#1
This has some differences and similarities with my other pieces. The main difference is the lack of punctuation, which was a main factor on my other pieces, the similarity: the same old inconsistent flow. Hope you like it ! C4C, if you leave link.

Now it’s the part where I jump on top
I’m making the noise whether you like it or not
You’ll be treated with proper inferiority
‘Cause it was proved by facts that the truth-holder is me
So face the facts, the truth, call it what you wish
You can dump me, but believe me
I will leave a scar that will cause too much itch

And so you scratch and slash ‘til the rip-off of your skin
The day when you used to win is so two thousand and five
And it cuts like a knife to witness years left marks
Sorry about the cliché you may tear that line apart

And you can hit me like the critics bash Ben Affleck
With a hand on my back I clap for an applause
And if I fight for a cause I’ll unite the world population
And your repulse will be seen as a failure new sensation
A one week fashion outdated by vintage revival
The past was always your rival and the future a “to-be-seen”
Your answer capacity always left too much to desire
And your love is something I depend but don’t require

Like a cigarette after exotic sex
To look like Humphrey Bogart but a more-or-less mess
I don’t wish for success, just a mere recognition
And don’t shove me that crap that life is not a competition

Those words came like a wake up call while you were on top
And they sounded so glorious to a deep Blitzkrieg Bop
An unmelodic hymn that sounded like a desperate scream
For salvation that came from the inside of me
I was speechless but it deafened ears like rhino stampedes
And at the start it was just “Get me the hell out of here!”

Sorry about the cliché, you may tear this song apart
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jul 7, 2008,
#2
Quote by seventh_angel

Now it’s the part where I jump on top
I’m making the noise whether you like it or not
You’ll be treated with proper inferiority
‘Cause it was proved by facts that the truth-holder is me
So face the facts, the truth, call it what you wish
I'm not completely sure if I like the repetition of the word 'truth' here.
You can dump me, but believe me
I will leave a scar that will cause too much itch

And so you scratch and slash ‘til the rip-off of your skin
The day when you used to win is so two thousand and five
I did like this section a lot. It seems a little wordy, but I'm sure it works out
And it cuts like a knife to see the years left marks
Sorry about the cliché you may tear that line apart

And you can hit me like the critics bash Ben Affleck
With a hand on my back I clap for an applause
And if I fight for a cause I’ll unite the world population
And your repulse will be seen as a failure new sensation
A one week fashion outdated by vintage revival
The past was always your rival and the future a “to-be-seen”
Your answer capacity always left too much to desire
And your love is something I depend but don’t require
This whole section reminded me a little bit of your last work, referencing some pop phrases and including a lot of interesting wording. That said, I am a fan.

Like a cigarette after exotic sex
To look like Humphrey Bogart but a more-or-less mess
I don’t wish for success, just a mere recognition
And don’t shove me that crap that life is not a competition
This section didn't seem all too important or necessary, but I liked the line "more-or-less mess"

Those words came like a wake up call while you were on top
Nice parallelism back to the beginning
And they sounded so glorious to a deep Blitzkrieg Bop
An unmelodic hymn that sounded like a desperate scream
For salvation that came from the inside of me
I was speechless but it deafened ears like rhino stampedes
And at the start it was just “Get me the hell out of here!”

Sorry about the cliché, you may tear that line apart
Loved the repetition of this! Maybe change it from tearing the line apart to tearing the song apart, or tearing the words apart for more finality.


Overall, a strong piece, but there is still a bit of work for you to do with it.
#4
Quote by seventh_angel
This has some differences and similarities with my other pieces. The main difference is the lack of punctuation, which was a main factor on my other pieces, the similarity: the same old inconsistent flow. Hope you like it ! C4C, if you leave link.

Now it’s the part where I jump on top
I’m making the noise whether you like it or not
Very weird opening, but I've come to realise that is your key, or one of them anyway!
You’ll be treated with proper inferiority
‘Cause it was proved by facts that the truth-holder is me
So face the facts, the truth, call it what you wish
"Facts" doesn't need to be repeated.
You can dump me, but believe me
I will leave a scar that will cause too much itch
Great line.

And so you scratch and slash ‘til the rip-off of your skin
The day when you used to win is so two thousand and five
This is very wordy as already mentioned, but I also enjoyed it. It took a few reads though.
And it cuts like a knife to witness years left marks
Similes are best left simple; therefore - I like.
Sorry about the cliché you may tear that line apart

And you can hit me like the critics bash Ben Affleck
Is this part of the song or what?
With a hand on my back I clap for an applause
'Shnice.
And if I fight for a cause I’ll unite the world population
This line just doesn't work in my eyes.
And your repulse will be seen as a failure new sensation
Doesn't make sense to me.
A one week fashion outdated by vintage revival
Cohesive use of unpopular words and imagery.
The past was always your rival and the future a “to-be-seen”
Lovely rhyme. This is common throughout this piece.
Your answer capacity always left too much to desire
And your love is something I depend but don’t require

Like a cigarette after exotic sex
To look like Humphrey Bogart but a more-or-less mess
I don’t wish for success, just a mere recognition
And don’t shove me that crap that life is not a competition
I feel that this adds very much a different viewpoint and stamina to the song. I disagree that its needless or doesn't add anything, if thats what you were referring to, Skaliveson?

Those words came like a wake up call while you were on top
Once again, simple similes.
And they sounded so glorious to a deep Blitzkrieg Bop
An unmelodic hymn that sounded like a desperate scream
For salvation that came from the inside of me
I was speechless but it deafened ears like rhino stampedes
And at the start it was just “Get me the hell out of here!”
Everything up until the last line was a treat.

Sorry about the cliché, you may tear this song apart


Sorry I didn't really tear this song apart, I'm not the most 'technically accomplished' at doing that!

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