#1
c4c, undoubtedly.
spoken word, should be read outloud, obviously, but doesn't need it.

A doubtful D withdraws from her vocal chords
as her voice fades out to an off-beat applause
she nods her head, and in silence she stands
then hurries back from the mic with a shaky glance
from the orange peel walls of the room we’re in
to the nodding faces and the audience grins,
hears a comforting voice asking ‘you okay?’
from the friend she’s sitting next to in this veggie café

Then I come on.
Just as scared; maybe more.
I try dredging up some lines from the hoards I’ve got stored
in the back of my mind, I try to ignore, the
choke in my throat.
Ignore.
Ignore.

(Just remember why I came
and to
tell them my name.)


I stand and speak from the script in my mind
reminding myself before forgotten lines
I’m spurring broken facts that don’t really add up
thinking that they’ll probably getthegistofthem
if I tell them fastenough

That last girl’s like me, hoping not to be ignored
as neither of us have spoken words out loud before
so we’re aiming for their hearts
when we spurt our stuttered rhymes
so they might remember our faces
when we speak the next time

But when she rants about babies and feminism
I’m more hippies, Dylan and alcoholism
and where she apologises for being ‘man hating’ and ‘angry’
I came on stage proud for being,
well, a hippie;
not drunk admittedly, but speaking about it;
stuttering my phrases like I was running out of spit.
Quick, this is it; they have to know my point
Beforeee…
the spit runs out and I’m left without a point

Because that script that I was reading from is gone
and the pores on my palms show that it’s all going wrong;
my stuttering has stopped
the rhyme’s withdrawn
I’m thinking ‘we’re not too different’
because, well, erm… she kind of buggered up on this one too.

Luckily I’m also given help in time,
in the form of a friend with a wonderful mind
who can remember
what should be in mine;

So after a minute of panic I get my cue
Speed through the last few lines and end with a ‘thank you’
to this broken room
for hearing broken rhymes;
hell, I got ‘wooed’ on the way off
and it was my first time.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 13, 2008,
#2
Wow, I mean, your stuff just seems to evolve into ever bettering, mind boggling beauty.
This is totally different, once again, to anything else I've seen. You deserve an award for this.
I can't fault it. There's no point in picking at this like a crow, it just doesn't deserve that.
Your word use, your simple and infrequent rhymes, the length, the effortlessly cool way you help us become the person in your story. And yet, it still remains poetic and meaningful, and I find sometimes personality is lost in long stories, but this endures and thrives off it.


Digitally Clean
#3
This is a great piece! I definately agree with the poster above. A vulture can't feed off bones alone. There simply isn't anything to pick at here. We can all relate to the character in some fashion. The character is so real, and personable.
I'm sure there are some hidden gems residing somewhere if you actually read this outloud, but unfortunately, I'm at work, and that would be awkward.
Gears;
Schecter Tempest Custom - Pearl
EMG 81/85
Digitech RP350
UX2 / Audition / Ableton
#5
I've never quite enjoyed run-on sentences so much, but you do a splendifabtastic job with it - and that's saying something (I think?). The first line confused me with the plural/singular contradictions, not sure if I'm missing something or if that's really as messed up as it looks. In the last stanza I believe que is spelled cue. That's all I've got, very nice read.


Now I can't respond in my thread until you follow SYK's comment up, I don't want to break tradition

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=904035
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Thanks for being kind .
I'll get back to all of yours later today.

Anyone care to hate this and nitpick? I really need that.

BJ (hehe): Nah, they were just mistakes I've made! Thanks for pointing them out .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 9, 2008,
#7
blackdotted. i'll edit in a crit.

upon first read: generally liked, but it could do without the desperate attempts of poeticism through mildly irritating repetition and italics that do little but highlight a struggling flow. what's evident both through a reading of you and a reading of your crits, is that you don't leave enough to the reader in terms of flow. you can't force a damn flow onto someone if you're not following a strict form - i mean, you can, of course, but it will never work as well as when you let them find it themselves. it all seems so mechanical. i'll be back.

step 13: remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition.
#8
^ Fairy nuft. I tried to write it like I speak it, as that's what it's meant for. Sorry that that annoyed you. Unfortunately I'm having to hand this in as work in about 20 minutes. Bugger.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
"warmly painted walls" was weak, i thought. reminds me of carol smiley and changing rooms and MDF wood. really not what you were going for, i don't think.

"veggie cafe"?

first stanza read delightfully, though.

ignore ignore was entirely unnecessary.

"myself before forgotten lines" read horrendously awkwardly. i presume that's something you were aware of and struggled with. sadly, several lines seem extremely bland as i'm sure you're aware. the rhymes are doing little justice in places, especially when thinking comparatively - your work is generally of a very high standard.

the end was lovely.

if this is one of your coursework pieces, i really wouldn't worry too much. it's well above what i consider to be an average standard, and documents a clear poetic flair.

this is a far cry from what you could be writing, though.
#11
It was meant to be like MDF, haha, but it was obviously that way in... the wrong way.

It was in a vegetarian cafe .

The 'ignore' repetition is also there to be spoken, to make the beat right for spoken word.

I didn't like the end

Cheers loads for the quick crit, I'll have an editing go over tonight, unfortunate that that's late for the hand in but that's not why I wrote it anyways .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
just because it was in a vegetarian cafe doesn't mean that it makes the piece any better. it reads strangely and makes the centre of interest the fact that this is a vegetarian cafe as opposed to a regular one, which isn't, i don't believe, of any real significance.

i understand the rhythmic intentions behind ignore ignore, but it's so horribly corny.

i thought the end was fine.
#13
Quote by skagitup

"myself before forgotten lines" read horrendously awkwardly. i presume that's something you were aware of and struggled with. sadly, several lines seem extremely bland as i'm sure you're aware. the rhymes are doing little justice in places, especially when thinking comparatively - your work is generally of a very high standard.


Care to elaborate on which rhymes are 'doing little', or do you just think they all are?
Yeah, I was aware of the flow problems with that line but straightened it out in my own mind. Obviously didn't put that in the piece, which will get harder if I get rid of flow 'boundaries'.

Quote by skagitup
just because it was in a vegetarian cafe doesn't mean that it makes the piece any better. it reads strangely and makes the centre of interest the fact that this is a vegetarian cafe as opposed to a regular one, which isn't, i don't believe, of any real significance.

i understand the rhythmic intentions behind ignore ignore, but it's so horribly corny.

i thought the end was fine.


I personally think that the mix of the veggie bit and the 'warmly..' bit adds to the image of the place it's held in; it's like vegetarian MDF wood. It's sickly pretentious. Then again, if that just came across as the words being so and not the room, I was doing something wrong and will try to correct it, I'm just interested in different opinions on this piece.

Cheers for the crit. Some elaboration would be nice if you have the time, but I really do appreciate you writing that up before .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
To be honest, Skag is dead on. This is good... well above average and does show a great grasp of poeticism, story telling, etc etc etc. But at the end of the day, this doesn't do anything except re-tell an amusing anecdote in a way that isn't anything spectacular. You have great potential in you... it just seems to me that you always take on topics that don't allow you to tap into it. Honestly, you're 15, and while I hate to use age as a factor, you may not be ready to do that yet. I love reading your pieces, they have a blatant honesty in them that is refreshing, I can't wait to see you tackle something that can really change the way I view life, it will be a great day when it happens.
#16
Whilst I liked the atmosphere and mood of the piece, I thought the voice was a little off at times. The whole self-labeling seemed to be in contradiction with what the piece tried to convey, but that might just be me. I had a few buggers , such as wrong/gone rhyme. Actually, my major qualm would be the order of your stanzas here. You talk about that other girl, then "here I am" like you're about to talk, but you spend another 2 stanzas comparing you to the other girl. You loose any build-up effect you could have. S2 and S4, maybe, should come later on?

Also, it seemed like you started off with a good AABB (if that makes sense, well, it really was good) stanza and then you just got lazy. I felt like this poem was losing all of it's structure as it read on. I don't think you can say that it followed the atmosphere of the plot to save it, because anxiety was there in the very beginning.

I think you have something that could be very solid here, but you have to polish up your storytelling a bit. you're going in opposite directions and lines clash amongst themselves. Try to give a better flow to your plot with at more thought-out structure?

There were some great lines in there though, and I wouldn't say so if I didn't truly believe it.
Keep writing, I think you're pretty young, you show great potential.
#17
It's a really nice bit of Poetry, I think if you were going to use it as a album, keep it as spoken word. A bit like "Annihilation" by A Perfect Circle or the Intro of Shinedown's "Us and Them Album"
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#20
A doubtful D withdraws from her vocal chords
That makes much more sense.
as her voice fades out to an off-beat applause
she nods her head, and in silence she stands
I think you could really bring out the scene here with some
mystery: nodding her head she stands to meet the silence
or something of the sort.

then hurries back from the mic with a shaky glance
Without a comma after this line it seems like the
walls are glancing at her, not the other way around.

from the warmly painted walls of the room we’re in
warmly doesn't fit the environment you've created,
and also we're in is a rough transition from third to
first person. I would omit of the room we're in altogether,
and change warmly painted to an actual color, such as
from the midnight blue walls

to the nodding faces and the audience grins,
Do you mean the audience's grins, or as in they grin
in response to her nervousness? If it's the latter then that's
extremely confusing. I would either punctuate it differently
or use a strategic line break.

hears a comforting voice asking ‘you okay?’
Feels like there should be a then before this.
from the friend she’s sitting next to in this veggie café

Then I come on.
There's a lot of emphasis on this line with the period,
and it being the first line, and I don't think this meets
the expectations that have built up.

Just as scared;
maybe more.
All I can say here is show, don't tell.
Like the first line, lots of emphasis.

I try dredging up some lines from the hoards I’ve got stored
in the back of my mind, I try to ignore, the
choke in my throat.
Ignore.
Ignore.

(Just remember why I came
and to

Having and to on a seperate line makes this part confusing,
almost if you came to tell them your name, but there's something else
but but but... I would just make and to tell them my name one line.
Looks/sounds better imo and avoids confusion.

tell them my name.)

I stand and speak from the script in my mind
reminding myself before forgotten lines
I’m spurring broken facts that don’t really add up
really breaks the syllable flow here, and I'm is
just an unnecessary repetition, I'd get rid of them.

thinking that they’ll probably getthegistofthem
if I tell them fastenough
Awesome.

That last girl’s like me, hoping not to be ignored
as neither of us have spoken words out loud before
so we’re aiming for their hearts
when we spurt our stuttered rhymes
so they might remember our faces
when we speak the next time
Sounds like it should be to them instead of the.

But when she rants about babies and feminism
I’m more hippies, Dylan and alcoholism
The when makes this confusing, like you are actually
'more hippies'. Easy solution by removing the when and adding
an and before the second line, or perhaps removing but when
and making it but I'm more hippies.

and where she apologises for being ‘man hating’ and ‘angry’
I came on stage proud for being,
well, a hippie;
not drunk admittedly, but speaking about it;
stuttering my phrases like I was running out of spit.
Already used stuttering, but I didn't really like it in the
previous use anyways, it's much better here.

Quick, this is it; they have to know my point
Beforeee…
the spit runs out and I’m left without a point

Because that script that I was reading from is gone
The second that is unneeded here.
and the pores on my palms show that it’s all going wrong;
my stuttering has stopped
Now I'd be very glad if suttering was only used once before this.
the rhyme’s withdrawn
I’m thinking ‘we’re not too different’
because, well, erm… she kind of buggered up on this one too.

Luckily I’m also given help in time,
in the form of a friend with a wonderful mind
who can remember
what should be in mine;
This is by far my favorite stanza, I just love
the fresh way you've described an experience
I have all the time.


So after a minute of panic I get my cue
Speed through the last few lines and end with a ‘thank you’
to this broken room
for hearing broken rhymes;
hell, I got ‘wooed’ on the way off
and it was my first time.

Maybe I'm just getting lazy, or maybe I really
don't see anything I'd want to change here.
Very nice ending.



I think I wrote almost as much as you

There was a lot to like about this (I just didn't bother mentioning most of it, I think you already know what's good). Very nice job.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 10, 2008,
#21
Unfortunately this version has to go in as part of some twatty coursework.
Buuttttt there are many changes for me to make and I will do so.
Needs near-complete restructuring and a rewrite.
Zach and circular.parade (don't know your name, sorry), I understand that. I damn it, but I understand it. It's not, though, something I'm willing to use as an excuse for my writing having very, very weak parts.

Thanks everyone for time on this, I'll be sure to put your comments and criticisms to use .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#22
c4c, undoubtedly.
spoken word, should be read outloud, obviously, but doesn't need it.

C4C? Okay then, done deal flower. Either one in my sig, or both, and I'll crit another one of yours? lol

A doubtful D withdraws from her vocal chords
as her voice fades out to an off-beat applause
she nods her head, and in silence she stands
then hurries back from the mic with a shaky glance
from the warmly painted walls of the room we’re in
to the nodding faces and the audience grins,
hears a comforting voice asking ‘you okay?’
from the friend she’s sitting next to in this veggie café

I'm going to start off by saying that this whole poem is very upfront about itself. It's written like somebody's thought process during these events. I think you said in a comment after that that is how you intended to write it. If so, then it is a very well written piece. If not, then it's lacking mataphors and mystery. BUT I don't think this is the case here though. For a piece that's written as a thought process, it does assume alot of mystery. I think that "Veggie cafe" is important to the piece, but doesn't, as always with these references, sit well with people. It's just one of those things, but I think it is important to the concept of the story.

Then I come on.
Just as scared;
maybe more.
I try dredging up some lines from the hoards I’ve got stored
in the back of my mind, I try to ignore, the
choke in my throat.
Ignore.
Ignore.

I do love this. Especially with "Ignore" repeated at the end. It emphasises the feeling of nervousness coming from the character. Having to play and sing infront of crowds myself, I relate very easily to it. Stood there having to think about what you're playing, what you're singing, what you're going to sing... It really emphasises his nervousness.


(Just remember why I came
and to
tell them my name.)


This seems like a deliberate afterthought. I like it very much, brings the emphasis to another level. Gives a great sense of character.

I stand and speak from the script in my mind
reminding myself before forgotten lines
I’m spurring broken facts that don’t really add up
thinking that they’ll probably getthegistofthem
if I tell them fastenough

I'm not sure if I like the effect of putting all the words together. It made me stop and read it slower, rather than faster. I know what you were trying to do though, I'm just not sure if it sits right with me. The first two lines sounds very Marillion-esque, well Fish era Marillion anyway, lol, listen to any Marillion? Love the first two lines, third line is also great, the ending could be different though, just to keep in tone with the mystery of the first two lines. And, well, you already know my thoughts on the last two lines =)

That last girl’s like me, hoping not to be ignored
as neither of us have spoken words out loud before
so we’re aiming for their hearts
when we spurt our stuttered rhymes
so they might remember our faces
when we speak the next time

You changed here well, from your own thoughts and fears of what is happening around you, you took it to it's natural peak and then brought it around now to the reason why you're here, and why she's here. This verse seems very heartfelt, writing about a situation you're in? It feels very heartfelt, that you are stood infront of people who you have to make a point, a point that means a great deal to you, and her, also, is the her character someone in your life? Someone who lived the same life as you, but lived it differently, d'you know what I mean? Like you're both up there standing and talking about what means a great deal to you, but you're talking about different things, almost seemingly opposite things. Seems like she's someone who is, or was in your life...

But when she rants about babies and feminism
I’m more hippies, Dylan and alcoholism
and where she apologises for being ‘man hating’ and ‘angry’
I came on stage proud for being,
well, a hippie;
not drunk admittedly, but speaking about it;
stuttering my phrases like I was running out of spit.
Quick, this is it; they have to know my point
Beforeee…
the spit runs out and I’m left without a point

There you go, the elaboration, lol. I don't like the use of spit, though. It just doesn't sit with me well, I think just because you don't really see it in poetry, spit, or any bodily fluids aren't usually written about. However, I do like the "Beforeee..." It's used very well as a spoken word piece, and also emphasises the fact that it's written as a thought process.

Because that script that I was reading from is gone
and the pores on my palms show that it’s all going wrong;
my stuttering has stopped
the rhyme’s withdrawn
I’m thinking ‘we’re not too different’
because, well, erm… she kind of buggered up on this one too.

Here comes the realisation. That even though you're talking about very different things, you're talking none the same, you're talking about what you believe in, to people who matter, but who don't care. And also that you're screwed =) I like this aswell, not the best one, but it's great none the less. I also like the use of the word of "Rhyme" here, which is odd for me, I usually hate it, because people use the word rhyme to make a line rhyme, d'you know what I mean?

Luckily I’m also given help in time,
in the form of a friend with a wonderful mind
who can remember
what should be in mine;

This one does confuse me, my head's on it's arse at the moment, I do apologize, are you reffering to the other speaker here?

So after a minute of panic I get my cue
Speed through the last few lines and end with a ‘thank you’
to this broken room
for hearing broken rhymes;
hell, I got ‘wooed’ on the way off
and it was my first time.

This is my favourite verse, it is very final, very definative. I like the rhymes here, simple, but that's all it needs. It just adds to the definity of the final stanza. It seems to take what has been said previously and make sense of it, to make an ending of everything that was said in the past stanzas.

My God, it's taken me like two hours, lol...

Loved the poem on a whole, there are a few things, nothing major at all. However, I'm not a fan of poems that are written as it happens kinda thing. However, again, I think that this is one of the best of them, and therefore I like it =)

Hope I helped, either in my sig, or both, lol, and I'll get back to another one of your's I write all the time, and would like as much crit as possible, maybe we can arrange a deal? I crit, you crit? lol =)

And on a final note, are you really Manc? Where-abouts in Manchester are you from?
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#23
^ Thanks a hell of a load for spending time on that, I'll read through properly and have a good at yours. And yeah, I always do c4c, and if I don't, whoever's annoyed needs to remind me .

And yep, I'm Manc. This is all made to be said in a heavy-ish female Manc accent
Heavy-ish. Even though I'm from Didsbury!
Pretty much grew up in Burnage though.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#24
Would be very happy to read your's, would also be very nice to have you look at mine, lol.
I'm from Kearsley myself, although apart from school, I spent most of my life in Salford.
Now I'm in Australia, lol.
Personally, I can't wait to go back on a holiday.
Refresh the accent, lol.
Before I start going "G'day" to everyone...
lol
How long have you been writing?
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#26
^ It's spoken word and I doubt I'll write any backing music for it.

I'd appreciate it if people let this drop, it's had far more attention than it deserved! When/if I revise it, I'll ask for something more.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#27
Quote by DigUpHerBones
c4c, undoubtedly.
spoken word, should be read outloud, obviously, but doesn't need it.

A doubtful D withdraws from her vocal chords
as her voice fades out to an off-beat applause
(I think that this line captures the essence of an average crowd)
she nods her head, and in silence she stands
then hurries back from the mic with a shaky glance
from the orange peel walls of the room we’re in
to the nodding faces and the audience grins,
hears a comforting voice asking ‘you okay?’
from the friend she’s sitting next to in this veggie café
(Veggie cafe? I don't understand. The imagery in this stanza was absolutely amazing)

Then I come on.
Just as scared; maybe more.
I try dredging up some lines from the hoards I’ve got stored
in the back of my mind, I try to ignore, the
choke in my throat.
Ignore.
Ignore.

(Just remember why I came
and to
tell them my name.)

(I think this accurately catches what stage fright is really about. Good job)

I stand and speak from the script in my mind
reminding myself before forgotten lines
I’m spurring broken facts that don’t really add up
thinking that they’ll probably getthegistofthem
if I tell them fastenough
(I imagine having no spaces was intentional. I liked it because it seemed to add to the stage fright-ness by making it seem faster)

That last girl’s like me, hoping not to be ignored
as neither of us have spoken words out loud before
so we’re aiming for their hearts
when we spurt our stuttered rhymes
so they might remember our faces
when we speak the next time

But when she rants about babies and feminism
I’m more hippies, Dylan and alcoholism
and where she apologises for being ‘man hating’ and ‘angry’
I came on stage proud for being,
well, a hippie;
not drunk admittedly, but speaking about it;
stuttering my phrases like I was running out of spit.
Quick, this is it; they have to know my point
Beforeee…
the spit runs out and I’m left without a point
(Once again, the imagery is just amazing. I can imagine this whole event occuring in my head)

Because that script that I was reading from is gone
and the pores on my palms show that it’s all going wrong;
my stuttering has stopped
the rhyme’s withdrawn
I’m thinking ‘we’re not too different’
because, well, erm… she kind of buggered up on this one too.
( I love that)

Luckily I’m also given help in time,
in the form of a friend with a wonderful mind
who can remember
what should be in mine;
( That's cheating! )

So after a minute of panic I get my cue
Speed through the last few lines and end with a ‘thank you’
to this broken room
for hearing broken rhymes;
hell, I got ‘wooed’ on the way off
and it was my first time.
This last stanza here seemed to wrap it up nicely)


I think you did a really good job on this. It was sort of lengthy, but it was worth the time it took to read it (and then some).

Thanks for the crit!
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now