#1
According to what you said, I was trying too little
Well, I can see how that can be
Cause not the least bit of this at all
Is making me happy.

And I seem to be fading to the shadows of my life from
So many years ago.
And how can I keep on going if I'm slipping,
Though I'm trying to hold on...

chorus-
And this is what brings me to my knees at night
Praying that I will win this fight
And in all this time of sympathy,
I wish I just had paid more attention to me.

According to what you said, I wasn't trying very hard
But that could be because you never made me smile
And what I see ahead is the brightest light
So I refuse to turn around tonight...

Caught in between the wrong and right
Places will drive you insane
Though you try to feel your way out with your heart
You just know that it causes you pain

chorus

Life is going around in circles
But I can't get it down right...
And time is going by so quickly
And I don't feel nothing tonight

verse3

chorus
x2

verse1
#2
According to what you said, I was trying too little
This is too much like common speak, I would like to see
it as According to you I was trying too little. I
Well, I can see how that can be
Cause not the least bit of this at all
at all isn't necessary here, they're just
extra syllables serving no real purpose.

Is making me happy.

I say this to everyone who does this because
it always distracts me when I'm reading their pieces;
you don't need to capitalize every line, just the ones
that matter, or if you're following conventional sentence
structure than at the beginning of a new one.


And I seem to be fading to the shadows of my life from
This is good but the line break throws me. from
should really be in the next line.

So many years ago.
And how can I keep on going if I'm slipping,
Though I'm trying to hold on...

That's a very clichéd image, I'm sure that there is
some other wording that could express the same feeling.



chorus-
And this is what brings me to my knees at night
Praying that I will win this fight
And in all this time of sympathy,
I wish I just had paid more attention to me.

So far I've enjoyed the chorus the most. There's some
nice imagery and some vague emotion in the rest but you
really use words to your advantage here, and it conveys
what you're feeling splendidly.



According to what you said, I wasn't trying very hard
But that could be because you never made me smile
And what I see ahead is the brightest light
So I refuse to turn around tonight...

Caught in between the wrong and right
Places will drive you insane
Though you try to feel your way out with your heart
You just know that it causes you pain

Sudden lack of punctuation is confusing.

chorus

Life is going around in circles
But I can't get it down right...
Seems like you mean and not but.
And time is going by so quickly
And I don't feel nothing tonight

I don't feel nothing is just an ugly combination
of words, and tonight was already used in a rhyme.
I would completely change the last line, perhaps to
change the second line too so you don't have to force
that rhyme (or change the rhyme pattern up).


verse3

chorus
x2

verse1


I hate coming across so negatively, but the most I can say is that it's a start. I would work on the rhymes, make them less obvious; the best rhyme is one that seems unintended.

If you wouldn't mind taking a minute to trash on my piece it would be much appreciated:

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=904035
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
Thanks a lot. I actually was debating "what you said" and simply just saying "you" so thanks for making up my mind for me lol. and you are right.."from" should be on the second line...having trouble getting rid of the 'at all' with the way i sing it. also, i will work on the bridge, thanks.. anyway, thanks for the crit i appreciate it..
Last edited by JenniferKelly at Jul 8, 2008,