#1
This is like one of my first songs i wrote and I always think my stuff is bad so I figured might as well get someone else's opinion and crits on it. And its definitely still a work in progress but I figured I could build on what other people thought about it.

Verse 1
I've got my thoughts flowing through
And going wild
I always love to see
the way you smile
and your all that i want
would you please
stay for a while?

Pre-Chorus
So just wait
cause you'll see that

Chorus
I've got this cookie
for these cliches
that you may just hear
like every other day
but this will be the last time
you hear them from me
I promise these cliches
will end by this evening

Verse 2
You've always had that look
of insecurity but you aren't
now are ya' baby
and you never give up
cause you never gave up
on me

Pre-Chorus
So just wait
cause you'll see that

Chorus
I've got this cookie
for these cliches
that I might never hear
any other day
but this will be the last time
i say these things to you
cause its really coming down
to just me and you

Bridge
So this is the last time
I get this now
every other time
its all about the sound
of the way your voice
hits my ear
I don't know what i'd do
if you weren't here


Pre-Chorus
So just wait
cause you'll see that

Chorus
I've got this cookie
for these cliches
that your probably gonna hear
like every other day
but this will be the last time
you hear them from me
I promise these cliches
will end this evening

---------------------------
Thats pretty much it. This is the first time I ever let anyone take a peek at one of my songs so its kinda cool. Thanks I wouldn't mind C4C if ya wanted either.

*Edited* Switch a few things up for hopefully a cleaner sound.
Last edited by Courtz_ at Jul 11, 2008,
#2
Quote by Courtz_

Verse 1
I've got my thoughts running
I like personificaton, but I wish you'd use a more descriptive word than "Running".
And going wild
I always love to see
the way you smile
and your all the i want
you mean 'that'?
for right now
Don't like this line at all. The phrase 'right now' completely destroys the emotion you're building up.
would you please
stay for a while?

Pre-Chorus
So just wait
cause you'll see that

Chorus
I've got this cookie
for these cliches
I do like this couplet quite a bit
that your probably gonna hear
drop 'probably'. My tongue trips over it every time I read this line.
like every other day
but this will be the last time
you hear them from me
I promise these cliches
will end this evening
Why will they end this evening? I like this chorus, but it doesn't connect with the verses very well. The verse was about the girl leaving, and now the speaker is going to leave?

Verse 2
You've always had that look
of insecurity but you aren't
now are ya' baby
This section was enjoyable
and you never give up
cause you never gave up
on me
A little bit cliched, but I like it anyways.

Pre-Chorus
So just wait
cause you'll see that

Chorus
I've got this cookie
for these cliches
that I might never hear
any other day
Nice change-up
but this will be the last time
i say these things to you
cause its really coming down
to me and you

Bridge
So this is the last time
I get this now
every other time
its all about the sound
of the way your voice
hits my ear
Good phrasing.
I don't know what i'd do
if you weren't here


Pre-Chorus
So just wait
cause you'll see that

Chorus
I've got this cookie
for these cliches
that your probably gonna hear
like every other day
but this will be the last time
you hear them from me
I promise these cliches
will end this evening


Overall, a good piece, but there is quite a bit you can do to fix it up a bit more.
#3
Thanks for the honest crit it really helped me see some flaws in it which was a little hard for me to see since its my first full length song I've written. I think a little later I'm gonna go over everything and switch some stuff in and out. Thanks