#1
i was watching Public Court Television
the other day, while it was raining;
when i heard an awful racket
out in the streets.

so i peered out my window to
see Justice holding an umbrella.
eating a Snickers bar
and blabbing on a cellphone.
sporting name brand clothing
and offending the general public
with a facade so acceptable,
it was hard to say anything
at all.

i wrote a formal complaint, and resumed my show.


this could be a dangerous turn for me.
c4c.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 9, 2008,
#2
I don't know how to feel about this.

On one hand, its a nice little quip with a solid point, well conveyed, etc etc etc. On the other hand, it feels half-assed. Like you could have done more with the description to make your point even more solid. It feels like you dug half of a well and then quit.

I will say this, I'm very pleased to see you leaving the "rapid fire" lines and racehorse flow. Its refreshing to see that you don't need that to write a solid piece. I also LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the irony in the last line and the bitterness you were able to convey in it.

And yes, this could be a dangerous turn... if you manage to break out of always writing rapid fire rhythms and still write hella intense piece, you'll be a force to be reckon'd with.
#3
I feel you were way too obvious with some of this. There was nothing to realy get into, it was just ah, okay, IRONY and a bit of CYNISCM with MODERN SURROUNDINGS, maybe a hint of SATIRE and PEOPLE ARE HYPOCRITICAL.

Break from the norm for you was nice but I felt the actual piece and it's execution was a backwards step.
#4
*ow*
capital letters hurt.

i suppose i took the curve a little too fast, eh?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
dr. otto octavius.

the personification of justice is never a good idea. i loved it, but only because you wrote it. as a piece, this is probably floating around the 'a little below mediocre' mark when considered comparatively with your general standard.

oh, otto. you beautiful thing.
#6
I disagree with the above. This was, in my opinion, better than most of your "rapid-fire" pieces as Zackk put it. The story was clear, the facts were facts, and, for the most part, you allowed those facts speak for themselves.

What bothered me was when you told me what to think. The personification "Justice" thing was so lame it almost turned me off. I mean, it could have easily been worse, but give him a normal name, making him a real person, and you underline your overall idea. Secondly, the ending came too soon. Allow us to forget about the intro line before springing a painfully obvious conclusion like that. Either drop the last line or expand the "facts" (descriptions of the situation in this case) so you earn the ability to use it (proving that it's not just a preachy poetic copout but really what one would think in the situation). In my opinion you did not give sufficient context to care about the narrator nor any of the subjects and therefore I reject the validity of the last line.

That said, I really did enjoy the piece.

Keep it up mein.

#7
i was watching Public Court Television
the other day, while it was raining;
when i heard an awful racket
out in the streets.

This is such a boring opening. Not only is there nothing to get excited over, but the line break and punctuation in the first two lines almost hurt to read (and if you're going to capitalize PCT, why have a lower cased i?).


so i peered out my window to
see Justice holding an umbrella.
Kind of corny, but meh.
eating a Snickers bar
and blabbing on a cellphone.
sporting name brand clothing
and offending the general public
with a facade so acceptable,
it was hard to say anything
at all.

Very cynical, and very relatable, I like this part a lot. The Snickers bar was a fun
addition, and of course you can't be mad at society without mentioning cell phones.


i wrote a formal complaint, and resumed my show.
Since you said it was hard to say anything at all I feel there should be a so or at least a but before this line.

this could be a dangerous turn for me.
c4c.


Sorry if I sounded harsh, it would be a pretty good piece from anyone else but I know you can do much better Kent.

If you don't mind my piece could use some hate:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=904035
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 12, 2008,
#8
First stanza made me cringe.
as did 'blabbing'.
I'd prefer a comma after 'umbrella', as opposed to a full stop.
I agree with billy about the last line. A 'so' before it would help.
I preferred your old style, but it was getting stale.
I'm sure after a few more pieces in this vein, you'll pull it together nicely.
The idea here was nice though.
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