#1
This, like anything I write will need some 'major modification man' so please help me out. Thank you.
BTW, this is really confusing, even after writing it myself, but there is one line I hope ties it all in together. I hope you spot it.



Bottles

Bottle feed the empty holes in your strength
'till they're cleared of all deterred.
Leading the surface scars away,
while rhyming your slender eyes to sleep.

Your wounds are so small,
clouded by the layering skin.
Your wounds are so alive,
but hidden, even to the keener eyes

Cradled by the craving in your bones,
I pray the bow it stays strong.
Binding close around your thighs,
I prize away the motherless way I cry.

Your wounds are so small,
clouded by the covering skin
Your enemies are mine to find,
embedded in the cracks that beg and pry

and sift through the saliva,
hoping to find a place where they can hide,

and then,
escape...

I celebrate the day you learn
to never follow me.

Your wounds are so small,
clouded by the covering skin.
Your wounds are so alive,
but hide deep within your hide



EDIT: This is the newer version. So its being bumped for revision if anyone wants to amend it further.
Credits go to Billyjson and Ninjamonkey. Thanks to everyone for their endearing help
.

BTW, to anyone confused, this is the line that is the most important - "I celebrate the day you learn to never follow me." Obvisouly if people are a little confused, this isn't clear enough! Ha!
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 14, 2008,
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
This, like anything I write will need some 'major modification man' so please help me out. Thank you.
BTW, this is really confusing, even after writing it myself, but there is one line I hope ties it all in together. I hope you spot it.



Bottles

Bottle feed the empty holes in your strength
'till they're cleared of all that weeps.
Flow-wise, I disagree with having this begin the piece. You always want to start as strict as possible on meter to give the reader that sense of flow. I think the second line is somewhat flexible, but the first line jumbles up the second, thus weakening it.
Stroking the surface scars away,
while rhyming your slender eyes to sleep.
The second line is a tad bit of a stretch, but it can work. So far, your word selection has been decent, if disconnected from the flow.

Your wounds are so small,
clouded by the cleaner skin.
Your wounds are so alive,
but hidden, even to the keener eyes
I was going to chastise this last line, but it does a couple good things here. For one, "hidden" connects with "skin". Since "skin" ends the line, "hidden" becomes a premature stop - a little wrench thrown in the rhythm that keeps things interesting. Then you finish with a rhyme for the previous line, which puts things back on track. Nicely done.

Cradled by the craving in your bones,
I pray the bow it stays strong.
Binding close around your thighs,
I prize away the motherless way I cry.
It doesn't feel great, but there were several tricks used here:
1) Alliteration between "pray" and "prize" in lines two and four.
2) "Bow" and "Strong" combine to rhyme with "bones". That's the first time I've ever seen that.
3) "Prize" rhymes with "thighs", as mentioned in the previous stanza.
Still, the rhythm felt a tad bit sloppy as far as sense stress. Could use some tweaking.

Your wounds are so small,
tucked into cracks that beg and cry.
Your enemies are mine to find,
embedded in the cracks that beg and pry
I don't like the "cry/pry" rhyme.

and sift
through the saliva,
hoping to find
a place where they can hide...
Is this where it resides? A place for it to hide? Decent, though I don't like the word "saliva" here.
and then,
escape...

I celebrate the day you learn
how to never follow me.
Maybe it's in here. Am I getting closer?

Your wounds are so small,
clouded by the cleaner skin.
Your wounds are so sharp,
but your hide will endure.



Okay, I've failed you. I could not find the line that binds. But still, the methods you used in your verses were interesting - though not always successful. I'd tweak it, because sense stress felt more like an enemy than a friend here.
#3
Maybe having a metaphor before 'weeps' in the first stanza would make it stronger. A baby metaphor, to go with the rest of the word choices.

I liked this, it doesn't need to be made clearer (or I don't think so) but images could do with being stronger.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
this was ok man. it doesn't seem like you were in a comfortable zone, though, when you wrote this. the rhymes are decent, as is the flow.
you've made tremendous progress since you came here. sorry i haven't got around to your pieces lately, kind of went through a tough time.(i realize you almost always make it to mine, and i'm extremely grateful for that)
just be careful to watch your words as you write them. just like any vicious, rabid animal, if you let them out if your sight for too long; the effects can be tragic. not so much the case with this, it just felt a little catatonic, and i'm not really sure why. i've tried to pinpoint it, but i couldn't, so i'm throwing this stuff out here to maybe make you aware of the fact. - i'm sorry, it's not fact, it could be just a figment of my vastly shallow imagination.
keep posting though man. i've been reading, and will continue to do so. also, i will try my hardest to mosey my way to comment/critique on the same note.
take it easy.
- Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
Quote by ottoavist
this was ok man. it doesn't seem like you were in a comfortable zone, though, when you wrote this. the rhymes are decent, as is the flow.
you've made tremendous progress since you came here. sorry i haven't got around to your pieces lately, kind of went through a tough time.(i realize you almost always make it to mine, and i'm extremely grateful for that)
just be careful to watch your words as you write them. just like any vicious, rabid animal, if you let them out if your sight for too long; the effects can be tragic. not so much the case with this, it just felt a little catatonic, and i'm not really sure why. i've tried to pinpoint it, but i couldn't, so i'm throwing this stuff out here to maybe make you aware of the fact. - i'm sorry, it's not fact, it could be just a figment of my vastly shallow imagination.
keep posting though man. i've been reading, and will continue to do so. also, i will try my hardest to mosey my way to comment/critique on the same note.
take it easy.
- Kent


Any small amount of progress made by my part has mostly been from you guys lending some excellent advice! It was a real kick in the teeth; I now look at writing in a very different way, but try and still maintain my own individuality that I had before, or tried to have.
I did like writing this, it's just I'm not that happy with it. I don't know for sure what my comfort zone remains as so I can't justify myself by forcing my hand to pen in a certain fashion. I know the style I am aiming for and I have discovered the framework of writing that I find most adept, but I just am unsure on how to reach that plateau. It'll take time and practise, I'm sure.

Thanks mate,

Dan

AG
DG


Digitally Clean
#6
Bottles

Bottle feed the empty holes in your strength
'till they're cleared of all that weeps.
I don't think of all that weeps does justice
to what you're trying to say. With your unique style
I can't say what might fit better, I just know that
didn't strike me as meaningfully as the rest.

Stroking the surface scars away,
while rhyming your slender eyes to sleep.
Very beautiful, my only gripe is stroking -
the rest was so easy, that word is just too blunt.


Your wounds are so small,
clouded by the cleaner skin.
Your wounds are so alive,
but hidden, even to the keener eyes

Cradled by the craving in your bones,
I pray the bow it stays strong.
I really admire the way you work with words,
crafting them in ways others wouldn't think of.
I'm trying to pick that up a bit, and I'm having
a lot more fun with my writing now.
I owe you a thanks.

Binding close around your thighs,
I prize away the motherless way I cry.

Your wounds are so small,
tucked into cracks that beg and cry.
Your enemies are mine to find,
embedded in the cracks that beg and pry

and sift
through the saliva,
hoping to find
a place where they can hide...

Too choppy for my taste here, whether
intended or not. Seems that an easy fix would be
to just merge the first two lines.


and then,
escape...

I celebrate the day you learn
how to never follow me.

how
doesn't read well here,
I like it much more without it.

And also, is this the line you were referring to?

Your wounds are so small,
clouded by the cleaner skin.
Honestly, I didn't enjoy this part enough
to want to see it again.

Your wounds are so sharp,
but your hide will endure.
That is a very rough image for this piece.



Not my favorite from you, but still a fun read. As always you paint some very interesting - and often unexpected - pictures.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.