#1
Just a little something-something. More of a poem than a song at this point. C4C, of course.

There’s a card in your back pocket,
And its print reads “everywhere”.
An old man smiles sadly;
He says, “I’ve just come home from there.”
Then a homeless child, crying
Trades you palm for palm.
Her soft hands sign slowly-
“My lot was cast in song”

There’s a feather in your bowler cap
And a scuff-mark on your shoe.
As you shuffle through your kingdom
You sing the golden rule.
Then a wheel chair, rolling down a hill,
Collides with a telephone pole,
And you wonder if it’s truly good
For people to feel whole.

There’s a dark prince and magic
Underneath a set of cups,
And he smiles at you as you drift on bye;
“Boy, come try your luck.”
But you’ve played that game before
And you’ve got nothing, anyway
And you tell him, “Well, I had a home,
But I gambled it well away.”

There are shadows in the windows.
All your good deeds were left undone.
You took up your bags and, wincing
Made love to the race you’d run.
“But now I’m back,” you shout
To a God that’s forgotten your name
“I only meant to find my peace,
Not to cause my lovers pain.”
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#2
ACk bump. i'll get back to this
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#3
it had a very nice flow to it.
the first stanza was my favorite.
sorry this isn't much of a crit, but im falling asleep,
mabeye i will come back and make this longer later in the day.
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#4
Haha. Potential for criticism is better than no criticism at all.
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Yamaha SG500B
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EHX Russian Big Muff
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Jake will suffice.

Join the revolution, GG&A.
#5
Quote by carniferous


There’s a card in your back pocket,
And its print reads “everywhere”.
An old man smiles sadly;
He says, “I’ve just come home from there.”
Then a homeless child, crying
Trades you palm for palm.
Her soft hands sign slowly-
“My lot was cast in song”

The opening really opens up a whole ton of possibilities for this to go. But I like the direction that you guided it into. The flow is really good for the most part, you get your ideas through excellently, without being too preachy.

There’s a feather in your bowler cap
And a scuff-mark on your shoe.
As you shuffle through your kingdom
You sing the golden rule.
Then a wheel chair, rolling down a hill,
Collides with a telephone pole,
And you wonder if it’s truly good
For people to feel whole.

I felt like such an existentialist as I started reading this. I'm going to be honest, I can't decipher what it means, but it's got a good feel to it.

There’s a dark prince and magic
Underneath a set of cups,
And he smiles at you as you drift on bye;
“Boy, come try your luck.”
But you’ve played that game before
And you’ve got nothing, anyway
And you tell him, “Well, I had a home,
But I gambled it well away.”

This part is meh, nothing special. You expanded on the idea too much in my mind.

There are shadows in the windows.
All your good deeds were left undone.
You took up your bags and, wincing
Made love to the race you’d run.
“But now I’m back,” you shout
To a God that’s forgotten your name
“I only meant to find my peace,
Not to cause my lovers pain.”

This is a veryyyyy powerful ending, the last four lines really articulate the whole purpose and theme of the piece, well done. The last two lines really complete the song overall though, it seems like it would be a verse/stanza that would slowly build it's way up to those two lines.




So overall, this is pretty damn good. I'm not sure on the overall, not exactly what it's saying, but whether I like it or not. You have a real intimate knowledge of the topic though, very real feel to the song, not like you're just making it up, but like you have a strong understanding with the song, and I like that. The flow works 99% well, I don't think anything is forced, and it's just good overall hahaa.

Crit mine?
""Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?"
Should be on the first page there.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.