#1
this is not part two.



i wanted to paint a picture
of the poorest parts of england
wanted east end boys
and west end girls
wanted knife crime
wanted too many victims.
i sucked at my beer and picked up a paintbrush
strokes on canvas
i'm really quite good at this
started out grey but i
ended up blue.

and then somewhere along the line
i started dreaming hollywood dreams
painted bikinis and sunshine
and i was happier with that.





love is a dog from hell.



#2
was that a poem? whatever it was it was pretty good and true nice work.
#3
The flow seems weird when you go from
'victims' to 'beer'
so quickly.

Could do with some punctuation so there's some pauses in the first section.
The last line was off, though it may have been intentional.
The repetition of 'dream' didn't do any good in my mind.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
you're the only writer on this site whose pieces seem complete. this is perfect. it's short but undeniably beautiful, it's religious motivation it's sociological achievement, it's psychological euphoria, it's a drunk man and a pen.

it's ****ing good. hurry up and send me your book.
#5
Quote by DigUpHerBones
The flow seems weird when you go from
'victims' to 'beer'
so quickly.

Could do with some punctuation so there's some pauses in the first section.
The last line was off, though it may have been intentional.
The repetition of 'dream' didn't do any good in my mind.



The period is there to slow it down... ?

and the last line was on baby




love is a dog from hell.



#6
Quote by we have sound

The period is there to slow it down... ?

and the last line was on baby


The last line was good, yes.
Just think that the full stop is not enough to split the first two bits.
Or it didn't look it to me, though everyone else will probably be happy to disagree .

Liked this though, a lot.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
i love to hate to love to hate your work.

EDIT: say something on mine. like, just a one-worder. "fartknocker" for example.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Quote by ottoavist
i love to hate to love to hate your work.

EDIT: say something on mine. like, just a one-worder. "fartknocker" for example.



I have fartknockered yours, buddy. Nice work




love is a dog from hell.



#9
Very nice. The blue font was annoying though. I thought at first it was for effect, but when I saw that you used it in your normal posts, I knew that wasn't true.

It was a great piece though, something I'd definitely re-read later. I'm bookmarking this to come back to just to read. Not much to say, it flows well, in spite of what everyone else thinks.
#10


i wanted to paint a picture
of the poorest parts of england
This sets up a nice, leisurely pace in my mind,
with easy to follow imagery.

wanted east end boys
and west end girls
wanted knife crime
wanted too many victims.
...which in complete destroyed by these four lines.
It becomes unbearably slow here, first due to
wanted east end boys being such a clutter,
then the continuation of wanted. The least I can
say is that punctuation would help.

i sucked at my beer and picked up a paintbrush
strokes on canvas
This is an odd change of perspective, I was
expecting stroked my canvas. This is
another place where punctuation would be helpful.

i'm really quite good at this
started out grey but i
Love the line break there, how it ends on i.
It puts a pleasing emphasis on the next line.

ended up blue.


and then somewhere along the line
i started dreaming hollywood dreams
painted bikinis and sunshine
and i was happier with that.
This picks up where the first two lines left off.
The pace is nice, the imagery is nice, and it's very
easy to follow. I was hoping for more of this.





More than anything else this could do with a good dose of. punctuation. Some parts read easier than others, but the lack of periods and commas just makes many parts unnecessarily slow or confusing. The last stanza reads brilliantly, and I think the rest could as well.

Mind ripping on my piece?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=904035
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 10, 2008,
#11
Jake took care of all the picky bits,
but i'm surprised nobody broke your balls for starting S2 with and.
then connects it well enough on its own.
*slaps Chris with a trout*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#12

When I'm talking I say "and then", who the fuck is anyone to tell me not to write that way too?




love is a dog from hell.



#13
Quote by Chris
When I'm talking I say "and then", who the **** is anyone to tell me not to write that way too?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, whoa, whoaaaa, whoooaaaa, whoa.
Lois, this is not my batman cup.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
Quote by we have sound

When I'm talking I say "and then", who the fuck is anyone to tell me not to write that way too?
that would be me the fuck, Chris.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#15
I really hate that people give you so many Bukowski comparisons when in reality, in my opinion, you're nothing like him. Just because a writer drinks a lot doesn't make him Hank.

But this was very very very Bukowski.
The subtle ending which isn't climactic, but in a way is.

I had no idea where you were going with this,
But I loved where it went.

Sometimes I think you write for me...
Poor advice.
#16
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
that would be me the fuck, Chris.




Then you can me the fuck off




love is a dog from hell.



#17
I liked.

I like the "and then".
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#18
the brevity of the second stanza is perfect. I'm going to start not capitalizing "i", it looks better. I don't really understand why we do it anyway. Reminded a little of Bukowkski I guess as Randy pointed out. You had enough specificity and narrow scope in the first stanza to pull off the contrast with the second. Worked very well.

#19
Quote by we have sound

Then you can me the fuck off
*me the fucks off*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jul 11, 2008,