#1
tell me what you think


my life's a Jerry Lewis telethon,
a late night Vincent Price marathon,
stranded on planet Alderon,
watching The Twilight Zone.

out of the craters the tidal waves roar,
Neil Armstrong's footprints on the floor,
I know I was here once before,
but not alone.

wandering through each sand dune,
see the little dipper cooking meth on a spoon,
hitch-hiking on the moon,
trying to get home.

passing time looking for someone to blame,
all i come up with is my own name,
and the boulders i pass are always the same,
everywhere I roam.

a hundred below when nightfall breaks,
like Dairy Queen's triple thick vanilla milkshakes,
its funny how the darkness makes,
you feel secure.

I see Earth, its bright blue and green,
just like on the cover of Time Magazine,
I've been up for hours without caffeine,
laying on the floor.

Searching up and down for Mel's Diner,
need booze to light a fuse cuz I lost my lighter,
they lied, you can't really see the Great Wall of China,
from out here.

They're playing the world's smallest violin,
I know there's no way I can win,
I'm skating with fire on dry ice thats thin,
but without fear.
Last edited by islanderzfan49 at Jul 8, 2008,
#3
Good start, but it just dosn't seem finished to me. It's kind of open ended, like you only went skin deep, dig deeper into it, maybe add a bit more of a story line to it.
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#4
Quote by islanderzfan49
tell me what you think


my life's a Jerry Lewis telethon,
a late night Vincent Price marathon,
stranded on planet Alderon,
watching The Twilight Zone.
Very nice, but I can't relate to this at all. I have very little idea or experience with anything you have mentioned. But thats just personal.
long sleep, wake up at noon,
day light can't ever come too soon,
Flow mishap here. Disengages my concentration.
hitch-hiking on the moon,
trying to get home.
This is a highlight, surely! Love it man!

now it just gets so lame,
once you've figured out the game,
and the people you meet are always the same,
This really does get lame! I don't mean to be cruel but I didn't enjoy the rhyming. Its alright, it flows nicely (but its a poor way to end something that feels like it could be so much more.)
wherever you roam.

a hundred below when nightfall breaks,
Don't like this line.
like Dairy Queen's triple thick vanilla milkshakes,
its funny how the darkness makes,
you feel secure.
Odd line breaks here that I personally feel you could involve a little more. Very quirky imagery though.

I see Earth, its bright blue and green,
just like on the cover of Time Magazine,
I've been up for hours without caffeine,
laying on the floor.
This is cool Can't fault it really.

Searching up and down for Mel's Diner,
need booze to light a fuse cuz I lost my lighter,
This bit is slightly 'iffy...
they lied, you can't really see the Great Wall of China,
This bit rules all. 'Shnice.
from out here.

They're playing the world's smallest violin,
I know there's know way I can win,
I'm skating with fire on dry ice thats thin,
but without fear.
Hemm, I don't know how you made this slight cliche come across as being so excellent, but I really like it!



Overal, I had a funny experience with this. For some reason, it only loaded half on your song so it was cut short by about a half...IT SUCKED! This is what I wrote before I realised what I ahd done after posting.

This was too disconnected for me. I'm certainly far from an expert but I feel like you need to either evolve your ideas more or create new ones that are more discernible and less cryptic. I may not be explaining myself properly there so forgive me if it sounds like rubbish.
That one line makes this well worth reading though.

This is the new version and my upgraded opinion...THIS ROCKED! Its funny and quirky even though its off on another planet.

Hope I helped a little.


Digitally Clean
#5
I really liked it
these are some lines that stick out and grabbed at me

"I've been up for hours without caffeine,
laying on the floor."

"its funny how the darkness makes,
you feel secure."

"I see Earth, its bright blue and green,
just like on the cover of Time Magazine," <- i like the rhyming on this one. Its original

"They're playing the world's smallest violin,
I know there's NO way I can win, <- grammar
I'm skating with fire on dry ice thats thin,
but without fear."


Overall, it's great, but it could be made better if you could make a continiuation since this feels more like a descriptive intro to another sotry

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15153943#post15153943
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#6
Quote by islanderzfan49
tell me what you think


my life's a Jerry Lewis telethon,
a late night Vincent Price marathon,
stranded on planet Alderon,
watching The Twilight Zone.
Right off the bat, I love lyrics that reference things like this. You did a great job of it, too.

out of the craters the tidal waves roar,
Neil Armstrong's footprints on the floor,
I know I was here once before,
but not alone.
Epic.

long sleep, wake up at noon,
day light can't ever come too soon,
Great line here, too true
hitch-hiking on the moon,
trying to get home.

then it just got so lame,
once I figured out their game,
and the people I see are always the same,
everywhere I roam.
Not a huge fan of the change in pace here, the piece sinks to a kind of mundane perspective compared to the rest of the piece so far.

a hundred below when nightfall breaks,
like Dairy Queen's triple thick vanilla milkshakes,
This line seems too long to me.
its funny how the darkness makes,
you feel secure.
Strong contrast to the "day light can't ever come too soon" line...

I see Earth, its bright blue and green,
just like on the cover of Time Magazine,
I've been up for hours without caffeine,
laying on the floor.
I like this. Up, but laying down.

Searching up and down for Mel's Diner,
need booze to light a fuse cuz I lost my lighter,
they lied, you can't really see the Great Wall of China,
from out here.

They're playing the world's smallest violin,
I know there's know way I can win,
You mean 'no way I can win'
I'm skating with fire on dry ice thats thin,
but without fear.
Not the strongest ending I could have imagined for this. I'd work on it some.


Overall, a good piece. Parts of it were impeccable, but there were a few points I wasn't so fond of.
Crit one of mine?
#7
you had some nice lines it there
and some actually show a pretty clear description of a acid trip

first stanza sucked though
after that it was all kibbles-and-bits!
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#8
this is like one of the poems we read at school for GCSEs, so it sounds pretty professional to me
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#9
I don't like the Dairy Queen reference...
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