#1
style of it is metal, similar to bleeding through
any comments much appreciated, good or bad
thanks

so is this the same old story that i find so ****ing hard to read
iv gone from a king to a peasant wasting whilst i slowly bleed
youve tore out my heart and left me stranded here in two
you treat me like a fool yet id gladly play the fool for you
i saw the angel come from heaven just to throw me down to hell
my life went upside down since i fell under your spell
beneath your beauty lies a hatred i could never know
i try to fight it but i crave for you, you self righteous wh*re

all this time i felt i had something to fight for
something to hold on to when i heard your name
im looking into darkness which seems to go on forever
im lurking in the shadows wishing we could be together

with every word you say, the words cut my heart away
im left with hatred for the love that we once shared each day
i take another drink to erase these memories from my head
il try and il always fail its easier to dream that you are dead
i tried to find the truth when i looked deep in your eyes
all i saw were broken promises disguise in one big lie
so my hands are broken, and my tonge is tied
i feel my chest burst open but feel no pain inside

all this time i felt i had something to fight for
something to hold on to when i heard your name
im looking into darkness which seems to go on forever
im lurking in the shadows wishing we could be together

so my hands are broken, and my tonge is tied
i feel my chest burst open but feel no pain inside
#2
Quote by thebigpolo

so is this the same old story that i find so ****ing hard to read
iv gone from a king to a peasant wasting whilst i slowly bleed
youve tore out my heart and left me stranded here in two
you treat me like a fool yet id gladly play the fool for you
i saw the angel come from heaven just to throw me down to hell
my life went upside down since i fell under your spell
beneath your beauty lies a hatred i could never know
i try to fight it but i crave for you, you self righteous wh*re

1 word for you, punctuation. Learn to use it. It makes reading this whole mess easier. That aside, I personally find cursing in lyrics to be crude, but I won't deduct points from that.

Your rhymes are so obvious and in-your-face that it actually degrades the quality of your lyrics. And the fact that they're so predictable, and in a standard format, doesn't help. Try making them subtle and not so generic.

You have numerous spelling errors, which also means you should brush up on your grammar. However, I'm not going to point out spelling mistakes again. You should proofread before you submit.

This stanza, content-wise, is nothing great. A man lost his pride. Mky. Get the point. No need to drag it out. The icing on the cake is it's just blatantly boring to read. You don't use any descriptive adjectives to catch the reader's attention. You don't have a varied vocabulary in this piece.



all this time i felt i had something to fight for
something to hold on to when i heard your name
im looking into darkness which seems to go on forever
im lurking in the shadows wishing we could be together

Alright, this is an improvement content wise. But still, you need to use better adjectives. It's boring.

Description aside, it does set the tone a bit better than the previous stanza.


with every word you say, the words cut my heart away
im left with hatred for the love that we once shared each day
i take another drink to erase these memories from my head
il try and il always fail its easier to dream that you are dead
i tried to find the truth when i looked deep in your eyes
all i saw were broken promises disguise in one big lie
so my hands are broken, and my tonge is tied
i feel my chest burst open but feel no pain inside

You keep recycling the same nouns. "Hatred", "Love", "Heart", "Pain."
We get it, he's heart broken. Find some different words. Try passion, lust, indulgence, pulse, anything. I keep saying this, but it's just painfully boring at this point. If I was listening, you better have same damn good guitar work, otherwise I'm tuning out.


all this time i felt i had something to fight for
something to hold on to when i heard your name
im looking into darkness which seems to go on forever
im lurking in the shadows wishing we could be together

Already commented on this one. Change it up though, even if it's just a little. Add a line or two.

so my hands are broken, and my tonge is tied
i feel my chest burst open but feel no pain inside

The rhyme is cheesy and leaves me wanting more. I would like better closure. Try again. Make it a little bit longer perhaps. Line 1 of this stanza I like out of everything else. I can slightly feel the pain the character feels. However, it's not too descriptive.


That's my two cents. Sorry if I seemed harsh, but you will only benefit. Go back and make some revisions and you'll have a better piece.

If you have the time and are willing, I wouldn't mind you critiquing my piece, 'https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=906006'.
Last edited by VIRUSDETECTED at Jul 10, 2008,