#1
c4c. I know I still owe some of you. I'll get to it soon, hopefully.



I write suicide notes with Cheerios,
gluing them to a purple piece of
construction paper.

When they find me dangling,
they'll be shocked,
appalled,
staggered

and then they'll coo,
"Well isn't that note just the cutest
thang you ever did see?"
and magnet it to the fridge next to
my brother's report card.
#3
Hahahahahaha. I love this.

Sheds light on how people can avert thier emotions from anything horrific so easily, with something so simple. In any traumatic situation, we're always looking for that slight silver lining to make ourselves feel better.

A+
Gears;
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EMG 81/85
Digitech RP350
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#4
another awesome piece.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#5
bye zan
you were the one cat i liked on here
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#7
Poetry can only be great if it's playful honestly (IMHO of course)

This is the best you've written for quite a few reasons. I hated the chakra piece, the echo effect was the worst gimmick I've seen in a while and any time you tried to be poetic as oppose to just expanding on the experience was silly. This was what that wasnt. Do what you did here but apply it to the idea of the chakra piece (somehow) and it would be beautiful.

Again, this piece was cute, nothing more or less, but the feeling which it instilled both when I read it and (probably) when you wrote it is what you are shooting for in nearly everything you write, playful in both form and function but with a beautiful ideal underneath that is brought to life with the former.

My opinion at least. I'm off to go read some Ted Kooser, I suggest you do the same, he wasnt a poet laureate for nothing. (Though knowing what you think of my stuff I'm not sure you'll be as enthralled with him). But still, go pick up a book of his ASAP, I think it will be helpful to you.

All the best,
Dylan.
#9
Really. ****ing. Good.

The change of flow when they said 'ever did see' reads really off for me. That's obviously not a bad thing in the context but it just felt funny. It should word, butttt. Don't change it though, I do like that line, just not really it mixed with the flow in to it. Though both are great .

Would you be writing (plural) suicide notes on one piece of paper?

I know this isn't much of a crit, there's really not much to crit, but I'd be really grateful if you'd have a look at my last one (bbbroken).

Awesome though, dammit, damned good.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
it is what you are shooting for in nearly everything you write, playful in both form and function but with a beautiful ideal underneath that is brought to life with the former.
i agree with everything in the bolded section of this statement.
you remind me of, like, a subconscious Dr. Frankenstein with your poems; you're searching ravenous(ly) for the answer to giving your words life. sometimes you touch the potential, but never fully.
like i said though, it just seems like you've got something weighing you down. can't pinpoint it. though; i am sure that when you find it, there won't be much stopping the words in your pieces from flowing like water. ...strawberry flavored. ...sparkling.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
Quote by ottoavist
i agree with everything in the bolded section of this statement.
you remind me of, like, a subconscious Dr. Frankenstein with your poems; you're searching ravenous(ly) for the answer to giving your words life. sometimes you touch the potential, but never fully.
like i said though, it just seems like you've got something weighing you down. can't pinpoint it. though; i am sure that when you find it, there won't be much stopping the words in your pieces from flowing like water. ...strawberry flavored. ...sparkling.


"Oh Doctor, if there were only some way I could ease your mind.
... give you a little "peace".


I write suicide notes with Cheerios,
gluing them to a purple piece of
construction paper.
interesting move.
the piece isn't purple, the paper is.
but by moving it there,
you grabbed some alliteration.
childish decision.
but that fits the piece perfectly
.

When they find me dangling,
they'll be shocked
they'll be appalled
they'll be staggered
completely overdone.
you didn't need to repeat they'll be 3 times.
and the repetitions are essentially an exercise in redundancy.
how fucking emo can you get?
nice.


and then they'll coo,
"Well isn't that note just the cutest
thang you ever did see?"
and magnet it to the fridge next to
my brother's report card.
not sure if coo might be replaced with something better.
but it works well enough.
using magnet as a verb
both streamlines this
and maintains an air of "regionality".
nice graft, doc.


I'd have posted mine from the quicky,
and we could have had a mutual fellation session.
but mine was posted ages ago.
this was a great little read, as were all the pieces in that comp.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#13
I saw that title and kinda thought hmm... cereal but I read it anyway and loved it. The first three lines were the highlight of the piece for me it. All over it was well thought out and clever, like others have said it was a mix of seriousness, playful and child like of a serious situation. This is a piece I really enjoyed Great job!
#14
This is definitely my personal favorite of your pieces. Just like everyone else said, it is both serious and comical, and manages to present a great point without trying too hard to shove it in someone's face.

Only criticism I have is that the "They'll be" part in the second stanza is entirely unnecessary the second and third time. It makes the piece seem really choppy there, and doesn't add anything at all.
#15
This is what I ****ing tried to do! But you wupped the ass of my pathetic body. Ah well...

Brilliant.

- "Construction"
Isn't a favourite term of mine.

- "Staggered"
Perfect word; interacts with death so well.
All the ending words in the second stanza compliment each other so effortlessly; a total contradiction towards suicide itself, a very difficult matter.

- "coo" and "cutest"
They slide in together very well.
It flows nicely as well... but thats about as cliched a thing to say by now as you can get.

One question, my suicide note was very long - I just couldn't stop writing - how the hell did you write it all in Cheerios, unless of course you had a very short letter?

Digitally Clean
#17
Quote by ottoavist
i agree with everything in the bolded section of this statement.
you remind me of, like, a subconscious Dr. Frankenstein with your poems; you're searching ravenous(ly) for the answer to giving your words life. sometimes you touch the potential, but never fully.
like i said though, it just seems like you've got something weighing you down. can't pinpoint it. though; i am sure that when you find it, there won't be much stopping the words in your pieces from flowing like water. ...strawberry flavored. ...sparkling.


uh, Kent?

you quoted my incredibly intelligent statement and then gave credit to Zack. Plagiarism I say, no good rotted Plagiarism!

and Zack, I have made the instant rimshot my homepage haha.
#19
I got the feeling that the ending was somehow proving the kid right, like they don't take him seriously, or something. Nicely done.