#1
I've never tried writing this specific kind of poetry, but imm required to write something like this in poetry although i prefer this topic in prose.
hope it's good.


Forever, you’ve been staring at the closed door
You wait.
While others watched you through it.
The only thing you feel for the door is hate.

In the quickest instant of your young life the door swings open.
And you run.
You see inside the fighting and hate
But your wait is finally done.

You twist yourself,
And change,
But something’s already changed you.
You’ve become strange.

You changed yourself to fit in,
But the world changed you first.
You never killed and never stole.
No, you’ve done something even worse.

You wish to tell the close ones.
But the ones only you know
Say that even the others,
Will then throw you out and go.

You’ll, be waiting for a door that’ll never open once again.
So you keep pretending
While everyone watches you from outside the door
Their Scrutiny, never stopping.

Like you.
Never telling.
About the ones they can’t see.

Stay.
Inside.
The room.
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#2
Very nice dude, keep working on it, youve got potential.

Cheers
#3
Quote by JXjizo
Very nice dude, keep working on it, youve got potential.

Cheers

thanks man, can i have a link to crit yours? I cant find any.
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#4
Wow thats really good, I was actually listening to music when I opened it but after I started reading I had to turn it off so I could concentrate on your work. This is really deep which is what I think drew me into it from the start. Definitely keep writing your well good.
#5
Quote by Courtz_
Wow thats really good, I was actually listening to music when I opened it but after I started reading I had to turn it off so I could concentrate on your work. This is really deep which is what I think drew me into it from the start. Definitely keep writing your well good.

the reason it came across that way was that it's for a contest, it has to be a poem form confession, this is me telling a story as a confession, it' about how we and me change when we grow up, and the soicety making us insane becuase we change ourselves to fit in, and how I was guilty of conforming to soiciety

thanks!
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#6
Yep Cuddles!

I agree.. definitely talent here! I love the ending. So "in your face", so "captivating"... and a little bit scary too... lol.

Great work!
#8
Quote by Silverwood2
Oh, by the way...

How do you link your other material to a reply?


Click on, "Go Advanced" - "Insert Hyperlink" (the 10th icon along from the selection) - Type in what you want people to see when the comment is posted - Paste the web address from the page you copied it from (make sure you copy the address before going through this process or else it won't work) - Hope that helped.

I'll come back to this Cuddles 'cause its interesting, like a lot of your stuff. I just need sleep right now.
#9
Quote by Mr.Cuddles

Forever, you’ve been staring at the closed door
You wait.
I like the long/short line thing you did here
While others watched you through it.
The only thing you feel for the door is hate.
Don't fully understand this yet, hopefully you elaborate.

In the quickest instant of your young life the door swings open.
And you run.
You see inside the fighting and hate
But your wait is finally done.
These last two lines are great. The phrasing itself was pretty uninteresting, but the message here is great.

You twist yourself,
And change,
But something’s already changed you.
You’ve become strange.
Starting to figure out the whole meaning here, good job revealing it in bits

You changed yourself to fit in,
But the world changed you first.
You never killed and never stole.
No, you’ve done something even worse.

You wish to tell the close ones.
But the ones only you know
Say that even the others,
Will then throw you out and go.
Not too crazy about this part. It isn't really saying anything important, to me at least.

You’ll, be waiting for a door that’ll never open once again.
So you keep pretending
While everyone watches you from outside the door
Their Scrutiny, never stopping.

Like you.
Never telling.
About the ones they can’t see.

Stay.
Inside.
The room.


Overall, pretty well done. I enjoyed it.
#10
@ all posters thank you!
ill try to crit most of you!

and to poster above me it's part of a series im doing, when the lyrics are done I want to do a concept album out of it. click on angels demons voices and cards, in my sig, all the stanza will make much more sense, they all deal with issues in soiciety, this particular one is about trying to be accepted, and growing up.
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
Last edited by Mr.Cuddles at Jul 14, 2008,