. the only criticism i really have is the same one already discussed -- "the intense tension" just strikes me as a bit much. i really liked the smell idea as well, it was different and worked really well. i also loved the ambiguity of it all, it fit the piece perfectly. you described the scene vividly but left it very open to interpretation. the flow was also top notch; the rhyme sheme complemented the piece perfectly.
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#7
I love it, unbelievable, it sits with me so well. I related so well to it, to a problem with me and my bestfriend, we've now become so far apart, all because she never grasped what I was saying to her, and how I felt. oddly enough, I enjoyed the "The intense tension," but that kinda **** floats my boat. =) Anything else you have written, I will be one of the first in line to read =)

Also, if anyone could check the poetry in my sig, I think there's only one at the moment "Knife Edge Living - Part One - The Things I Could Never Trust You With," Thank you kindly. =)
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#8
I enjoyed this piece. I had a hard time identifying the rhythm. Is it poem? I guess I've been writing myself for the majority of the evening so maybe I'm just not seeing the obvious. The first two lines are my favorite along with the "Clever boy" line. Well-written piece, friend. Hope to see more.
#9
Very well done. You were able to get so much into a very small space. A delight to read. Saying the words, physically saying them, is a joy.

BUT! I have to say that I really didn't like the end. The last two lines, particularly, the "her" part. I hear a lot of people recite/write stuff that uses this "her." I find it to be a bit cliché. ("All I can think of is her!" "I want to be with her!"). And it leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth, which is a shame because I really liked the rest of it. Even the sense the intense tension part.

And it is sort of silly for me to say all that because in the piece I just posted, I didn't give the character a name. He is only "he" "him" "his."
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=904209

Also, thank you thank you thank you! Anosmic. I had been longing to know that word for forever and yesterday!

"Sightless is to blind as smell-less is to _______!!?!??!?!?!?!"
#10
I liked this so much .
The bit 'grows heavy and fast' slipped me. Just flowed better without it.
'You just know' could do with a semi-colon before it if you don't think it's too much. The pause just wasn't enough for me, especially with using colons on most lines it loosens the effect of the pause.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
There are days that just smell slightly different;
I don't like the word slightly, and paired with just it's too wishy-washy for the strong opening you could have here.
you wake up and something's shifted in the air.
Though you know it’s not heat, nor the beat of your heart
or the sounds from the street down below,
you just know.
Clever boy, you can sense the intense tension in the wind,
the gentle changes in the angle of the rain coming down;
Nice contrast between gentle and intense, and I love the imagery this line produces.
undeniably obvious and visible to all, it grows heavy and fast,
yet the last person to grasp it,
is her.

As usual I really enjoyed this, ignoring a few words that broke the flow a bit. I'm not sure exactly what to suggest about the first line, but I feel there should be some strong adjective in front of days and that slightly should be omitted.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
Scrap what I said before about emission. It works damned well.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
"Though you know it’s not heat, nor the beat of your heart
or the sounds from the street down below,
you just know."

This is very awkward to me. As stated before, the "sense, intense", etc... is also a bit eh. On the whole, though, it's a good work. It would be nice if the conceit were something a bit more original, but, hey... there's a reason it's a popular idea. C4C?

Edit: "Undeniably" is also rather unbalanced. Think hard on the number of syllables needed for that line, and see if you can put each one to use.
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#16
Thanks for all the input and opinions guys, it means a lot. I'll be returning critiques today, so if there's anything specific you want me to look at just PM me or catch me on msn.
This is not a pipe
#17
I was going to tell you some other way but I ran into some various troubles so I will tell you here that I absolutely adored this. It was great great. I would get rid of "to all" in line 8 just for the sake of flow (up to you though). Only thing though.

I loved it.

#18
First of all, I must say I liked the piece very much. And, therefore my criticisms will be few and small.

I agree with SomeoneYouKnew that the piece would certainly benefit from an extended pause. If you add a pause, then for the sake of symmetry I would change the first line to something like the "sense the intense tension " thingy. Because, I actually like that part. I like it so much, I'd perhaps even put a comma somewhere in there somewhere.

Well, Not much more to say,
not at the moment anyway
#20
*waves a fond farwell to carmel's thread*

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.