#1
EDIT (07/29/08): Revised the poem.

Notes:
This is a rather personal song, so don't be too harsh in ripping it apart. I also want to point out that there are no slasher references in there. A lot of people keep telling me that there are.

Also, "coup de grah" is spelled phonetically for the vocalist's purpose.

Each stanza is spaced out in the song, so if you want to read one, do something else, then read the next, it's fine.

-----

I am shattered, tattered, and torn
As I lie, face down, dragged through the soil of this Earth
My heart, similar to that of Hiroshima
Lies in ruins and in desecration.

And as my mind fails to spread a penicillin through this forever flame that is my throbbing heart
I realize why my lies made me regret all that I had and cherished.
I had paid the ultimate sacrifice for a moment's pleasure
And in the current ending, will have no sanctuary, no freedom, and no relief from this pain.

Having sinned unforgivably and rather harshly, has made me see the light.
And in that light do I suggest my offering
But in the shadows I will pay the price
Because she denies time the chance to prove that I am capable of her attention.
And as such, she does thrust her blade (Gasoline to the machine) into my side, until time dutifully bids me by.

From all, and to all, the only outcome from my fall from grace, is the knowledge of something I cannot have.
(Forbidden Fruit From The Healing Tree)
And I know now that the essence of absolute devastation lies in the knowledge that, despite how much I tried, I was nothing more than company. Nothing more than a friend who could kiss.
And that he, the worst of foes (The scum of earth and sea),
Was more beneficial (In The Long Run) than I, a passionate lover, with whom you tried so hard entwined under sheets to prove.
Perhaps more, was the lies another he told, whilst you spun truths.
How is it with what you knew, and what you had thought, could you have stabbed me in the back?
And the coo de grah of the final blow, was stronger than that of any falling hammer, any medicine made, or any sharpened blade.

I hope you know it rips and tears me to pieces, raw meat not fit for dogs.
The knowledge that my fallacies propelled my exuberant joy to nothing more than a shattered fairy tale
(Another casulty to the machine that is the truth)
And the resulting reactions and distractions that filled my daily life, did nothing more than pull my pleasant, rather stable existence to a chaotic limbo that questioned the foundation of my very moral fiber.
I hope you at least second guess your words next time, perhaps allowing me time to stand up and breathe.

But with the bandage of time, I'll sit.
Scissors in one hand, and my wounds in the other.
And when the clock tolls 12,
I'll finally breath;
the claustrophobic, catastrophic container that I lived in for the past 12 hours (Weeks) lifted,
And upon the realization that what I had is gone,
I'll cut my loses and silently sit with my wounds in my mouth
And my heart buried, 6 feet underground.
Last edited by VIRUSDETECTED at Jul 29, 2008,
#2
wow, I am sorry that I am too lazy to crit this fully. ummm there is amazing word choice throughout this which I like. It has great imagery too. : )
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#3
First I want to say that you should realize I'm not great with lyrics, so if my advice seems useless or you don't like it, I may have no idea what I'm talking about.

Well I had a long babble about the coup de grah and then I saw your note! So that wasn't worth it. If you really want it phonetic, I would spell it "coo de grah".

You have some great lines here, or the making of great lines, but I feel like I'm drowning in all that you say. Perhaps this is a really long song, so it works out, but I still feel like you're using way too many words. Here's an example:

I hope you know it rips and tears me to pieces, raw meat not fit for dogs.
Why not say, simply, "I am raw meat not fit for dogs"? I think something more to the point and less verbose will help your listener understand what you're talking about - because as a reader I can't understand what you're talking about.

You're saying too many things here, or at least, you're not making any of them clear enough. In the fourth verse when you started talking about other people and so on, I had no idea who you were talking about and what relation you had to them. What may be a problem is that you are writing about personal things. Perhaps I'm being redundant, and you already realize this, but because it's a personal issue you know more about it than I, the reader, which creates a problem in your song. You're talking about things that I don't understand, and instead of explaining them to me (without being verbose or boring) and putting me into the situation, you're telling me about it and I'm lost.

I think if you shrunk it down (though this may not fit the song you have planned for it, so instead you might just cut words out and simplify) and made it thinner, more precise, it would be clearer.

Hope this helped.