#1
simple, child like melody. that's the point.

if you're looking
you can see flowers bloom
on a fluffy cloud
in a place where the sun is always shining down
all with hopeful eyes
and smiling hearts
and there's no one wears a frown

and if you listen
you can hear windy chimes
in a fragrant breeze
in a place where children sit atop their dreams
with whirling wishes
and a simple song
they lift their hearts and sing

all our lives are perfect when we are asleep
wouldn't it be wonderous if we lived in dreams?
sing with us and hold our hands and let us dream away
for tomorrow's just as perfect as it was today
#2
Good language and word choice. I don't think your meter should vary that much, though (fourth line in each verse, as well as the entire outro). Other than that, it had a good flow about it. It's not that much of a crit, but it's all I have.
#3
Its very bright, and since child like melody is what you were going for not much crit. It was simple pleasant and quite enjoyable without really having to think to much into it lol. Its a nice piece of work again very bright which is some times a little hard to find now-a-days.
#4
Quote by crossroads07


if you're looking
you can see flowers bloom
on a fluffy cloud
in a place where the sun is always shining down
all with hopeful eyes
and smiling hearts
and there's no one wears a frown

If I was reading this for the first time, I'd be a little confused, but maybe that's what you're going for? I'd put in some kind of hint that one is in a dream, or in another state of mind, something like that.

and if you listen
you can hear windy chimes
in a fragrant breeze
in a place where children sit atop their dreams
with whirling wishes
and a simple song
they lift their hearts and sing

This is real nice and upbeat, it seems like you're slowly building up into the last bit down there. Like going from piano in the first verse, then adding light drums in on the second part, and in the third part...

all our lives are perfect when we are asleep
wouldn't it be wonderous if we lived in dreams?
sing with us and hold our hands and let us dream away
for tomorrow's just as perfect as it was today

...You finally kick in with the guitar and bass. Just my interpretation though. Definitely a childlike melody, and somewhat of a theme here. It's pretty good, I can see it going along with music well. You make it flow rather well here.


So overall, I like this, and I'd kill to hear it to music if possible? You have very good ideas, the stereotypical dreams that everyone thinks of, so it could appeal to a large amount of people, solid.

Crit mine?
"Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?"
Should be on the first page there...
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#5
Quote by crossroads07
simple, child like melody. that's the point.

if you're looking
Really like this line. At first it really didn't mean much, but after reading the whole stanza, it has a lot of power.
you can see flowers bloom
on a fluffy cloud
in a place where the sun is always shining down
all with hopeful eyes
and smiling hearts
Good word choice.
and there's no one wears a frown
Grammar?

and if you listen
you can hear windy chimes
in a fragrant breeze
in a place where children sit atop their dreams
with whirling wishes
and a simple song
Alliterations. Also good word choice here.
they lift their hearts and sing

all our lives are perfect when we are asleep
wouldn't it be wonderous if we lived in dreams?
sing with us and hold our hands and let us dream away
for tomorrow's just as perfect as it was today
Really pulls this together into something more than a children's poem. Very open and honest.


Really, there is nothing wrong with this that I can see.