#2
vague to the extent that it just falls short of the mark. the word choice and choppy flow is insanely beautiful, certainly drew me in, but this just felt empty when the end inevitably arrived. first two lines conjure up a fairly standard picture of this lover whose life seems a little cheapened since 'she' left. so the guy mimics the hollow colours, acting unaffected and later noting what appears horrifically obvious (that he is, indeed, affected). Kind of conveys a self-appreciation that is strangely attractive to the reader, I must admit. Allows me to sympathise with the narrator a little. OK, so now the narrators reminiscing, what appears to be a metonym (the mention of paper bags) brings me back, in terms of imagery, to school times? ... the events he's speaking of seem a little too cryptic to really appreciate. The second stanza has, again, a beautifully inviting... almost, bumpy rhythmic flow to it which is wonderful, but the words just seem detached. I'm sure that isn't the case, but what's being conveyed simply means very little to me. The image of shadows is already disgustingly overused, as is the sudden arrival of death as an idea to conclude a piece.

i guess the success of this as a poem really depends on your intentions as the writer? if this was written ultimately as a personal piece that works in an autobiographical sense for you, personally, then it is beyond criticism. otherwise, it just appears a little too cryptic near the end for anyone to really pull anything out of. the beauty of the summary almost hits the mark, but there's no other redeeming feature - no didactics, no humour, nothing but beautiful words. and sometimes beauty isn't enough.

i read you as much as i can and almost always adore - i thought i'd offer a few words. finally. if i've not helped in the slightest, not to worry.
#3
I really like it. Except I don't.

As Skag says, its very cryptic and therefore arduous, even though, at the heart of it, you can feel a sense of relation, but in a undetectable collision between persons kind of way, ie between me, the reader and you, the writer.
Your word uses are wonderful and it flows nicely, but it just doesn't feel human, even though you use such common terms and affectionate, deep and dark imagery, it still contains an 'otherwordly' lack of clarity.

Digitally Clean
#4
i think it is a pretty simple observation on what occurs in my thought process when contemplating some kind of apocalyptic event. i guess that can be seen as abstract and i probably shouldn't need to give away the meaning.. but, just for kicks.

thanks tho' for you two actually taking to time to comment on it. if you have pieces you want me to look at i'll do the same.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Jul 9, 2008,
#5
i get pissed at you quite often, because just when i want to keep reading; i reach the end.
...
i'm pissed.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.