#1
This song is one of my fave's... I would love to hear your thoughts... good or bad!

Cheers!

YESTERDAY ALL OVER

Another day in this place and I'll be the first one to go completely insane
Another meaningless face and it's me commited, they can lock me away...

This has got to end sometime, this just has to get better.

I've been sitting here waiting for something to change
It's yesterday all over
Every second is an hour just wasted away
It's yesterday all over

Another week of this hell and there'll be no army to keep my vengeance at bay
Another story to tell and it won't be pretty, I'm making headlines today

This has got to end sometime, this just has to get better.

I've been sitting here waiting for something to change
It's yesterday all over
Every second is an hour just wasted away
It's yesterday all over

I'm not sitting here... I will disappear
It's yesterday all over
I'm not sitting here... I will disappear
It's yesterday all over...
#2
I think it's lacking some substance. It feels kinda light. You have two real short verses, one of them rhymes and the other doesn't, so I don't know how to read it. I think your structure is good, but it's just lacking some meat. It kinda stays in one space (the feeling of wasted time) Maybe add some metaphors, some storyline, some rhyme or something to grab onto.

Also committed has two t’s.
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Patrick
4jacks
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#3
Thanks Patrick.

Appreciate the feedback! The rhyming comes in when you actually listen to the song, as the versus may seem short, but are actually quite long when played. The idea of staying in one place and wasted time are exactly what I was trying to portray, as the song is about anyone who's ever felt that their life is going nowhere (particularly related to career or relationships) so I guess I achieved my goal there! As for the typo on committed... apologies! I type 65 wpm so my fingers act faster than my brain at times!

Please stay in touch!

Regards.
#4
i liked the way the parts start with the same word it makes it easier to catch on to, the new meanings, but makes it easier to confuse them as well(not good!)
the ending was good but to me it seemed like you should not say,
I'm not sitting here... I will disappear
the 2nd time, because i got exited starting to read it, then i read te last 2 lines, and said "oh" it kills off the exitment, in a bad way.

one recomondation i have for it is possibly doing it like this
It's yesterday all over
I'm not sitting here... I will disappear
It's not yesterday all over.

almost any way you change it you'll have a good poem.
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#5
Quote by Silverwood2
Thanks Patrick.

Appreciate the feedback! The rhyming comes in when you actually listen to the song, as the versus may seem short, but are actually quite long when played. The idea of staying in one place and wasted time are exactly what I was trying to portray, as the song is about anyone who's ever felt that their life is going nowhere (particularly related to career or relationships) so I guess I achieved my goal there! As for the typo on committed... apologies! I type 65 wpm so my fingers act faster than my brain at times!

Please stay in touch!

Regards.


I really think everyone can relate to that feeling. It is a little difficult to fully understand a song just by the lyrics, I guess if it is a slow song, then there's not room to add much more. Lol, you don't have to apologize for a typo, I just like to point them out for people to fix there work. I know once you type it, it becomes a lot of copy and paste, so fix it early. I don't typically grammar nazi other posts.
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Patrick
4jacks
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#6
Thanks Patrick and Mr. Cuddles!

It's great to have a forum like this, as I will definitely be using your advice!

Keep well!
#7
like 4jacks, i think it's kinda light, in a way.

but still

"every second is an hour just wasted"
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