#1
White sleeker jacket. A slight parka
Turns to a pale acid.
A gravedigger,
Old and weary,
Digs the contents of my brain.

"Do you feel dirty all the time?"
Not psychologically I guess.

I hold the eraser in my hand.
It cannot make this parka lighter
than what it already is.
Much, much lesser
Than what it already is.

I left the white parka
At someone's house.
It laid itself
All comfortable on the couch.

For someone to wear,
And dance around in joy,
While inside its silver fur lining
And shadow grey trim.
Cut to fit the newlywed owner.
Out with the old, in with the new.

I swear I never missed it, nor the feeling
Of being-

The lace was of a different color.
"A gimmick?"
I think not.
The white parka was of a pale acid.


----------------------------------------------------
Thanks for the comments, they were really helpful
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Jul 10, 2008,
#2
Not much to say, I don't think, other than remove the ' in parkinsons.
And maybe have a definition of a parka at the beginning. Confused the hell out of me the first time I read it!
Sorry that this is a lame excuse for a crit. If I see anything else of yours I'll get round to it, or maybe I'll come back here to say more.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I liked the content of this piece and how you never strayed from the theme. However, I think some punctuation would greatly benefit this piece. Also I'm not a big fan of single words taking up a whole line. To me it doesn't really add emphasis, it juust trips up the flow. Also the "all comfortable" line felt unneccessary and kind of tacked on. Anyways, sorry that this isn't much of a crit, but I really think the only thing reallly "wrong" with this piece is the lack of punctuation.
#4
Quote by Laces Out Danny
White sleeker jacket. A slight parka
Shake like parkinson's
Not a fan of this line. Not sure why it's here except to play on "parka" and "parkinson's", and this is not a worthy reason.

me
Not sure about this at all. "me/Turns to a pale acid?"I'm not sure if you're trying to create a confused mood or what, but remember that it's no good to do strange things simply for the sake of doing them. Make sure that, if you're going to make life hard for your reader, it has a point.

Turns to a pale acid
A gravedigger
Old and weary
Digs the contents of my brain
Good, good.

How often does this-
"Do you feel dirty all the time?"
Not psycholigically I guess
A bit confusing. The first line is... eh.

I hold the eraser in my hand
It cannot make this parka lighter
than what it already is
Much, much less
Because it already is
Consider punctuation throughout the entirety of the piece. It would really help your readers.

I left the white parka
At someone's house
It laid itself on the couch
All comfortable

For someone to wear
And dance around in joy
While inside its silver fur lining
And shadow grey arienettes
Trimmed to fit the (new) owner
Out with the old, in with the new
Good, good.

That girl
wore the parka
everyday
I swear I never missed it, nor the feeling
There's always a girl, isn't there?

Of being-

The lace was of a different color
"A gimmick?" I think
not
The white parka was of a pale acid


Not sure I came away with any real sense of what we were aiming at here. At times it is strong, at times it is a bit "angsty", and not in the flattering way. And why the girl at the end? Develop or remove that idea.
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