#1
NOTE: I would've posted a Guitar Pro version of the song to help you guys crit. but I don't know if that's allowed. So if you know I can post one, please inform me.


Good days have passed now it's all done
The love remains but it is gone
Well, love almost won

Unlonely nights are now all done
The days when we were still one
Someday I'll see you again

CHORUS
Love birds singing
Luscious moments, at dawn
Now, it's all gone

I'm sorry girl I really have to leave
I wish I could stay and have more to give
[insert 5-8 syllable phrase here]

CHORUS
Singing sirens
Joyful moments, at dawn
Now, it's all done

SOLO

CHORUS
Turnstiles turning
Engines roaring, at dawn
I'm sorry girl cause I'm already gone
Last edited by martinez952000 at Jul 10, 2008,
#2
Quote by martinez952000



Good days have passed now it's all done
The love remains but it is gone
Well love almost won

the italics really throws me off.

Unlonely nights are now all done
The days when we were still one
Someday I'll see you again
whose unlonley nights?make it clear.

CHORUS
Love birds singing
Luscious moments, at dawn
It's all gone now
this i good but if you want to ake the last line rhyme word it like this.
"Now, it's all gone."


I'm sorry girl I really have to leave
I wish I could stay and have more to give
I'll always love you
I was okay with the first two lines but the last line, wasn't very original.

CHORUS
Singing sirens
Joyful moments, at dawn
It's all gone now

SOLO

CHORUS
Turnstiles turning
Engines roaring, at dawn
I'm sorry girl cause I'm already gone
This was probably my favorite part, not becuase it's over, becuase the quality.

Where are all the punctuation marks at?
and this will probly sound mean but, i find this topic very... unoriginal, and think if you're going to do it, it has to be amazing.
this was good. not amazing.
it wasn't bad though, it was good.

P.S.
put some periods in before the grammar nazis find you!
and if you want to crit me, be as harsh as you want.
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Last edited by Mr.Cuddles at Jul 9, 2008,
#3
I like this song a lot, the guy above me is right it is a rather unoriginal topic, but just look at how many great songs are about a similar topic. Overall very well put together, get signed and you might just have a great song for the radio haha.
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#4
I changed some stuff and followed some advice. Tomorrrow I'll be uploading the Guitar Pro version of the song to help you guys crit. I chose the topic because it's based on a real experience. I left my girlfriend (literally went to another country) due to family stuff. The last line from the third verse was probably the worse part of the song, so any good tips to fill that in would help. Oh, and I'll be uploading a YouTube of this in a week.

Hope to hear more from you guys.
#5
NOTE: I would've posted a Guitar Pro version of the song to help you guys crit. but I don't know if that's allowed. So if you know I can post one, please inform me.


Good days have passed now it's all done
The love remains but it is gone
Well, love almost won

I do not really like this paragraph. It is not quite powerful enough for the opening of the song, and the "on" rhyme feels forced. The rhyming also causes the next line to seem redundant, which is sad because the next paragraph is really good.

Unlonely nights are now all done
The days when we were still one
Someday I'll see you again

CHORUS
Love birds singing
Luscious moments, at dawn
Now, it's all gone

For some reason the love birds singing line does not sit well with me at all. It is so cheesy it almost comes of as parody, but the other two lines are gold. The now, it's all gone line prefectly represents the longing the main character must feel.

I'm sorry girl I really have to leave
I wish I could stay and have more to give
But I need you to move on and live?

Haha, this part is okay not as good, and sorry for the utter crapness of the line i wrote.

CHORUS
Singing sirens
Joyful moments, at dawn
Now, it's all done

This is a better chorus, but in my opinion I really feel that, "Now, it's all gone." Is a much stronger ending, and more powerful.

SOLO

CHORUS
Turnstiles turning
Engines roaring, at dawn
I'm sorry girl cause I'm already gone

This is great, i think that last line would work even better without the word "girl" and leave it as a blanket statement that he is not only saying goodbye to that girl, but the entire life and world that that girl represents.

It could also work as a farewell to the listener.

Overall, as has been said, this topic has been done to death, so that reduces its power. I think maybe a few new verses with the same symbolism of the chorus would lift it out of the mire.

8/10