#1
Hey Guys!

This is my first post here. I've written a number of songs, but this was my first attempt at a love song and I've got some great music to go along with it. Some feedback would be great! I'd like to know what I could change to make it a better song! Thanks!


There's no words that can describe
This feeling I'm feeling deep inside
There's no way I can express
How much I love you, I profess

I'm speechless
You take my breath away
Your smile makes it all okay
I'm speechless
I cannot make a sound
The way you turned my life around

I can't tell you this feeling I'm feeling
I don't know what to speak, but I'm speaking
There's no way that I can tell you
How much I love you and adore you


PS: Doesn't look like there's much to it, but it's a fairly slow song.
#2
It's got really good rhyme and structure.

Unfortunetly, the message is as old as time.
"I love you so much, I don't know how to say it"

it just needs MORE to stand out from the billions of songs with the same theme.

Like Reliant K uses
"I can not wait for a new improved way
To let you know you're more to me than I know how to say"

Where 'a new improved way' is much more interesting than "I don't know what to say" kind of lyric.

My suggestion is to condense this down into a verse or even part of verse and then just eloborate to the girl on all the reasons why she rocks your socks.

In other words, don't make "Not knowing what to say" the whole point of the song.

great job
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#3
Quote by eaglerocker

There's no words that can describe
This feeling I'm feeling deep inside
There's no way I can express
How much I love you, I profess

Generic, uninteresting. This has been done time and time again. The fact that you used AABB rhyme schemes doesn't really help this piece stand out. This seems like another insincere pop song to me.

I'm speechless
You take my breath away
Your smile makes it all okay
I'm speechless
I cannot make a sound
The way you turned my life around

Alright, you start off on a better beat, and I like the repetition of line one on line four. However, the rhyme scheme is rather annoying as it's been done time and time again and just isn't good anymore. I personally don't think it was ever even good. Try changing the rhymes as well, they're just so predictable. Make it hard for the listener to tell what's going to happen next.

I can't tell you this feeling I'm feeling
I don't know what to speak, but I'm speaking
There's no way that I can tell you
How much I love you and adore you

Line 2 is my favorite of this piece. I believe it's well written and descriptive. Lines 3 & 4 are mediocre. You keep using "love" over and over again. Try using different, more interesting adjectives. But one thing you do get across is how passionate the narrator is, so you succeeded in your piece, however generic and boring it may be.



Sorry if I seemed like a dick, I try not to but always end up sounding like one

Please, if you have time, comment my piece 'https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=906006'
#4
I can only agree with the above. I'm not sure if it's an affliction of all love songs, or just that this one needs a lot of work, but it sounds like everything I've heard before.

Make it personal, make it mean something to your listeners - more than clichés and contradicting phrases. You say that the person turned your life around - why not sing about how, and what they saved your from, and how much you appreciate them for that? It would be a lot more than a cliché string of lines that way.

I can't tell you this feeling I'm feeling
I don't know what to speak, but I'm speaking
"this feeling I'm feeling" sounds corny for the repetition, and you could cut the second "feeling". In the second line here, I hate it. "I don't know what to say, but I'm speaking." If you don't know what to say, how do you have anything to say? If you don't know what to say, close your mouth and don't talk. Right? So I think you should change the line; not only does it contradict its self but it sounds ridiculous.

Sorry for being harsh, but honesty will help, and you'll become a better writer. Look into the love songs you like, or popular love songs. Some of them will be cliché, yes, but if you find the ones that really affect you,that speak to common human emotion, you'll find there is a lot more than "I love you" and "I can't explain".

Best of luck.
#5
Thanks everyone for the feedback. Yeah I thought it was cliche and I really do want to know what I can do to become a better writer. So, should I keep the chorus and instead of elaborating on being "speechless" in the verses, elaborate on the girl? Or start fresh altogether?
Music. Is. My. Life.
#6
Quote by eaglerocker
Thanks everyone for the feedback. Yeah I thought it was cliche and I really do want to know what I can do to become a better writer. So, should I keep the chorus and instead of elaborating on being "speechless" in the verses, elaborate on the girl? Or start fresh altogether?


Honestly, I would start fresh with a new idea. I don't think this is workable. Try again. Remember, there's no shame in declaring defeat. Work on making it yours and not something that's everyone else's.
#7
I suggest you start fresh, but also listen to some non-standard love songs to get an idea of different ways things can be done.

some suggestions

Opeth - Face of Melinda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=qV1Fe9de0dA

Ayreon - Day Eleven ( Love )
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YTSt58Xelz8

If you look hard enough you'll find a lot of different ways to express your feelings about love through song, and then you can implement different things you learn from different artists. One thing I learned form songs like those above is that they are both very personal and have a large amount of detail. There is no vagueness in the lyrics, they speak of time, place, descriptions of the people or scenery, etc. etc.
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#8
Alright. Well I just came up with some new verses. They're rough but here it is. (Same chorus)

When you first came into my life
I left everything else behind
Cause when I look into your eyes
All I'm looking for is what I find

I'm speechless
You take my breath away
Your smile makes it all okay
I'm speechless
I cannot make a sound
The way you turned my life around

In all of my dreams
I'm the king and your the queen
You'll probably never see
Just how much you mean to me
Music. Is. My. Life.
#10
Thanks bro. I still am not sure if I like this. You guys think it's still cliche? I don't really want to drop it, but if I can't come up with anything more original I probably will.
Music. Is. My. Life.