#1
c4c

Tell me how I got here,
Am I runnin' away,
Simply put, I'm a victim to hope,
Everytime I see your face
I'm hopin' you might see me,
I'm hopin' things might change,
But we both know, things aren't the same,

Chorus:
And I ask Heaven, to look after you,
You may not remember, but I sure do...
I sat by you, when you had the flu,
I spelled 'get well' in the pool of your soup


Winter night, walkin', we don't have cars,
Your eyes match the sky, cos I just see stars
My lips chapped, but we still kissed,
Too much to do, so we made a list,
Dance in the rain, in the middle of the street,
We'd write each letters, for the other to keep.


Chorus

My heart won't break, but it sure bends,
You took it, and left it with dents,
Forever echos, with lies at the end,
I try to forget but my thoughts are tied to the pen
I've worn out romantic cliches, like vintage jeans,
Re-lived that life in the re-runs of my dreams
'cause when it comes to my voice, you're deaf in the ear.
And when it comes to yours, you're all I hear.
Last edited by Shawnstoppable at Jul 8, 2008,
#2
that was actually really good. i thought the "flu" line in the chorus was kinda cheesy, but coupled with the awesome line that follows it kinda negates that crit. you can tell by reading it though it's from the heart.

i'm also not a fan of " hopin' " and such. i think that kind of language, when not being in a quote, is too colloquial and ruins the flow. not a big deal though and also just kind of a personal pet peeve. i'm sure i've even done it in my songs too.
#DTWD
#3
It was a good song. Nice flow, and good rhyming. I agree with the above observation of cheesiness, however, on the flu line. Even the soup part too. It sort of takes it out of the moment for me. At the end of the 3rd section, should it say "each other"? The "dents" part didn't work for me.

The whole thing was sweet though. A nice, sweet song, in a back-to-basics good way. Loved the re-runs of my dreams line.
#4
Quote by Shawnstoppable
c4c

C4C? Okay then, done deal flower =)

Tell me how I got here,
Am I runnin' away,
Simply put, I'm a victim to hope,
Everytime I see your face
I'm hopin' you might see me,
I'm hopin' things might change,
But we both know, things aren't the same,

Before I start based on how I read it first time around, I'm gonna say that these are lyrics? I mean as opposed to poetry? I must ask if you wrote music and then wrote these lyrics to it? Anyways, enough question, let's crit =) lol. This flows very quickly, which is good, it seems to give the verse tension, and a feeling of it's going somewhere very quickly, or, and I think this one fits better, that it's come from somewhere very quickly. A bit of a pet hate of mine to have -in' instead of ing, it seems rather improper. If you changed that, then I'll be a very happy chappy =)

Chorus:
And I ask Heaven, to look after you,
You may not remember, but I sure do...
I sat by you, when you had the flu,
I spelled 'get well' in the pool of your soup

Okay, this seems cliche, starts of f**king brilliently. Change the first line to past tense. Get rid of the sure, in "I sure do..." in the second, and change the heavily cliched 3rd and 4th linef for something like, don't shout at me if you think I'm worse, or if the soup is a very important part of the song, but change thos lines to somehting like "I sat by you, and all I could do," "Was hope that I wouldn't lose you." then the rhyme sceme also goes you, do, do, you. But my ramble, take it or leave it.

Winter night, walkin', we don't have cars,
Your eyes match the sky, cos I just see stars
My lips chapped, but we still kissed,
Too much to do, so we made a list,
Dance in the rain, in the middle of the street,
We'd write each letters, for the other to keep.

Again, I like this, small things, the -in' thing, and cos instead of because is another personal thing of mine that I don't like. "My lips chapped" seems to clear written for my liking, like saying you're bleeding from the wrists, you're saying too much, I'm not sure what else you could say instead though. Otherwise, very enjoyable verse.

Chorus

My heart won't break, but it sure bends,
You took it, and left it with dents,
Forever echos, with lies at the end,
I try to forget but my thoughts are tied to the pen
I've worn out romantic cliches, like vintage jeans,
Re-lived that life in the re-runs of my dreams
'cause when it comes to my voice, you're deaf in the ear.
And when it comes to yours, you're all I hear.

Get rid of the sure in "But it sure bends" It makes it sound like a country song. "Deaf to me" instead of "Deaf in the ear" otherwise, this verse gets me very hard, I f**king love it. Absolutly f**king love it. Well done =)


If anyone could have a look at the poem in my sig, I think I only have one at the moment, "Knife Edge Living - Part One - The Things I Could Never Trust You With." If you could have a look, C4C guys! Thank you =)
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#5
Quote by Shawnstoppable
c4c

Tell me how I got here,
Am I runnin' away,
Simply put, I'm a victim to hope,
Everytime I see your face
I'm hopin' you might see me,
I'm hopin' things might change,
But we both know, things aren't the same,
i didn't like the way you said hopin' the full word could match and work much better

Chorus:
And I ask Heaven, to look after you,
You may not remember, but I sure do...
I sat by you, when you had the flu,
I spelled 'get well' in the pool of your soup
the last 2 lines were very cliched


Winter night, walkin', we don't have cars,
Your eyes match the sky, cos I just see stars
My lips chapped, but we still kissed,
Too much to do, so we made a list,
Dance in the rain, in the middle of the street,
We'd write each letters, for the other to keep.
I can't find problems here...

Chorus

My heart won't break, but it sure bends,
You took it, and left it with dents,
Forever echos, with lies at the end,
I try to forget but my thoughts are tied to the pen
I've worn out romantic cliches, like vintage jeans,
Re-lived that life in the re-runs of my dreams
'cause when it comes to my voice, you're deaf in the ear.
And when it comes to yours, you're all I hear.
i agree with one of the posters above me abou the bending part. i like the vintage jeans line.


But the poem had amazing flow( i didn't want to writ that after every stanza to save space)

good piece man, i really liked it.


If you ever have time can you crit one of mine? (it in my sig)
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#7
Quote by Shawnstoppable
c4c

Tell me how I got here,
Am I runnin' away,
Simply put, I'm a victim to hope,
Everytime I see your face
I'm hopin' you might see me,
I'm hopin' things might change,
But we both know, things aren't the same,

I don't like the -in' thing at the end of every word.. it kinda just ruins it. I think you should take "Im hoping you see me" out, and just leave "im hoping things might change"

Chorus:
And I ask Heaven, to look after you,
You may not remember, but I sure do...
I sat by you, when you had the flu,
I spelled 'get well' in the pool of your soup


Except for the first line, this doesn't sound like a chorus to me... more like a bridge.

Winter night, walkin', we don't have cars,
Your eyes match the sky, cos I just see stars
My lips chapped, but we still kissed,
Too much to do, so we made a list,
Dance in the rain, in the middle of the street,
We'd write each letters, for the other to keep.

The first two lines are good. Dance in the rain, in the middle of the street" -- I think this line should be changed. It kinda reminds me of that 'dancing in the street' song by the girl group... cant be bothered with their name. It also just sounds overused.

Chorus

My heart won't break, but it sure bends,
You took it, and left it with dents,
Forever echos, with lies at the end,
I try to forget but my thoughts are tied to the pen
I've worn out romantic cliches, like vintage jeans,
Re-lived that life in the re-runs of my dreams
'cause when it comes to my voice, you're deaf in the ear.
And when it comes to yours, you're all I hear.



this is alright.. last two lines are my fave.