#1
Exhausted.
Body unharmed by fatigue
but through the victim mind.
Rewind and define
interest.
Embellished words fall short of expectations,
and hobbied pastimes;
just wasted attentions.
Even this detention feels unworthy of mention.

Alive.
A water-ballooning scenario,
brimless yet capacitated.
Fascinated over the underrated,
with the happiest thoughts aloud so others can hear.
Just saying "Goodbye" becomes a beautiful digression,
a strange occurrence in the undercurrents of expression.

Compromise.
An expected surprise coming once,
twice a week.
Seek through sleep a renewal of normalcy.
A controlled desire;
not enough to run
but enough to jog.
And if this smog seems to clog the air in my head
it's because all these emotions sound better unsaid.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#2
Quote by Billyjson
Exhausted.
Body unharmed by fatigue
but through the victim mind.
Rewind and define
interest.
Embellished words fall short of expectations,
and hobbied pastimes;
just wasted attentions.
Even this detention feels unworthy of mention.

The first two lines throw me off really bad. I can tell there is intentional inconsistancies, but is this included?

Alive.
A water-ballooning scenario,
brimless yet capacitated.
Fascinated over the underrated,
with the happiest thoughts aloud so others can hear.
Just saying "Goodbye" becomes a beautiful digression,
a strange occurrence in the undercurrents of expression.

Damn, awesome word choice! I love flow of this stanza, and the last two lines are intense.

Compromise.
An expected surprise coming once,
twice a week.
Seek through sleep a renewal of normalcy.
A controlled desire;
not enough to run
but enough to jog.
And if this smog seems to clog the air in my head
it's because all these emotions sound better unsaid.


Man, I'm digging this. Probably the best piece I've read all day, or perhaps all week. What genre are you planning on putting this too? I have stuff formulating in my head already, haha. Would love to hear this laid down.

Link is in my sig, mate!
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#3
I like this a lot.. I don't really think anything should be changed.

The last two lines are my favorite!
#4
Not feelin this one, Jake.
usually i feel as if you're writing the thoughts in my head
but with a different voice.
this one is foreign.
dunno how to help here.
i'll just give you my take on it, as i go.



Exhausted.
you announce each of these three moods in the beginning.
stylish, in a way. but does it help or harm the piece?

Body unharmed by fatigue
but through the victim mind.
this is odd in that the second line contradicts the announcement
and the third apparently contradicts the second .

Rewind and define
interest.
i like having interest separated from the previous
for the enjoyment of the sonics when the interact.
in terms of meaning, the separation is jarring and unpleasant.

Embellished words fall short of expectations,
and hobbied pastimes;
this line felt cobbled.
just wasted attentions.
Even this detention feels unworthy of mention.

Alive.
A water-ballooning scenario,
brimless yet capacitated.
i haven't seen capacitated used successfully as a word.
this was amusing, though.

Fascinated over the underrated,
i would have thought by rather than over the.
but i'm not entirely sure what you're on about.

with the happiest thoughts aloud so others can hear.
Just saying "Goodbye" becomes a beautiful digression,
a strange occurrence in the undercurrents of expression.

Compromise.
An expected surprise coming once,
twice a week.
Seek through sleep a renewal of normalcy.
A controlled desire;
not enough to run
but enough to jog.
And if this smog seems to clog the air in my head
it's because all these emotions sound better unsaid.
this, like the previous stanzas, ends on a lovely note.
i just couldn't tune in to the build ups.
the internal/external rhymes near the close of each work well.
Meadows
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#5
I. Follow. SYK.
Feeling bloody terrible for doing what you knew I would.
And adding that I don't think going from the word 'here' to the rhyming couplet of 'digression' and 'expression' works at all, because the sounds are just so different.

Thanks for the crit... well... comment, though nitpicking would be nice.
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Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 9, 2008,
#6
Don't feel bad Dig! I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't get the #1 Combo every time (yes, you guys are my big mac). I'll hit your piece up again after work and nitpick the hell out of it

SYK - This was foreign to me as well. I was in one of those rare and unpleasant 'everything is boring' moods - I didn't even want to pick up my guitar. So I decided to write instead of making an effort to do anything active and, as you can see, the result was something out of the ordinary for me. I was too tired to chose words more carefully so it came out more haphazardly. It was pretty fun, though I probably won't be doing it with frequency.

Jennifer - Thank you.

Ninja - Thanks, I can see why the first lines might be confusing - try reading but as except and it might make more sense (I'll try to figure out how to make that accessible and nice sounding). And it's a poem but it'd probably end up being soft acoustic rock if I converted it to a song.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 9, 2008,
#7
Quote by Billyjson
Exhausted.
Body unharmed by fatigue
but through the victim mind.
I'm not entirely keen on this opening. It didn't personally grasp me and neither did it wow me.
Rewind and define
interest.
This feels very Radiohead'ish. Thats a compliment.
Embellished words fall short of expectations,
and hobbied pastimes;
Didn't feel this line break quite worked succesfully, although I do understand what you are trying to accomplish.
just wasted attentions.
Even this detention feels unworthy of mention.
I enjoyed the rhyme, it was very engaging.

Alive.
A water-ballooning scenario,
Cool!
brimless yet capacitated.
Fascinated over the underrated,
This flows really well except the ending word, "underrated" stlightly ruins it.
with the happiest thoughts aloud so others can hear.
This feels a little forced. You might be able to rearrange it and make it way better.
Just saying "Goodbye" becomes a beautiful digression,
a strange occurrence in the undercurrents of expression.
Awesome. Can't fault this mate.

Compromise.
An expected surprise coming once,
twice a week.
Starts great but the "coming once, twice a week" doesn't add anything in a way of expression and interest, although it does blend a certain continuation and obscure reasoning into it.
Seek through sleep a renewal of normalcy.
A controlled desire;
not enough to run
but enough to jog.
And if this smog seems to clog the air in my head
it's because all these emotions sound better unsaid.
This is the best part. Six lines of quality coolness!



I did enjoy this certainly, but its not as refined as your other stuff. But then again, you did mention that it was very 'on-the-spot', so I forgive you!
Corrections - maybe you need them, maybe it will be perfectly fine without it. If it was to be left as an odd branch from your standard policy then it could be comfortably left as it is.
Hope I helped.

Digitally Clean