#1
Well, this is the first time I post on these forums. I do write alot but I never really take the time to really make something out of it. This is the first time I edited something I wrote. In this form the lyrics arent fit for a song, it's more of a poem but I think it's alright.
I want to be a songwriter in a band(screamo/metal like) but I don't want the lyrics to be some cliche emo stuff. So I try to come up with original structures and words that kinda portray the message :P

pfff, I'd just like honest critique. be harsh if you must but don't forget I have feelings too


Neptune oh when you speak out loud
Hard oak wood shears and fractures
Every nail trembles, awed
Ripped cotton and fabric make their way past our feet
Water in, out, over and around me marks an early departure
But when out of sheer desperation my throat is slit
He stops and turns back to sleep

Over time the gap between earth and ocean has grown deep
Traffic stops at now deserted crossroads
New found peaceful sceneries ease those moody times
Soft sounds of waves steadily shaking this boat
Rocks us from one offence to another crime
When even water tastes like deceit
A gentle breeze running past my cheeks
While shells and clams fall trough my hands
Suddenly, yet knowing I’m unable to
I feel a sudden urge to dance
To the pacific blues

He sends treacherous whispers that hang among us like a thick mist
And out fogs any kind of common sense and sophistication
Somewhere out there in the distance, sounds the saxophone
Sets in the right tone
for the pacific blues to play its part
Now it takes what it merits and it feeds on the consequences
Mutiny on the barge

Walk … The … Plank!
#2
Wow that was complicated like.. **** I don't get a word from it.