#1
We painted a thin line in between trying too hard and not caring enough
With colored clouds from foreign sunset skies
We traveld entire spectrums,
barefoot,
our feet dancing with grace,
our steps tangling
around these lines we trace.
#3
Quote by ChordMonger
interesting take on art, but it feels unfinished mate


I'd take that comment with a lot of modesty and thankfulness if only you had gotten at least a vague idea of the precise subject matter.
#5
^Careful, he's wild.

This was nice, but not overly astonishing. I really liked the last four lines, brought this to a soild end. It's so teeny there's not too much to pick, but the reptition of "we painted" I didn't take to, not just because it's an ugly word but because in a short piece the reptition of a bog-standard verb irked with me a little.

Other than that, yeah.

Good luck, Mat.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
^Careful, he's wild.

This was nice, but not overly astonishing. I really liked the last four lines, brought this to a soild end. It's so teeny there's not too much to pick, but the reptition of "we painted" I didn't take to, not just because it's an ugly word but because in a short piece the reptition of a bog-standard verb irked with me a little.

Other than that, yeah.

Good luck, Mat.


This. Plus that I didn't really like starting with long lines and the change.
That is being picky. Nice is the word, I'm afraid, as far as I see it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Thanks a lot jamie and digg (I swear I knew your name)

I must agree with both your points. It felt awkward that you pointed out "teeny" jamie because that's exactly how I feel about the situation this is about. I wanted it to have a particular feel, but I don't know if it came of as that half on purpose or simply by a lack of writing skills/application.

Leave me links and I'll make sure to at least read you.
#9
When it shifts to the shorter lines, it almost feels like a different piece to me. I could see the long sections and the short ones both in seperate things of their own, and still sounding good.

Besides that, I don't really have tons to say about it (sorry) , but it is good to see you back Mat.
#10
Jamie really nailed this.

It's good... but not great. I, to be frank, hated the almost forced poetic nature of the second line. Everything else had such a "real" vibe to it... which made that line really stick out to me as being overdone or over-thought. The last 5 are very well done... but the first two, though the first was grounding the content of the piece, just seemed too... something. I can't even put a finger on it, but they just feel too labored I guess. I'm probably just being crazy.

Anyways, if you could just read/comment on Cereal in my sig... I'd appreciate it. This wasn't much of a crit though... so feel free to not. Glad to see you are back around.
#12
Took out the part that sucked the most. This is not the final version of this. Thanks to everyone.

Also, I'm not back, just hurt, so I had to be home for a few days. Might head back there pretty soon though.
#14
Quote by circular.parade

We painted a thin line in between trying too hard and not caring enough
Maybe throw in a line break somewhere here. I don't know, but it just seems way too long compared to the rest.
With colored clouds from foreign sunset skies
Very clever, three alliterations right in a row. It gives a really interesting feeling to the line.
We traveld entire spectrums,
barefoot,
our feet dancing with grace,
our steps tangling
around these lines we trace.
I think this is the only rhyme you have? Stands out a lot, and helps the piece resolve well. Still wish it was longer...


I don't really see any errors with it. The whole thing is very nice, and a good insight, but there isn't really any wow factor in here for me. That being said, I still like it a lot.
#15
i hate it when people comment on my stuff, only to tell me what's been said in the previous 13 posts. So, i'm trying not to do that. i promise.

the first two lines are what drew me in to this. by the time i made it to line 3, i was like, "where is the good imagery going?" the rest just seems kind of half-assed. define "spectrums."
the thing that really bothered me was the last two lines. "steps tangling...lines we trace." where are the lines being traced coming from, and why?(i considered the first line, but the word "line" as used, is singular). or, am i missing something?
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